crazy. i know
I think Lauren forgot to hang out with me today. I am kind of upset but I didn’t say anything because I don’t really have anything to say about it. It just kind of hurt that I was forgotten. Lately I have felt like I have been forgotten by a lot of people, and I have been blowing off a lot of people. I have just been sick lately, in kind of a sad mood and I just haven’t been feeling up to doing anything and god knows everyone needs to be doing something to be having fun. There are just very few people I can just sit around with, and do nothing with, and have fun and know their still having fun… and those are the people I have been hanging out with <3 I love you guys.
Sometimes I feel like the people I am supposed to depend on, the people I think I can depend on and the people I say I can depend on aren’t the people I can really depend on. Sometimes I think I can’t depend on anyone but myself. It’s actually quite a lonely feeling but when you feel it you wouldn’t have it any other way.
You wouldn’t have it any other way because you realize what life is really made of. I’ve come to the realization that life is like a game. And all the truth that we search for really doesn’t matter. What matters are the strongest and the smartest because that is who will survive and that is who will succeed.
There are two different kinds of people, there is the kind of person who accepts the facts as they are, goes along with the game, and succeeds. And there is the kind of person who never gives up on finding this truth. They never stop looking and they eventually drive themselves crazy or drive themselves into depression because they will never find what they are looking for.
I personally find no points in living if living with out truth, because then what are you really living for? You would be living for what your neighbor thinks of your new car or what your friends think of your house. You would be living for what your family thinks is a suitable husband or what your coworkers think are nice clothes. But would there ever be truth in what you want? Would you ever feel so passionately about someone that what your parents say isn’t even heard? Would you ever decide that what you really want is a warm, cozy, small house instead of this big house that would make your friends mouths drop? We tend to forget what it is that we really want because the people around us program in our brains what we should want, what’s the best, what’s the biggest, what’s the most expensive.
We tend to even forget what our real smile is because most the time our smile is just for show. And our smiles are just for show most the time because most the time we are just trying to make everyone perceive us as being happy and having it all. Why does it matter if other people see us as great if we don’t truly feel the feeling of being great?
I am currently in-between the two extremes. As you can see I believe life is a game, and although I want to fight it, I try to embrace it because I know fighting it will get me no where. And although I believe life is simply a game, I believe in love. Because if there was no love then I myself wouldn’t be able to explain the burning desire I have to help a person in need, a person crying and I myself wouldn’t have an explanation as to why I would take a bullet for another or care for another. Not only do I believe in love but I also believe in fait. Because I have seen it and I have felt it. I believe that 2 people are meant for each other and I believe that what happens happens for a reason.
I have no regrets, because what happens happens for a reason. Everything that’s ever happened in my life, the good and the bad has helped me in some way. My father getting in an accident has given me knowledge, drive and fight. It’s given me a little taste as to what pain is. Starting shoplifting, led to me getting caught which in return led to me learning about control issues and it helped me over come my own. I remember back to the first time I kissed a boy with out dating him first. It was 8th grade and he went and told everyone. I felt used, I felt hurt, I felt cheap and all I could do was cry. Yet I analyzed the situation and I realized this isn’t a good feeling, this isn’t something I want to ever feel again so I made a 3 date rule, where I wouldn’t kiss a guy till the third date. That way it gave me time to get to know the person better and have a better understanding of who they are and what they stand for, because a guy who would go around flaunting what he did with me isn’t a gentleman and isn’t the kind of guy I would want to date.