(no subject)
OMG. Just delved into the archives of my LJ from 5 years ago and it was disturbing. Who was that person? And how did she have any friends? ...let alone more friends than current me? Woah. I do see little hints of current me...or the me that I want to be, I guess.
See, the whole reason I was looking back there was because I was looking for the name of a filmmaker for my "festival memory" because I am volunteering to work the AZ International Film Festival this year, which I last did in 2006 for one of my classes. I did find the name of the film, but only after reading about things I must have suppressed in order to maintain my sanity. I really didn't think I had changed all that much since college, but after reading that I suspect I have grown up a lot.
That said, I am terrified of what the next couple months will bring. So I am trying to stay super-busy, thus why I volunteered to work the festival (actually also because it is on my list of 101 in 1001 and I think this is my best chance of accomplishing this goal before my time is up), and why I am working on a scrapbook for my mom, and why I am actually making an effort to find things to do at work. If I am super-busy, I won't have as much time to worry about what might happen between now and May. If I'm busy enough, things will just happen TO me and I will be forced to keep going and make decisions quickly and decisively. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have a tentative plan for what I would LIKE to have happen, and also a Plan B, but Plan C is basically just wallowing and sinking into poverty so hopefully one of the first two choices or some combination thereof will work out and I'll deal with it as it comes and I will come out of this changed for the better. I'm still super-nervous about everything, but I am trying to convince myself that, no matter what the result is, I made the right choices for me. It won't be easy, but change never is. I need this. I am not giving anything up just yet, just pursuing what I want, so why do I feel like I am about to lose something? Maybe I just need to know the answers before I can see if any pieces of the puzzle are actually missing or if they're just misplaced.
See, the whole reason I was looking back there was because I was looking for the name of a filmmaker for my "festival memory" because I am volunteering to work the AZ International Film Festival this year, which I last did in 2006 for one of my classes. I did find the name of the film, but only after reading about things I must have suppressed in order to maintain my sanity. I really didn't think I had changed all that much since college, but after reading that I suspect I have grown up a lot.
That said, I am terrified of what the next couple months will bring. So I am trying to stay super-busy, thus why I volunteered to work the festival (actually also because it is on my list of 101 in 1001 and I think this is my best chance of accomplishing this goal before my time is up), and why I am working on a scrapbook for my mom, and why I am actually making an effort to find things to do at work. If I am super-busy, I won't have as much time to worry about what might happen between now and May. If I'm busy enough, things will just happen TO me and I will be forced to keep going and make decisions quickly and decisively. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have a tentative plan for what I would LIKE to have happen, and also a Plan B, but Plan C is basically just wallowing and sinking into poverty so hopefully one of the first two choices or some combination thereof will work out and I'll deal with it as it comes and I will come out of this changed for the better. I'm still super-nervous about everything, but I am trying to convince myself that, no matter what the result is, I made the right choices for me. It won't be easy, but change never is. I need this. I am not giving anything up just yet, just pursuing what I want, so why do I feel like I am about to lose something? Maybe I just need to know the answers before I can see if any pieces of the puzzle are actually missing or if they're just misplaced.