Journaling3
I might be having more sexual orientation epiphany’s again. So I’ve always known I was Bi. I’ve experienced at least 2-3 women and also had long lasting relationships with men. But I’m beginning to wonder why I don’t exactly seek relationships with women. I have answers: first of, they are so pretty and strong, most of the time I am terrified of vulnerability with them. I have had my heart broken by a woman and it was the most devastating. I have always craved the level of intimacy I can reach with a woman, and no man has ever come close. I’m beginning to think it’s a comphet thing, where I sought male relationships because that is what was expected of me by the patriarchy. Here I am thinking I no longer care what my dad thinks, but subconsciously not seeking the romantic relationship that is most fulfilling to me because I need to raise a family. I absolutely thought of doing this with my first girlfriend and the details got muddled, but I was still ready to pursue a family. I end up picking the most feminine man I can find, but I still don’t get the full connection. Always having unobtainable standards for men. Now that I have children I still do feel like I need to choose a “father figure” for them. It’s so wild. Why?! Why do they NEED that? Why is love and respect not enough? I am so mad at myself for not seeing any of this for so long. Also, still terrified of women. Afraid of what that connection is again and what it can do to me. I had my first fucking panic attack after she left. She’s still the person I’ll never forget. Like my first love, even though I had a long term bf before her. I’m very much still Bi because I do love Matt too. I married him. It was romantic love, but it wasn’t sexual weirdly. The type of love for each person is so complicated because I’m Bi and can love both genders romantically and sexually. I am just looking for my person that is both. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt seen or understood. It’s terrifying to think of letting someone else see me. But I want to be accountable to someone. I want them to see me and I want to be able to respect them enough to be the best version of myself for them. Always working towards growing into kindness and positivity.
I’ll be looking into my commitment issues now thank you.