I still get anxious and I don't know what I'm afraid of.
So. Obligatory end of the year wrap up, a couple days late.
2009 was intense. In the end, I'm not sure what side of the bad/good line it settles on. It was just intense and I'm glad it's gone. I think in beginnings and endings and I like the feelings they bring. I like to stand on ceremony sometimes.
I write this on a day when I've had two panicky moments from two of the things that have contributed to the bad in the last year, and I realize they are two people. I am great with situation. I am not so great with people.
Everything was bland until August and then things got goddamn spicy.
August: Justin left. It was messy and not good, but it was necessary, and I am no longer bitter. It could have been done better. Of course, I WOULD be the worst critic of the situation. Where I stand now on the issue: Whatever, man. It was fun, but he also made me a little crazy and in the end this is better. We're in contact again and that is good. I hope he's doing well.
September: Tim came to my cousin's wedding with me and it was nice to get out. Justin was still telling me he loved me at this point which was pretty confusing. But I started painting, and spent the month trying to find a place to live, enjoying constant migraines, and living alone in an apartment filled with my former life. See above - it could have been done better.
October: Moved out, moved into the new place in Providence. Made fast friends with Abe. Started going a little crazy. Babs died on October 17th, and the memorial was the first time I'd seen Justin since the breakup. Guess that's all there is to say about that. Halloween was fun - I was Nancy Drew.
November: Went to India! Came back to find out that Justin was dating someone new. Found out my mom has some kind of diet cancer (cancer lite!), hit rock bottom on the crazy front. Entered into a friendship that was horrible for me, spent a night in a psych ward, promptly got out of said friendship. Disappeared off the radar for a bit.
December: Continued to be haunted by a person who was toxic for me, changed my phone number. Took two weeks of vacation punctuated by booze and fun. Confusion continues, though I feel like I am starting to get a handle on it, and that I know what I want from people and what I can give them. I refuse to be bullied and I refuse to be a victim. Found out that I am a patient human but if you back me into a corner I swear to God I will scratch your fucking eyes out and feel no regret. I'm pretty ok with that.
Resolutions? Sure. I'd like to read more non-fiction. I'd like to develop good living habits and healthy friendships and share my happiness with a certain someone. I'd like to continue to manage my anxiety in a healthy way and be unafraid of telling my therapist the truth. I'd like to commit to things and people, and be the kind of adult I've always wanted to be, the kind whose hands never shook until this year, who doesn't hyperventilate in conflict situations, who loves things and knows about them, who is active and generous and kind but self aware and willing to protect her brain, who is creative and intelligent and full of adventure, who is strong and real, who believes in actions and loves words anyway.
2009 was intense. In the end, I'm not sure what side of the bad/good line it settles on. It was just intense and I'm glad it's gone. I think in beginnings and endings and I like the feelings they bring. I like to stand on ceremony sometimes.
I write this on a day when I've had two panicky moments from two of the things that have contributed to the bad in the last year, and I realize they are two people. I am great with situation. I am not so great with people.
Everything was bland until August and then things got goddamn spicy.
August: Justin left. It was messy and not good, but it was necessary, and I am no longer bitter. It could have been done better. Of course, I WOULD be the worst critic of the situation. Where I stand now on the issue: Whatever, man. It was fun, but he also made me a little crazy and in the end this is better. We're in contact again and that is good. I hope he's doing well.
September: Tim came to my cousin's wedding with me and it was nice to get out. Justin was still telling me he loved me at this point which was pretty confusing. But I started painting, and spent the month trying to find a place to live, enjoying constant migraines, and living alone in an apartment filled with my former life. See above - it could have been done better.
October: Moved out, moved into the new place in Providence. Made fast friends with Abe. Started going a little crazy. Babs died on October 17th, and the memorial was the first time I'd seen Justin since the breakup. Guess that's all there is to say about that. Halloween was fun - I was Nancy Drew.
November: Went to India! Came back to find out that Justin was dating someone new. Found out my mom has some kind of diet cancer (cancer lite!), hit rock bottom on the crazy front. Entered into a friendship that was horrible for me, spent a night in a psych ward, promptly got out of said friendship. Disappeared off the radar for a bit.
December: Continued to be haunted by a person who was toxic for me, changed my phone number. Took two weeks of vacation punctuated by booze and fun. Confusion continues, though I feel like I am starting to get a handle on it, and that I know what I want from people and what I can give them. I refuse to be bullied and I refuse to be a victim. Found out that I am a patient human but if you back me into a corner I swear to God I will scratch your fucking eyes out and feel no regret. I'm pretty ok with that.
Resolutions? Sure. I'd like to read more non-fiction. I'd like to develop good living habits and healthy friendships and share my happiness with a certain someone. I'd like to continue to manage my anxiety in a healthy way and be unafraid of telling my therapist the truth. I'd like to commit to things and people, and be the kind of adult I've always wanted to be, the kind whose hands never shook until this year, who doesn't hyperventilate in conflict situations, who loves things and knows about them, who is active and generous and kind but self aware and willing to protect her brain, who is creative and intelligent and full of adventure, who is strong and real, who believes in actions and loves words anyway.