(no subject)
i'm desperate.
it's that sort of 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' thing only that 'today' will be on wednesday.
and i'm desperate to just turn back and walk away and fall into this deep pile of memories and people. who just can't leave. i have a different new roommate and i think i'll want her as my sister. at least she went through the same issues i did with the roommates and she likes dave matthews so we can let out our sorrows with "crash into me" or "grace is gone" in the background.
last night i was able to see adrienne for the last time in a long while. she left for new york today and isn't coming home until nick and i are both off starting college. ty also came over for a couple of hours and we went swimming with the new dashboard confessional cd on outside. it was sort of a cool night but we warmed up by the fire pit and took flashing pictures and talked about the whole leaving thing. ty had to go, and soon adrienne had to leave to. nick, her and i had a short sentimental moment by the fire. it was a moment to cry but i didn't cry. i haven't cried about things in awhile. just on the plane. and that was more because of a person rather than this whole situation. after adrienne left i did the second phase of nicky's hairdye experience, the first one being after dave matthews. this time we covered the bleached parts with a deep red, all the while talking to susan on the phone and listening to good slow happy music. nick spent the night and made me realize that i want an apple laptop for school, so i think i'm going to the apple store at somerset tomorrow. tomorrow's a crazy busy day. today was a crazy busy day. but i was able to see becka and my briggeman, so i was happy.
my swelling is getting better by the day. i'm so happy that i didn't have a miserable case like some have had to endure, although i still can't chew real food or laugh.
and i'm desperate.
to hear from a recipient of a letter that needed to be written for my own sanity and the well-being of the world. i've been talking about it constantly, trying to justify it to those who believe that it was pretty unneccessary. but i want my goodbye. i want some dawson's creek, sweet farewell with some heart-lifting speech and a hug. and i think i can just expect the worse and hope for a pleasant surprise. i really don't know either way.
rita mentioned me in one of her entries. she started having this list of things that she wanted like hot apple cider, or picking lilacs...
"and i want Stefanie. she embodied pure, simple fun and laughter. why i can’t ever get that back i don’t know."
and i felt this little bit of sadness start to take over. i was reading all of her updates since she got back into town and i was thinking about how sad it is when you aren't a part of someone's daily routine, or you aren't mentioned when it comes to the life of mister or miss whoever. how things seem to change so much. and then i saw my name there. just sort of this indication that she hadn't forgotten. and to read that, and to see what she thought of me as, really means a lot. she knows that i have the address because she gave it to me, but she doesn't write things for people to see. she doesn't mention people just because she knows that they are reading, or not mention them especially because they are reading. i always felt that with livejournal, i hated talking about specific people if it was negative, especially if i knew that they read it because it's just some sissy, childlike way of dealing with things. it's just added, unneccessary drama. so i don't like to write about anyone unless i keep it to myself or it's something positive. but maybe i should be more honest, and i shouldn't worry about letting down my guard when it comes to things. i've already admitted it on here and in this aformentioned letter... i miss him and i want things to at least be neutral, because i don't know how things got so bad so fast. but i do though, and that's the problem. i know exactly why. but i'm just wanting to get rid of that negativity. and susan said last night that in a few weeks i won't give a damn about any of this, because i'll be engrossed in everything else that college has to offer.
i hate that this started out as a point about her and it ended about him. but, what i wanted to say is that i miss her too.
at this point the days are really long but they are filled to capacity with everything there is to prepare for, and it makes them feel way too short. it's this pressure to get it all done. but once these preparation days are over, it'll be time to start everything fresh and new. and then i'll be ready. at this point it's just about the goodbyes and the last everythings. and my parents getting mad because i haven't unpacked from the move but on the other hand getting sad because i'm leaving. and sometimes they stop caring about what i have to do. they'd rather not see me do it because it just means i'm closer to leaving.
i don't know. this whole summer has been a waiting period. like nick said, we're just waiting for everything to happen and it gets tedious and boring after awhile. summer's over in three days, and as usual i don't feel like i accomplished all that i should have. too many mornings of watching dawson's creek reruns instead of reading my summer book or driving out to some far-off place to visit a friend... all of that stuff. and you can't do it all... but you want to.
i feel like this is the worst possible time to be procrastinating but that's exactly what i'm doing. i have even more thank-you notes to finish writing out, my room is basically a bunch of stacked boxes... and tomorrow's an important do-all end-all day. with a spiro girls dinner at night, which i'm really looking forward to. hopefully i'll get my goodbye tomorrow too. and if not, maybe tuesday. because that'll be the true end-all.
