(no subject)
leaving for florida tomorrow morning at 7:30. a limo is coming to pick us up, and off we go! i'm pretty excited, although it hasn't really hit me for the most part just yet. i'm happy to go and i know i'll have a great time when i get there but as for right this moment, i'm almost indifferent. oh well. i just found out last night that dave is coming too. i'm not sure if i'm happy about that or not. granted its one more person in my age bracket to hang out with but i hate to intrude on him and manda. it sucks because had i known ahead of time he was coming i definitely would have invited one of my friends, but a little late for that now. tevs.
so manda and i got into a discussion/debate/argument about my new "lifestyle" and how much i've "changed". ok i admit i have changed in the past year, and yes, quite a bit, but i never looked at it as a bad thing. i mean, i'd say i'm more outgoing and have more confidence in myself- i'm finally figuring out WHO i am, so whats not to be confident about? she says i'm self-absorbed and selfish and i'm not sure what to make of that. i keep telling myself, how can she judge when she's not living the same life? i do understand that it upsets her and my mom when on the few occasions that i do come home, i complain about being bored and missing school and friends etc and going on about how much fun i have in boston. so yeah, i can see how that may come across as self-absorbed, and i understand when they say it makes them feel like crap. but manda is so quick to judge me, and its annoying, (and this is going to sound self-absorbed lol) because i think really she wants to live the more "social"- i wont' say party- lifestyle. so half the time she's preaching and lecturing to me about how i'm "out of control" which i am most certainly NOT, and the other times she asking when the next time she can come in and hang out with me.
and then has the nerve to say to me tonight: "If you don't want people to judge you, don't do it" It meaning, partying. this was in reference to her need to tell my entire, and when i mean entire, i mean any family member she may bump in to, that i have been partying and drinking every weekend, (which is an exaggeration). and so now my whole family is apparently discussing how I've changed, and whatnot. and i tell her, well it sucks knowing that every detail i tell you and mom (which is basically everything) they go and tell the rest of my family. so now everybody's talking, so much that they have to comment on my drinking every time i see them. i dont' even drink that much! its so annoying. i honestly drink as much as the next college kid, but because my two sisters rarely drink, i'm all of the sudden the alcoholic. suckkksss. but yeah her comment really pissed me off. then i say, well should i not tell the family i'm bi because they sure as hell will judge me then? should i just NOT be bi? i tried to emphasize the fact that people to judge someone is not ok, and that you shouldn't have to EXPECT to be judged. it just shouldn't happen. so for her to say, well if you don't want to be judged, don't do it... well i think thats just supporting the problem. grr she gets me so riled. she said my blase attitude pisses her off. i think because she's so freaking uptight. really, i don't see why one has to get so heated over little things? and i've always been quick to yell at her- and only her- but today for some reason, i tried my best to stay calm and rational. i think i did well, but it seemed to annoy her even more. hmm... but i know she is right in many ways, and i do need to work on this whole self-absorbed side that she claims i have (denial comes before acceptance haha) and there are certainly other things i can change, but there are so many things i need to work out with myself before a personal make-over. lately i've been on a quest for religion/spirituality. i want to be religious for the sense of belonging and comfort that comes along with having and sharing a faith with others. BUT i have so many issues with religions... i dont' even know if i believe in a god or gods. but i certainly don't think that if there is such thing as god, that there is only one, or rather, i mean to say that i don't think only one religion has it right. i think religions who preach their god is the only god and all other religions are fake is ridiculous. but yeah, what is one to do? i was looking into liberal christianity...seems to suit me MUCH better than roman catholic beliefs. it seems silly to browse through religions and pick out one that i like best, but i almost feel like thats what im doing. and if it is, is that bad?
well i've babbled enough. i'm going to go watch pirates of the caribbean. PEACE.
so manda and i got into a discussion/debate/argument about my new "lifestyle" and how much i've "changed". ok i admit i have changed in the past year, and yes, quite a bit, but i never looked at it as a bad thing. i mean, i'd say i'm more outgoing and have more confidence in myself- i'm finally figuring out WHO i am, so whats not to be confident about? she says i'm self-absorbed and selfish and i'm not sure what to make of that. i keep telling myself, how can she judge when she's not living the same life? i do understand that it upsets her and my mom when on the few occasions that i do come home, i complain about being bored and missing school and friends etc and going on about how much fun i have in boston. so yeah, i can see how that may come across as self-absorbed, and i understand when they say it makes them feel like crap. but manda is so quick to judge me, and its annoying, (and this is going to sound self-absorbed lol) because i think really she wants to live the more "social"- i wont' say party- lifestyle. so half the time she's preaching and lecturing to me about how i'm "out of control" which i am most certainly NOT, and the other times she asking when the next time she can come in and hang out with me.
and then has the nerve to say to me tonight: "If you don't want people to judge you, don't do it" It meaning, partying. this was in reference to her need to tell my entire, and when i mean entire, i mean any family member she may bump in to, that i have been partying and drinking every weekend, (which is an exaggeration). and so now my whole family is apparently discussing how I've changed, and whatnot. and i tell her, well it sucks knowing that every detail i tell you and mom (which is basically everything) they go and tell the rest of my family. so now everybody's talking, so much that they have to comment on my drinking every time i see them. i dont' even drink that much! its so annoying. i honestly drink as much as the next college kid, but because my two sisters rarely drink, i'm all of the sudden the alcoholic. suckkksss. but yeah her comment really pissed me off. then i say, well should i not tell the family i'm bi because they sure as hell will judge me then? should i just NOT be bi? i tried to emphasize the fact that people to judge someone is not ok, and that you shouldn't have to EXPECT to be judged. it just shouldn't happen. so for her to say, well if you don't want to be judged, don't do it... well i think thats just supporting the problem. grr she gets me so riled. she said my blase attitude pisses her off. i think because she's so freaking uptight. really, i don't see why one has to get so heated over little things? and i've always been quick to yell at her- and only her- but today for some reason, i tried my best to stay calm and rational. i think i did well, but it seemed to annoy her even more. hmm... but i know she is right in many ways, and i do need to work on this whole self-absorbed side that she claims i have (denial comes before acceptance haha) and there are certainly other things i can change, but there are so many things i need to work out with myself before a personal make-over. lately i've been on a quest for religion/spirituality. i want to be religious for the sense of belonging and comfort that comes along with having and sharing a faith with others. BUT i have so many issues with religions... i dont' even know if i believe in a god or gods. but i certainly don't think that if there is such thing as god, that there is only one, or rather, i mean to say that i don't think only one religion has it right. i think religions who preach their god is the only god and all other religions are fake is ridiculous. but yeah, what is one to do? i was looking into liberal christianity...seems to suit me MUCH better than roman catholic beliefs. it seems silly to browse through religions and pick out one that i like best, but i almost feel like thats what im doing. and if it is, is that bad?
well i've babbled enough. i'm going to go watch pirates of the caribbean. PEACE.