Synopsis
A brief synopsis of my life so far, according to me:
I was a first born daughter of a hardworking, alcoholic father with a temper, and an emotionally unavailable mother. My mother was with us most of the time, but she spent a lot of that time making it feel like it was torture to her. She needed drugs to escape. My father worked long hours. I got a sister at 5 years old. I was already a very independent child. I became very mothering and responsible very quick. Liked to be loud and take charge of all the kids. Getting into trouble with my cousins a lot. Parents are so oblivious about the “house” we play. Girl Scout. Usually one best friend at a time girl. Small friend groups. Moved to Flushing when I was 10. Lost my best grandma at 11. Puberty also hitting me with huge hips and a 34B. Causing hyper sexuality from all the comments about my changing body from grown adults. Found my best friend Ashley and learned a lot about myself and what I don’t like. She helped me to be comfortable around handicap people. Choir girl and started dancing. I love to move my body. Boyfriends throughout junior high. Kisses here and there. Freshman year, Dana was my best friend when I met John. First boyfriend I have a bj to. I studied for my first time. Met a friend of his, Dave and when John and I decided to just be friends, I started seeing Dave sophomore year. My first real love. Gave him my virginity and my firsts for lots of things. He was like my dad in some ways, but not the good ones. Junior year, started playing soccer and met a whole new group of friends. Erika was now my best friend. She dated John briefly as well, and I was with Dave the rest of high school, and included him in senior pictures. He was a big part of my high school career including many dances and 3 proms. By senior year my best friend was Kim and I had started distancing from Dave. We had broke up a few times along the way. Wasn’t until we were engaged and I moved to Florida before I decided to cut him out completely. Gaslighting and mental abuse was too much. Kim and I were so close until she left for Denver. Tried to keep it up throughout her move and mine. One drunken night with Dave and Kim and I immediately knew who I belonged with. Completely disgusted with the man, I moved home with the wonderful and never ending support of my daddy. I spent 3 years loving Kim and growing as a person like I was meant to. Worked at the quick stop and speedway trying to get by. Living with roommates, like my sister and my cousins Amanda and Corrie. Started my nursing school journey knowing it would be hard but it got even harder when she left. Still fuzzy on how it all even happened. She was just gone. Struggling but made it through. Two more semesters and I got my shine back and looked forward to the American Dream of picket fence with husband and kids. Met Matthew, dad of the year. Sweet 3 year old Cole and my heart was mush. Nothing I craved more than the unconditional love of a child. Graduated, got married, and built a family. Happened so fast. I couldn’t figure out why I was still not feeling myself. But everything I did was always for someone else. Rarely asked myself what I wanted. Too scared to go for anything different because I had got in too deep. I couldn’t face any heartbreak from the kids. I had started working as nurse part time 3rd shift at the nursing home and I was enjoying it because I could still be mom during the day. I was VERY involved with my boys. Kim actually died during that time. I wasn’t able to talk to her after she left except for maybe a handful of times and she never wanted to continue talking so I respected that. My sister went to her funeral with me. I still miss her.
After Matt and I had moved into my house with our two boys, I still felt like I couldn’t be happy. I dieted the best I could, worked out with Matt. I hung out with friends as much as possible. Switched to 2nd shift at Hurley from 3rd.
I remember being grateful for the life I had while also feeling sorry for myself. Then my husband and best friend was gone. I still had a man, the father of my children. Including the one I carried. Barely, but he hung on. Against all odds, he met his baby girl and our lives were forever altered. My children have a father but not the dad I promised them. I was beyond alone. Now completely responsible for 3 people besides myself. A solid year or more I spent in a cloud of despair. Barely surviving. My beautiful children kept growing and I was missing it. So I cut away at anything that kept me from them and made the hardest decision in my life, to move Matt to foster care, divorce and try to move on. The timeline is slow and agonizing. I was in survival mode. Trying to figure out how to raise these two and sometimes 3 little humans to the best of my ability. The one thing I wanted them to have was happy, involved parents. I am always still striving for that. I am always so greatful for family during this time. I luckily didn’t have to ask for help. My people showed up. My life choices after that one, were mostly terrible because they all came from fear. I was afraid of anything that could cause me more pain. I didn’t think I could survive more considering I had barely processed what I just went through. I chose people I knew would keep me content but never looked for romance again. Treated my body unfairly through a lot of it too. Wanted it to match the inside mess of pain apparently. I will end it here. I don’t have enough retrospect on the rest to leave here at this time.
This was hard to write but nice to remind myself of what I survived and I’m still striving for.