the rules
i have, for years and years, had a list of "rules" which i refer to casually in conversation as if everyone knows what i'm talking about. i keep losing them, however, and it's finally come to the point where i think i should have a record of at least the ones i mostly remember.
they've mutated a bit over the years, of course - for instance, rule #13 was formerly rule #1, and it was a pain to explain what i meant by it and it was all kinds of fluky that it was rule #1 at all because it's rather a silly one. so one day, someone said to me "you know... they're YOUR rules. you can change rule #1 if you want to", and we decided that since we were always reminding each other to remember who we were talking to, that was as good as any. so, you know, mutating. it'd be nice if i had the various lists from over the years, as i was up to 50 or more and now can't remember that many, but the first 10 or... so? haven't changed much if at all, except for the aforementioned rule #1.
now that i've over-explained: the rules.
rule #1 - remember who you're talking to.
rule #2 - don't ask if you don't really wanna know, particularly if you think you already know the answer and aren't ready for it. examples include: "are you cheating on me?", "does this make me look fat?" and "how much did this cost?"
rule #3 - you just can't make everyone happy. furthermore, it is not your responsibility to try to. quit it. it will eat your soul, and nobody will be happy anyhow.
rule #4 - know what you want. it helps to know where you're going, someone may ask, or you just may be granted a wish.
4A) be specific. (wish granters are an untrustworthy, devious bunch, so you want to be sure of things like whether you'll owe interest on the million bucks, that you'll go down in jeans size as well as weight, or that your new corvette isn't a matchbox car.)
4B) ...but not too specific. (if you were slated for the steak to satisfy your red meat craving, but only asked for the hamburger... always be willing to accept something better.)
rule #5 - no poofdahs.
rule #6 - there is, of course, no rule #6.
rule #7 - don't explain more than necessary, especially when saying "no". people usually seem to want reasons so they can try to make them go away or think you a bitch for having said reasons.
rule #8 - trust your instincts.
rule #9 - if you don't know, just say you don't know.
rule #10- always check your back seat, always look up, and as much as possible, always be aware of your surroundings.
rule #11- escalation is probably not the answer. (note: a good offense is not the same as escalation. learn the difference.)
rule #12- red lipstick must be applied PERFECTLY. however, it covers a multitude of imperfections, if not used too often.
rule #13- you can't not tell (formerly rule #1). use your own judgment in applying this rule (see rule #7)... after all, you can make up something believable if you don't elaborate to excess. but don't ignore it to be coy or get attention or otherwise drama-whore, all "oh, i didn't mean to gasp significantly when you said that, tee-hee. no, i really can't say" because, grow up.
rule #14- be able to make up something believable. then, only do so rarely, if at all.
rule #15- trust your instincts. really.
rule #16- when someone gives you a compliment, say "thank you".
rule #17- if it doesn't fit NOW, don't buy it.
rule #18- shoot zombies in the heed! don't you watch movies??
rule #19- make a backup.
rule #20- make a backup.
rule #21- keep secrets. if in doubt, keep your mouth shut. yes, even as regards rule #13 and obvious reactions - don't "tut" or raise your eyebrows and think you're being all discreet. please.
rule #21- don't expect others to keep secrets. if in doubt, keep your mouth shut. this applies even more if it isn't YOUR secret.
rule #22- trust. your. instincts! (as you may have guessed, i still haven't actually learned this one yet, much to my grief.)
that's enough for now. questions, comments, suggestions, additions?
they've mutated a bit over the years, of course - for instance, rule #13 was formerly rule #1, and it was a pain to explain what i meant by it and it was all kinds of fluky that it was rule #1 at all because it's rather a silly one. so one day, someone said to me "you know... they're YOUR rules. you can change rule #1 if you want to", and we decided that since we were always reminding each other to remember who we were talking to, that was as good as any. so, you know, mutating. it'd be nice if i had the various lists from over the years, as i was up to 50 or more and now can't remember that many, but the first 10 or... so? haven't changed much if at all, except for the aforementioned rule #1.
now that i've over-explained: the rules.
rule #1 - remember who you're talking to.
rule #2 - don't ask if you don't really wanna know, particularly if you think you already know the answer and aren't ready for it. examples include: "are you cheating on me?", "does this make me look fat?" and "how much did this cost?"
rule #3 - you just can't make everyone happy. furthermore, it is not your responsibility to try to. quit it. it will eat your soul, and nobody will be happy anyhow.
rule #4 - know what you want. it helps to know where you're going, someone may ask, or you just may be granted a wish.
4A) be specific. (wish granters are an untrustworthy, devious bunch, so you want to be sure of things like whether you'll owe interest on the million bucks, that you'll go down in jeans size as well as weight, or that your new corvette isn't a matchbox car.)
4B) ...but not too specific. (if you were slated for the steak to satisfy your red meat craving, but only asked for the hamburger... always be willing to accept something better.)
rule #5 - no poofdahs.
rule #6 - there is, of course, no rule #6.
rule #7 - don't explain more than necessary, especially when saying "no". people usually seem to want reasons so they can try to make them go away or think you a bitch for having said reasons.
rule #8 - trust your instincts.
rule #9 - if you don't know, just say you don't know.
rule #10- always check your back seat, always look up, and as much as possible, always be aware of your surroundings.
rule #11- escalation is probably not the answer. (note: a good offense is not the same as escalation. learn the difference.)
rule #12- red lipstick must be applied PERFECTLY. however, it covers a multitude of imperfections, if not used too often.
rule #13- you can't not tell (formerly rule #1). use your own judgment in applying this rule (see rule #7)... after all, you can make up something believable if you don't elaborate to excess. but don't ignore it to be coy or get attention or otherwise drama-whore, all "oh, i didn't mean to gasp significantly when you said that, tee-hee. no, i really can't say" because, grow up.
rule #14- be able to make up something believable. then, only do so rarely, if at all.
rule #15- trust your instincts. really.
rule #16- when someone gives you a compliment, say "thank you".
rule #17- if it doesn't fit NOW, don't buy it.
rule #18- shoot zombies in the heed! don't you watch movies??
rule #19- make a backup.
rule #20- make a backup.
rule #21- keep secrets. if in doubt, keep your mouth shut. yes, even as regards rule #13 and obvious reactions - don't "tut" or raise your eyebrows and think you're being all discreet. please.
rule #21- don't expect others to keep secrets. if in doubt, keep your mouth shut. this applies even more if it isn't YOUR secret.
rule #22- trust. your. instincts! (as you may have guessed, i still haven't actually learned this one yet, much to my grief.)
that's enough for now. questions, comments, suggestions, additions?