Where to begin...

May 17, 2011 22:55

Well, as previously posted my step cousin Josh and I were crushing on each other. Sounds weird when written, but in person it's not at all. Well....things happened. Thngs that shouldn't have happened but....oh well. Odd thing is I don't really regret it. Scares me though. He seems too perfect. Plays guitar. Has a 4 yearold daughter and loves kids. Gets along well with my little one. Can sing. Cook. Lift me like I weigh nothing but a feather. Doesn't just want a fling and has openly told me and showed me so. By refraining from trying to have sex everytime we hangout. Which is good cause I am not good at that. lol. Ahhh, gosh. It's just....it's too good. And I'm afraid any second he's going to say he found someone else to be with.
I saw his daughter and ex today. She's adorable, while his ex actually looks like a bitch. Blonde, too. Gah...Why am I jealous? Because she had Josh's child? And that child is a beautiful red head? Maybe. Stupid I know.

Back to him though. We stay up and talk and play guitar and just hangout for hours on end. lol, even got drunk and ended up in bed together the next morning (my bed and no we didn't even have sex or anything, just slept) and surprisingly it was peaceful. Kai was cool with it too. Just....all very relaxed. Felt right, you know? He's just....such a nice guy. Actually gives a damn. Which I'm not used to. Again, it scares me. Too good to be true and what not. We're not together yet...but I think that's a good thing. I've never taken it slow before....but even though I want to jump in right away, it's nice to just....take our time. Definately builds that anticipation, lol.
It's just so odd though. I'm not usually attracted to guys like him. He's a hippie though, but doesn't mind throwing down if needed. And his muscles...while not perfectly cut like I'm used to....there just...gah.....big. Really big. And he has reallllllly nice shoulders. And arms. And body. lol
I ....gah. Just thinking about him makes my stomach tighten. And not just because of a phsycal relationship.....but when I think about him playing guitar and singing his own songs. Or just listening to him talk about Jim Morrison and quoting him. Anything really. Just the thought of...him. It's so odd. Everytime he kisses me or starts rubbing my leg I start shaking. He always remeinding me that he's not going to hurt me. And for some reason I trust him. Like the other night I thought for sure he was trying to get me in the mood for sex. But then he just...told me to lay down and proceded to kiss my legs all the way down and all the way up and then my stomach too. I have NEVER had that happen before. Ever. It was so sweet. So....perfect. And he didn't lie. Which I'm also not used to in guys. But yea....he didn't hurt me, and didn't try to have sex with me. And it's just......I love it. I love how honest he is with his intentions. Cause after all that I was just sitting in his lap and kissing him intermintently and vice versa. And he sad "You act like you never had a guy please you before..." well my answer was "Not like that, never just to do it. It was always so they could get something in return".  And the conversation went on and on and ended with him saying " You're a nice girl. You deserve a nice guy." I asked him why he liked me and he said "because you're cool. You're a good mom. Good person. You're hot..." and he said more but by that time I was burrying my face in his neck and trying not to cry. It was all the things I had wanted to hear from someone I was with. I know technically I'm not with him yet...but just...I don't know. When he's near it's thrilling and calming all at once, and when he's gone he is constantly popping up in my thoughts.
I looked at old Josh's picture tonight. I guess he's in a new facility, further away in north florida. I had put away the things he had given me about a week or so ago. And told him in a letter that I met someone. I feel bad for him, but I told him I'd atleast tell him when I met someone. I'll always love him because he's Kai's father and helped create my beautiful son. But looking at the picture...my heart hurts...but not to the point of wishing I could rip it out of my chest anymore. Just slightly aches. That Kai is missing getting to know his father, and vice versa.
I know I'm not in love with old Josh anymore, haven't been in a very long time. But it scares me how easily I could see myself falling for this new one. Oh, and they have the same birthday. March 21st. Both Aries. But that's where the similarities end. When I think of my ex all I can think is how he lied about everything, even stupid little things. But talking to Josh last night, new one, and hearing him tell stories about what it was like for him becoming a father in highschool and how he raised Isabelle and still went to school. To hear the passion in his voice just for those memories is more than I could ever say Josh had for me or our son. And while I never want to compare them, cause well, there's nothing really to compare, new Josh winds hands down, lol. But even so, it makes me sad to think of how a father should be, and how Kai's biological father is.
But enough with that. I need to write back miss Elissa before I get kicked off. But, I just had to get that out. It's been bugging me for the past 6 hours today....ok...well, night.

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