It’s hard work
Relationships of all kinds are hard work. Especially for me. I have found my peace in a clean house with music and a book all by myself. My kids are my closest and easiest love I feel like. Hopefully they feel the same forever. It’s kind of worrisome to me that my kids could feel as ambivalent towards me as I do my mother. I do love her, but I don’t have a strong connection that makes me crave her attention or help. That relationship is one I don’t have hope of repairing. I’m just trying to prevent my kids from having that. Every romantic relationship has been rocky and ups and downs. I know some of it is normal. I also know that I am the cause of some of the troubles. I’m nervous and selfish at times. I also struggle to put in effort and time for the people I love especially when I’m overwhelmed with responsibilities.
I’m done expecting others to change or please me. I’m just going to let others do their thing while I do mine. When I find a true love, we will just pour into each other with the love we need. I understand now that we are not meant to do the difficult things alone. I like to be alone most of the time but I now realize how wonderful it is to have someone listen and validate your feelings and I now I want to help be that for someone too! It’s magical and loving. I can’t expect someone to be their best for me if I’m not giving them support to be their best. Anyway, working on a better me so I can have better people around me too.