(no subject)
My depression gets worse by the day. I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I wouldn't usually be so blunt and straight-foward about it, but I really don't care anymore. I've cried out for attention plenty of times before and they've all gone unnoticed, as far as I know.
I'm so bad I'm listening to Good Charlotte - Hold On, how pitiful. I'm sure it's more of a temporary thing, liking this song. The song isn't even that good, I just relate to the lyrics. I like the video, too. It really looks at suicide how it should be looked at. It shows everyone who's left behind by people who decide to kill themselves. In that last sentence I was going to say "It shows everyone who's left behind by suicide victims. You can't be a victim of an intentional act against yourself, you're the consenting body, the enabler. The only thing I'm victim of is depression, depression is not voluntary, suicide is. That video really stops a person like me from killing myself, because the only thing that has ever held me back is the incredible amount of pain I would cause to everyone who's ever befriended me, or loved me. It's moments like these when I'm so lost. I'm so empty, I'm a shell of what I once was, and I don't really know why I am living right now. I cause nothing but pain in every person I touch, that's been one of the few constants in my life, for as long as I can remember. Crying starts.
I'm pushing everyone away, involuntarily. People just don't understand what I'm going through, no matter how I try to convey my feelings, or lack thereof. I'm pushing Eman away, and I'm scared. I sought solace in her, and Ashleigh was right, I'm pushing everyone(her) away. This pessimistic negativity I have towards myself, everyone, and everything around me has taken its toll. I'm just so empty. I've always had ambitions, something to look forward to, someone to live for, but I don't anymore. All I have is this livejournal to type in, for myself to reflect on, if I ever get better. Crying Ends.
I'm so bad I'm listening to Good Charlotte - Hold On, how pitiful. I'm sure it's more of a temporary thing, liking this song. The song isn't even that good, I just relate to the lyrics. I like the video, too. It really looks at suicide how it should be looked at. It shows everyone who's left behind by people who decide to kill themselves. In that last sentence I was going to say "It shows everyone who's left behind by suicide victims. You can't be a victim of an intentional act against yourself, you're the consenting body, the enabler. The only thing I'm victim of is depression, depression is not voluntary, suicide is. That video really stops a person like me from killing myself, because the only thing that has ever held me back is the incredible amount of pain I would cause to everyone who's ever befriended me, or loved me. It's moments like these when I'm so lost. I'm so empty, I'm a shell of what I once was, and I don't really know why I am living right now. I cause nothing but pain in every person I touch, that's been one of the few constants in my life, for as long as I can remember. Crying starts.
I'm pushing everyone away, involuntarily. People just don't understand what I'm going through, no matter how I try to convey my feelings, or lack thereof. I'm pushing Eman away, and I'm scared. I sought solace in her, and Ashleigh was right, I'm pushing everyone(her) away. This pessimistic negativity I have towards myself, everyone, and everything around me has taken its toll. I'm just so empty. I've always had ambitions, something to look forward to, someone to live for, but I don't anymore. All I have is this livejournal to type in, for myself to reflect on, if I ever get better. Crying Ends.