(no subject)
omg. death just seems to be looming over everyone. each and every time i manage to forget about the last tragedy, a new one ensues. amy just died from her malnutrition. she had it coming to her and she knew it, and she just kept on going. and now..it's over. her struggle is over. and i don't want to ever forget the consuquences, but now, it's like her memory just makes me want to start it all over again. it's like she died from it and i can't help but want to honor her memory by relapsing myself. UGH. idk. poem...
How beautiful you are,
When you kneel down, purging to that porcelain, your keeper.
How beautiful you are,
When you fall to your knees, screaming his name up at the stars-
Another lost lover that just couldn't handle your sensitivity.
One more heartbreak to tear you apart.
Oh- how beautiful you are,
Walking along side of death; Tripping over his scythe.
Envious dreamer,
Did you tell them of the nasty habits that left you sleepless eachnight?
Everyone wants the hunger pains that you crave,
So many people pray for your pain at every sunset-
Begging for the power to resist food.
That time you clung to my arm,
Hoping for me to save you from your demons-
You told me that you just wanted to be like all those magazines.
Only yearned for those ribs to poke out,
Your hips to make bruises against that fragile skin.
I saw you as so strong, so graceful.
Able to grab glances at the gas station with that pretty face you starved to bones.
All the men wanted your presence, your body.
Cant imagine all those fantasies they thought up,
Whenever they watched you walk away.
You told me of the dramatic weightloss,
The way you could twirl faster-
Dance lighter on your feet.
The less you became, the more you felt free.
I longed for the ability to feel my pounds pouring out of my throat.
Just to feel the satisfaction of malnutrition.
Wanted my fingers to shake from lack of calories-
You never could have them sliding in, always had to burn them off.
Baby, you had it bad.
The favored one, girls gathered 'round for those relentless secrets that made you invincible-
Kept you thin.
If only they knew how many dreams got trampled along the way.
Did you tell them how much you gave up just to be the lightest of the bunch?
Babe, did you let them in on how many people ran from your depression?
Couldn't handle all those blackouts, your fainting spells.
Did you mention how wonderful it felt to have your skin yellow-
Bruises becoming on your back from bones rubbing.
The way you cried as you watched your hair fill the shower drain each morning.
I think you forgot to tell all those young groupies how nice it was,
Holding a monthly pass to that hospital down the road.
They expected you, kept your room ready for a relapse.
I held the visitors pass, shiny in my pocket.
I held on, I listened for that tumble so I could pick you up again.
And I helped you all the way to your grave.
You always wondered how many friends would cry at your funeral.
I couldn't count them all.
Many more than you thought came to mourn you.
I was always there to offer you guidance, listen to your cries for a simple life.
Who will listen to my perfect flaws, my dirty secrets?
I'm right behind you, denying food
Pushing my plates away again.
I'll swear that my family will have to line up and toss in the handfuls of dirt too
Just so I can lie next to you when all this is through.
I never asked for this disease.
All I ever wanted was for you to see yourself the way that I looked at you.
I wonder who let you into that room with the broken mirror that fed you lies.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for you-
Perfection was always the smallest number on the scale.
Even though I reached out to save you, I missed.
Now we bury your regrets, giving you freedom.
Darling, you always said that the day you weighed nothing, you would be happy.
Well you are weightless and I hope you've learned to fly.
Never coming down, I want to watch you spread your wings and shed that glorious skin
That kept you trapped to expectations.
With you so high, people are finally starting to see
How beautiful you really are.
PS...ermmmmmmmm i love chad.
How beautiful you are,
When you kneel down, purging to that porcelain, your keeper.
How beautiful you are,
When you fall to your knees, screaming his name up at the stars-
Another lost lover that just couldn't handle your sensitivity.
One more heartbreak to tear you apart.
Oh- how beautiful you are,
Walking along side of death; Tripping over his scythe.
Envious dreamer,
Did you tell them of the nasty habits that left you sleepless eachnight?
Everyone wants the hunger pains that you crave,
So many people pray for your pain at every sunset-
Begging for the power to resist food.
That time you clung to my arm,
Hoping for me to save you from your demons-
You told me that you just wanted to be like all those magazines.
Only yearned for those ribs to poke out,
Your hips to make bruises against that fragile skin.
I saw you as so strong, so graceful.
Able to grab glances at the gas station with that pretty face you starved to bones.
All the men wanted your presence, your body.
Cant imagine all those fantasies they thought up,
Whenever they watched you walk away.
You told me of the dramatic weightloss,
The way you could twirl faster-
Dance lighter on your feet.
The less you became, the more you felt free.
I longed for the ability to feel my pounds pouring out of my throat.
Just to feel the satisfaction of malnutrition.
Wanted my fingers to shake from lack of calories-
You never could have them sliding in, always had to burn them off.
Baby, you had it bad.
The favored one, girls gathered 'round for those relentless secrets that made you invincible-
Kept you thin.
If only they knew how many dreams got trampled along the way.
Did you tell them how much you gave up just to be the lightest of the bunch?
Babe, did you let them in on how many people ran from your depression?
Couldn't handle all those blackouts, your fainting spells.
Did you mention how wonderful it felt to have your skin yellow-
Bruises becoming on your back from bones rubbing.
The way you cried as you watched your hair fill the shower drain each morning.
I think you forgot to tell all those young groupies how nice it was,
Holding a monthly pass to that hospital down the road.
They expected you, kept your room ready for a relapse.
I held the visitors pass, shiny in my pocket.
I held on, I listened for that tumble so I could pick you up again.
And I helped you all the way to your grave.
You always wondered how many friends would cry at your funeral.
I couldn't count them all.
Many more than you thought came to mourn you.
I was always there to offer you guidance, listen to your cries for a simple life.
Who will listen to my perfect flaws, my dirty secrets?
I'm right behind you, denying food
Pushing my plates away again.
I'll swear that my family will have to line up and toss in the handfuls of dirt too
Just so I can lie next to you when all this is through.
I never asked for this disease.
All I ever wanted was for you to see yourself the way that I looked at you.
I wonder who let you into that room with the broken mirror that fed you lies.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for you-
Perfection was always the smallest number on the scale.
Even though I reached out to save you, I missed.
Now we bury your regrets, giving you freedom.
Darling, you always said that the day you weighed nothing, you would be happy.
Well you are weightless and I hope you've learned to fly.
Never coming down, I want to watch you spread your wings and shed that glorious skin
That kept you trapped to expectations.
With you so high, people are finally starting to see
How beautiful you really are.
PS...ermmmmmmmm i love chad.