welcome to the same life again.
one thing.heartbreak is inspiring. actually i wouldn't even go so far as to say that it's heartbreak because that's giving him too much credit. as it is i'm still mending from a time not so long ago, and as much as i was convinced that things were beyond my control, i still start to make myself miserable by recalling times that were wonderful. and those just make me sad now. really, really sad. nostalgic sad. but now that i'm here there are new people to keep my mind on, and that's exactly what i do. and tonight i realized that either i'm invisible or people can just be oblivious. maybe i'm oblivious. either way, it's sort of disheartening. well, yeah it is. and coming back here i've just been inspired to listen to some mellow dave and write my little tidbit poems. it's funny how i get inspired in some of the worst ways. but as long as i'm writing, bitter poems or happy poems, it's writing. i'm going to apply for the state news in october.
another thing. i'm worried i've become this cliche. maybe it's not even that cliche... but it's something that i haven't wanted to happen. i'm worried that i've become the girl who is just looking beyond past friendships and wanting to be with new people. i'm trying to convince myself that it's not that unnatural to want to do what i'm doing once college starts. as it is, the people who i was really close with in high school aren't here. and there are people who i am friends with who are here, but for the mostpart, i don't really care to hang out with them a lot. and it's not to say that i've completely dismissed all of these friendships... it's just, i don't know. i've seen how people have been acting here, those who are here with at least 20 other people from their school, and all they do is hang out with each other in the same old group. and they get really upset with the people that are branching out and meeting new people, because they think that the latter are abandoning them. i'm sure if i had a really close friend here, i'd definitely want to see them. that's just not the case. so i don't know why i feel badly about it all. i'm dying to visit everyone at college, i'm dying to see everyone when they come home for a vacation or for the summer.
i'm keeping in touch with almost everyone that i'd want to. so it's helping me not flip out about the seperation. maybe i just feel horrible because there are people who live within a mile of me right now, and a lot of them are people that i wouldn't mind ever really talking to again. i feel like a bad person for trying to be pleasant but really resenting it in the end.
back to the first thing.i'm meeting more and more people here, and getting to know the guys over on our floor and we were in dane's room tonight with his roommate mike, who is my other musical soulmate. we discussed the greatness of "crash into me" and "crush". i said that "crash into me" was my first-kiss song, and i think he said that "crush" was his. pat lives across the hall from them. he came into the room a couple of times, would sit and stay for awhile and then go back across the room. last night dane and mike were in our room until something like 2AM and i was asking their advice about things, but i never said who it was about. mike pretty much figured it out tonight. what's sad is that mike could easily figure it out and pat's still completely oblivious. and i don't know why i feel the need to put so much emotion and energy into something like this, when there are plenty of other people that i could focus my attention on. but then again i don't know.
and it makes me sad to think about how easy the process really should be. when it's right, and when there's equal effort and emotion and feeling, it's so simple. at least the start is. and i miss having that comfort in everything that i did. it was okay to take the initiative... it was like i didn't care what happened... but not even that. of course i cared, but i knew that i didn't have to care. it was being so sure of everything but not in an arrogant way. it was all simple, pretty things.
maybe out of everything, i miss simple, pretty things.
"-i can't remember
what went wrong last september
though i'm sure you'd remind me
if you had to
our love was comfortable
and so broken in
that you were my first love
it's just dumb love
a technicality
you were ahead of me
that you were my first love
it's just dumb dumb stupid love
a technicality
you will always be ahead of me
why i have to
practice on you
why i have to
practice on your heart-"
another thing. i'm worried i've become this cliche. maybe it's not even that cliche... but it's something that i haven't wanted to happen. i'm worried that i've become the girl who is just looking beyond past friendships and wanting to be with new people. i'm trying to convince myself that it's not that unnatural to want to do what i'm doing once college starts. as it is, the people who i was really close with in high school aren't here. and there are people who i am friends with who are here, but for the mostpart, i don't really care to hang out with them a lot. and it's not to say that i've completely dismissed all of these friendships... it's just, i don't know. i've seen how people have been acting here, those who are here with at least 20 other people from their school, and all they do is hang out with each other in the same old group. and they get really upset with the people that are branching out and meeting new people, because they think that the latter are abandoning them. i'm sure if i had a really close friend here, i'd definitely want to see them. that's just not the case. so i don't know why i feel badly about it all. i'm dying to visit everyone at college, i'm dying to see everyone when they come home for a vacation or for the summer.
i'm keeping in touch with almost everyone that i'd want to. so it's helping me not flip out about the seperation. maybe i just feel horrible because there are people who live within a mile of me right now, and a lot of them are people that i wouldn't mind ever really talking to again. i feel like a bad person for trying to be pleasant but really resenting it in the end.
back to the first thing.i'm meeting more and more people here, and getting to know the guys over on our floor and we were in dane's room tonight with his roommate mike, who is my other musical soulmate. we discussed the greatness of "crash into me" and "crush". i said that "crash into me" was my first-kiss song, and i think he said that "crush" was his. pat lives across the hall from them. he came into the room a couple of times, would sit and stay for awhile and then go back across the room. last night dane and mike were in our room until something like 2AM and i was asking their advice about things, but i never said who it was about. mike pretty much figured it out tonight. what's sad is that mike could easily figure it out and pat's still completely oblivious. and i don't know why i feel the need to put so much emotion and energy into something like this, when there are plenty of other people that i could focus my attention on. but then again i don't know.
and it makes me sad to think about how easy the process really should be. when it's right, and when there's equal effort and emotion and feeling, it's so simple. at least the start is. and i miss having that comfort in everything that i did. it was okay to take the initiative... it was like i didn't care what happened... but not even that. of course i cared, but i knew that i didn't have to care. it was being so sure of everything but not in an arrogant way. it was all simple, pretty things.
maybe out of everything, i miss simple, pretty things.
"-i can't remember
what went wrong last september
though i'm sure you'd remind me
if you had to
our love was comfortable
and so broken in
that you were my first love
it's just dumb love
a technicality
you were ahead of me
that you were my first love
it's just dumb dumb stupid love
a technicality
you will always be ahead of me
why i have to
practice on you
why i have to
practice on your heart-"