Dave...i miss you
i really dont' know who to talk to about this situation with Dave.
It's so hard. i know things with him and Stace are intense and they are "best friends" if you want to call it in those terms. But i have never felt such a feeling of jealousy. Not jealously because i like dave as more than a friend, but jealousy that he doesn't talk to me about things and would rather tell her. I want him to be able to tell me anything....regardless of how it affects me. such as his relationship with Stacey. I read his messages tonite (i know that is the worst thing ever...but i had to, he does'nt talk to me about it, i needed ot know at least part of what is going on)....in his sent messages to her it was "i coudln't stand to see you with someone else" and "my dreams won't be sweet because you are not in my life anymore" or "please don't do this to me now when i need you the most" and my personal favourite "i'll be there at 9:15 because i can't not be near you"...hers in reply are shit like "lets get back together then because i am hurting also" i just can't deal with it. And i can't deal with it because i don't understand the depth to which Dave needs Stacey. I don't understand what is so special about Stace...And if Dave needs her that much then he needs that, i don't have a problem with it, he can have that relationship. I obviously can't provide anything to the standard that Stacey is, and i want Dave to have what he needs. I want Dave to be happy, i want him to have something in his life he sees as special. But what about Loren? what about me? He's flying all the way to the states for this girl, he owes her at least an explanation of what is going on with Stacey here. if he thinks Xav's way is the way to do things, he's entirely misguided...but i have stood by him since Loren left. i have been his best friend. I introduced him to Stacey, Roberta, Jules, etc....those girls who *hated* him when they met him. called him alcoholic, etc. asked why i was bringing him to our "parties" etc. And now look who's hanging off him every second of every day. Stacey and him are moving out together....i can't comprehend it. I feel like i am the most inferior person in the world. dave's friendship means so much to me and i don't understand why i'm not enough of a friend for him. But from the messages i read, i think i finally understand that their friendship isn't just friendship, they're deeper than that. and good for him, if that's what makes him happy, if that gets him through the day then so be it...but tell me. Please. That's all i want. i want him to sit down and treat me like a friend. i can't deal with it...i need Dave...I really do. He is the one constant in my life at Bond. But i've lost him this semster. and i lost him to a manipulative girl who used to be nice, she used to be awesome, but has changed so much....i don't know what to do or how to do deal with my feeling. And i know that this is again a nother reason for me to see a counseller but i can't. I just can't. and i cant' talk to him about it because every tiem i've tried i haven't been able to find the right words to express why i'm upset. all he knows is that i hate his relationship with stace, etc...i just want things to be like they were with us last semster. We were inseperable...i felt close ot him...i felt like maybe there was a hint of a friendship like Brian and I....i guess i was wrong. I hate stacey for causing me to feel this way, i hate her for doing it to Loren, and i hate her for taking the one thing i care so much about. I don't for one second think that me and Dave are more than friends, and never have, he is the one boy in my life i have never had romantic feelings for but have felt that close to. Of course i felt something for Brian, but then there was Matt, and now there's nothing. Nothing. My life is nothing.