I’m breaking
I ruined the one chance I had at pure happiness. I’m sure I can find happiness, I’ve had that plenty of times. But the one that made me actually sit back and say, “I am so grateful for this” got ruined. Probably some sick karma or something. I don’t know who he pissed off. My heart still aches for him. Because I hate seeing him miserable. It feels like my fault. For protecting my self, sure, but doesn’t make it any easier. This divorce is necessary but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I never wanted this. It just feels like the necessary or smart thing to do. I’m all about being smart if I can be.
I need to be smart about the man who claims he loves me now. Something is going on and my anxiety is creeping. I am so scared. I think I’m losing him so my brain is already trying to tell me that he’s useless and I probably deserve better. I’m seeing minimal to no effort. I know I suck at communicating but he might be worse. I at least do eventually break and speak up. He will just keep quiet. Eternally if he can.
Roads are bad. Still drove 23mi away to play pool. Stayed even later after they weren’t playing pool because the other team cancelled for weather. Guess I’ll be trying to sleep while seething over this man child.