The circle of guilt and shame.
I've come to the realization that in order for me to really change my situation and my life I must first break this never ending cycle of guilt and shame, that I make myself. So heres the deal, when I was a youngen I really didnt have any control of this cycle because you tend to accept everything that your parents tell you because you dont know any differnt. Well I'm obviously not a child anymore but yet I still allow myself to feel guilty and then shame for things that I do. They arent bad things at all just things that over the year I have learned to feel bad about. For example; kathyrn and I are getting our own place and I had told my mom that we were doing this ....the women hasnt been around for the past couple years..anyways she came to the understanding that I was doing this not now but after school was over. So I had to tell her that its soon...feb.26th to be exact. I got really upset and I was having a hard telling her that I was leaving her. WHY? why do I feel bad for leaving her? The women hasnt been in my life for the past 6 years. Also why do I feel it necessary to seek aproval from her? Its so juvinile but at the same time its something thats been lacking from my life. So anyways again it comes down to the cycle. guilt and then shame. Guilt because im leaving and shame because I feel bad. Its a retarded cycle and it prevents me from being happy. What would life look like if for just 5 seconds I didnt feel bad? or feel guilty because I want to do soemthing with my life? It scares me because for my whole life i've used this stupid cycle as a protective blanket. LOL like lori said I might as well have gotten guilt and shame tattooed on my hands. SO how do I get myself out of this cycle? well its not going to be easy, but Im trying. My parents are going to drink whether or not im there or not. There drinking isnt dependant on me at all and thats soemthing I have to come to terms with. Thinking about it, it sounds so silly of me to feel guilty for wanting to take control of my life and make myself a better person. Lol im weird eh? lol well I dont know what else to say on the topic except that I'm trying really hard to break free of the cycle and be guilt free.
....What a world that would be ...