vague thoughts are vague
I work very hard at having a positive outlook on things -- against many of my natural tendencies, since I'm also a worrier by nature -- and at being nice to people even when they don't deserve it. Especially when they don't deserve it, on the theory that, if they're having genuine problems or struggling with their own private unhappiness, maybe the nice treatment will do some tiny bit of good in the world in the long run.
Barring that, if they're irredeemable assholes, the niceness will drive them up the wall. Win-win, as far as I'm concerned.
And sometimes that positive approach is really hard to maintain, especially when you feel you're hitting walls everywhere you turn, or when you encounter patterns of unkindness, of thoughtlessness, that don't seem to have any real good counter-measure, or way to deal with them that will let you maintain your own sense of perspective or any kind of equilibrium.
Or when the place you're in starts to feel unsafe: when you feel you can't be yourself without getting insulted or rejected or just plain shut out for simply being yourself -- or, more specifically, for not being who people want you to be. For being someone they're not comfortable with, or who they don't like for reasons that you can't fix or change. Because, really, what can you fix when you've done your best, and you're still rejected for not being the right person, not having the right interests, for being somehow wrong in who you are, what you believe, what you care about, what you love or what you need.
This is all abstract, I guess, but it's a tricky subject to talk about, to put into words, because it's more about patterns and unspoken attitudes than it is about specific incidents or insults.
Trying to be kind, trying to reach out and to embrace the joy and the things you love, can be really hard sometimes, especially when it's met with brick walls.
Which is also one of the (many) reasons I love scarletts_awry: she's my Person. My in-case-of-emergency person, my person who never makes me feel stupid or rejected for who I am, for who I want to be and for the things I care about, the things I believe.
Kindness and a positive outlook are hard things to stick with, because sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you're not going to get anything positive in return. And because, sometimes, you just want to punch people in the neck instead of continuing to try to put out that kindness and not getting anything good in return.
And I end up thinking that I'm wrong, that there's just something intrinsically bad about me, that I'm the one who's been wrong all along.
And I fail so many times at sticking with them. But I have to keep trying.
Barring that, if they're irredeemable assholes, the niceness will drive them up the wall. Win-win, as far as I'm concerned.
And sometimes that positive approach is really hard to maintain, especially when you feel you're hitting walls everywhere you turn, or when you encounter patterns of unkindness, of thoughtlessness, that don't seem to have any real good counter-measure, or way to deal with them that will let you maintain your own sense of perspective or any kind of equilibrium.
Or when the place you're in starts to feel unsafe: when you feel you can't be yourself without getting insulted or rejected or just plain shut out for simply being yourself -- or, more specifically, for not being who people want you to be. For being someone they're not comfortable with, or who they don't like for reasons that you can't fix or change. Because, really, what can you fix when you've done your best, and you're still rejected for not being the right person, not having the right interests, for being somehow wrong in who you are, what you believe, what you care about, what you love or what you need.
This is all abstract, I guess, but it's a tricky subject to talk about, to put into words, because it's more about patterns and unspoken attitudes than it is about specific incidents or insults.
Trying to be kind, trying to reach out and to embrace the joy and the things you love, can be really hard sometimes, especially when it's met with brick walls.
Which is also one of the (many) reasons I love scarletts_awry: she's my Person. My in-case-of-emergency person, my person who never makes me feel stupid or rejected for who I am, for who I want to be and for the things I care about, the things I believe.
Kindness and a positive outlook are hard things to stick with, because sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you're not going to get anything positive in return. And because, sometimes, you just want to punch people in the neck instead of continuing to try to put out that kindness and not getting anything good in return.
And I end up thinking that I'm wrong, that there's just something intrinsically bad about me, that I'm the one who's been wrong all along.
And I fail so many times at sticking with them. But I have to keep trying.