(no subject)
I thought that was dandy. ^.^
Go FEMINISM!
So...let's see here.
I'm a very sad, angry person. I can't help it. I try, I really do. And I hate complaining...but wait...this is my journal, thus I can relate how I feel without a sense of guilt or whining. Yes.
I feel very fucking depressed. Why? I don't know. Everything hurts. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to do any work anymore. I want to give up. Just simply lay down, and say "I surrender". Because I do. I'm tired. Exhausted. I have no emotion left. It's all been murdered, slaughtered. I don't think I have an unconscious mind. And if I do...it isn't doing its job. It's supposed to take all of these memories and feelings that I cannot handle and tuck them away so that they do not interfere with my diurnal life. But are they? ARE THEY? NO. Every little memory that hurts wakes up with me in the morning, and dies with me at night. And it hurts.
Which leads to anger. I'm angry that this happens. Do I want to feel this way? NO I DO NOT. But what can I do? NOTHING. I'm so angry...irate....really fucking pissed at how this is turning out. I don't want to be depressed. I hate depression. I really do. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to think about the things people have done to me. I don't want to think about the hurt that has befallen me. No. But can I stop? NO. What the fuck? It's not fair...It really isn't.
Thus, I just want to lay down, in my bed, put a loaded 9mm in my mouth, and pull the trigger, and listen to the sound of the back of my skull exploding before I fade out of existance. But, alas, I cannot do that. Why? Because people need me. Because it would upset my mother and my father. Because it would make some of my friends angry. It would lead to more depression. And then, as everyone says, "death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", and it really would not be the best way to fix this, RIGHT? So I keep telling myself. But then...what kind of life is this that I'm living? I might as well be dead already. So what do I do?
I'm not quite sure yet.
I want some mother fucking Malaprop's coffee.