it's that sort of 'today is the first day of the rest of your life' thing only that 'today' will be on wednesday.
and i'm desperate to just turn back and walk away and fall into this deep pile of memories and people. who just can't leave. i have a different new roommate and i think i'll want her as my sister. at least she went through the same issues i did with the roommates and she likes dave matthews so we can let out our sorrows with "crash into me" or "grace is gone" in the background.
last night i was able to see adrienne for the last time in a long while. she left for new york today and isn't coming home until nick and i are both off starting college. ty also came over for a couple of hours and we went swimming with the new dashboard confessional cd on outside. it was sort of a cool night but we warmed up by the fire pit and took flashing pictures and talked about the whole leaving thing. ty had to go, and soon adrienne had to leave to. nick, her and i had a short sentimental moment by the fire. it was a moment to cry but i didn't cry. i haven't cried about things in awhile. just on the plane. and that was more because of a person rather than this whole situation. after adrienne left i did the second phase of nicky's hairdye experience, the first one being after dave matthews. this time we covered the bleached parts with a deep red, all the while talking to susan on the phone and listening to good slow happy music. nick spent the night and made me realize that i want an apple laptop for school, so i think i'm going to the apple store at somerset tomorrow. tomorrow's a crazy busy day. today was a crazy busy day. but i was able to see becka and my briggeman, so i was happy.
my swelling is getting better by the day. i'm so happy that i didn't have a miserable case like some have had to endure, although i still can't chew real food or laugh.
and i'm desperate.
to hear from a recipient of a letter that needed to be written for my own sanity and the well-being of the world. i've been talking about it constantly, trying to justify it to those who believe that it was pretty unneccessary. but i want my goodbye. i want some dawson's creek, sweet farewell with some heart-lifting speech and a hug. and i think i can just expect the worse and hope for a pleasant surprise. i really don't know either way.
rita mentioned me in one of her entries. she started having this list of things that she wanted like hot apple cider, or picking lilacs...
"and i want Stefanie. she embodied pure, simple fun and laughter. why i can’t ever get that back i don’t know."
and i felt this little bit of sadness start to take over. i was reading all of her updates since she got back into town and i was thinking about how sad it is when you aren't a part of someone's daily routine, or you aren't mentioned when it comes to the life of mister or miss whoever. how things seem to change so much. and then i saw my name there. just sort of this indication that she hadn't forgotten. and to read that, and to see what she thought of me as, really means a lot. she knows that i have the address because she gave it to me, but she doesn't write things for people to see. she doesn't mention people just because she knows that they are reading, or not mention them especially because they are reading. i always felt that with livejournal, i hated talking about specific people if it was negative, especially if i knew that they read it because it's just some sissy, childlike way of dealing with things. it's just added, unneccessary drama. so i don't like to write about anyone unless i keep it to myself or it's something positive. but maybe i should be more honest, and i shouldn't worry about letting down my guard when it comes to things. i've already admitted it on here and in this aformentioned letter... i miss him and i want things to at least be neutral, because i don't know how things got so bad so fast. but i do though, and that's the problem. i know exactly why. but i'm just wanting to get rid of that negativity. and susan said last night that in a few weeks i won't give a damn about any of this, because i'll be engrossed in everything else that college has to offer.
i hate that this started out as a point about her and it ended about him. but, what i wanted to say is that i miss her too.
at this point the days are really long but they are filled to capacity with everything there is to prepare for, and it makes them feel way too short. it's this pressure to get it all done. but once these preparation days are over, it'll be time to start everything fresh and new. and then i'll be ready. at this point it's just about the goodbyes and the last everythings. and my parents getting mad because i haven't unpacked from the move but on the other hand getting sad because i'm leaving. and sometimes they stop caring about what i have to do. they'd rather not see me do it because it just means i'm closer to leaving.
i don't know. this whole summer has been a waiting period. like nick said, we're just waiting for everything to happen and it gets tedious and boring after awhile. summer's over in three days, and as usual i don't feel like i accomplished all that i should have. too many mornings of watching dawson's creek reruns instead of reading my summer book or driving out to some far-off place to visit a friend... all of that stuff. and you can't do it all... but you want to.
i feel like this is the worst possible time to be procrastinating but that's exactly what i'm doing. i have even more thank-you notes to finish writing out, my room is basically a bunch of stacked boxes... and tomorrow's an important do-all end-all day. with a spiro girls dinner at night, which i'm really looking forward to. hopefully i'll get my goodbye tomorrow too. and if not, maybe tuesday. because that'll be the true end-all.