A lesson in sobriety.
Resignation hesitation.
In some ways, I feel like an addict still. I have long accepted that these things cause me pain and misery, but I do not let go. I think instead, "What would I do without them?"
Today, I called in sick, took a nap, did my laundry, caught up with anime. I don't remember the last time I did this without an overhanging cloud of guilt somewhere above my head. I have been feeling so low for so long, I don't remember when exactly I started.
In some ways, I have been getting sober. Today was an example of that. Not a shining one perhaps, but a little glow in the dark. I did not feel guilt when I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not coming in today." I did not feel shame when I told my art partner I was going to rest. I did not feel anger when I swept my floor for the first time in a month.
Freedom can be strangely quiet. Perhaps because we're not accustomed to its appearance like this, we don't always recognise it. My mind prefers images of arms outstretched buoyantly towards the heavens, boisterous screams in the wind. My freedom cry was the roar of my vacuum cleaner.
As of today, my heart is a little lighter. Tomorrow, it will be another bit better.