(no subject)
so i guess a for real for real update needs to happen. I cant sleep anyway so fuck, here goes.
So i just learned today that because of some mis-fucking-information i received that I am NOT going to the Muse show at the Tabernacle on the 6th, not to be confused with the 5th. Great. They're not my favorite band or anything so i guess I'm not completely upset about that. Oh wait, yes they are....
Also, I then proceed to realize that beyond the shadow of a doubt 85% of the people i work with are complete FUCKWITS. God damn. They're either conceited or stingy or stupid or mental cases or just in general suck at their job, which in turn, affects how I'm able to do mine. I have not patience nor any tolerance for this bullshit any longer. So it just rocks that I have to do a double on Saturday AND on Sunday. GREAT.
I will say though, that it has been fun teaching the Milton kids. Being that I'm close in age with them, it's a nice careful balance of being the guy they can joke around with but I am still an intense teacher at the same time. So it's going good. They're a pretty good line i'd say, for high school of course (must transpose).
But I am getting VERY le tired. Up at 8 AM monday through thursday to do two 3-hour blocks of rehearsal. Then i get to work pretty much from friday night through sunday night at the restaurant. Just starting to get taxing. Whatever I guess this is just the last weekend anyhow, my last day at the restaurant is friday, then it's Drum Corps Saturday then band camp from sunday to friday. Then it's not a Muse concert and then the NY trip with mom, ash, and mom's bo. Then, it's back to school.
I'm just getting worn down, but hey cant stop.
I dont fuckin know people. I just feel I'm starting to buckle in my brain. I have all this shit going on with my corps group of friends- I've changed and I've pissed everyone off this summer and I dont know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. I've changed? I disagree. I've solidified. The hopeful optimistic humanitarian that i was in high school has been smothered, choked, killed by a world in which such ideals cannot be realized or even listened to and considered. A harder more cynical person has surfaced. I've always been out there, crazy, crude, rude, and a blowhard, it's just taken a more diffinitave direction. So I'd like to know just how I've changed, What sides of myself everyone hasn't seen at least at all before.
Pressure.
Pressure from just about all sides of my life. Gotta satisfy everyone. Gotta be right for everyone. I'm just trying to find a balance and still be me. I just think that sometimes, just sometimes, that even the people closest to me dont fully understand what i go through in my mind. The things i have to do to make it all work. I'm trying. Trying so hard.
I dont even know what im trying to say from all this. I guess just that I feel like im under a lot of pressure and i'm doing my best but i just seem to slip up. I dont know how to make it all fit, all run smoothly, maybe it's not supposed to? No. I refuse to believe that.
I think people really get the wrong impression of me sometimes.
And I think I'm at the point where i just cant muster the energy to care or do anything about it for some people.
But I'm fine, just tired. Tired and rambling. I probably wont even feel this way come the morning. Just need rest but of course, i cant sleep. Story of my life eh?
I love you.
And by the way, this is not to insinuate that I'm not happy. Im not saying that. It is what it is you know?
I'll find a way to make it work. I always do.
So i just learned today that because of some mis-fucking-information i received that I am NOT going to the Muse show at the Tabernacle on the 6th, not to be confused with the 5th. Great. They're not my favorite band or anything so i guess I'm not completely upset about that. Oh wait, yes they are....
Also, I then proceed to realize that beyond the shadow of a doubt 85% of the people i work with are complete FUCKWITS. God damn. They're either conceited or stingy or stupid or mental cases or just in general suck at their job, which in turn, affects how I'm able to do mine. I have not patience nor any tolerance for this bullshit any longer. So it just rocks that I have to do a double on Saturday AND on Sunday. GREAT.
I will say though, that it has been fun teaching the Milton kids. Being that I'm close in age with them, it's a nice careful balance of being the guy they can joke around with but I am still an intense teacher at the same time. So it's going good. They're a pretty good line i'd say, for high school of course (must transpose).
But I am getting VERY le tired. Up at 8 AM monday through thursday to do two 3-hour blocks of rehearsal. Then i get to work pretty much from friday night through sunday night at the restaurant. Just starting to get taxing. Whatever I guess this is just the last weekend anyhow, my last day at the restaurant is friday, then it's Drum Corps Saturday then band camp from sunday to friday. Then it's not a Muse concert and then the NY trip with mom, ash, and mom's bo. Then, it's back to school.
I'm just getting worn down, but hey cant stop.
I dont fuckin know people. I just feel I'm starting to buckle in my brain. I have all this shit going on with my corps group of friends- I've changed and I've pissed everyone off this summer and I dont know what the fuck I'm supposed to do about it. I've changed? I disagree. I've solidified. The hopeful optimistic humanitarian that i was in high school has been smothered, choked, killed by a world in which such ideals cannot be realized or even listened to and considered. A harder more cynical person has surfaced. I've always been out there, crazy, crude, rude, and a blowhard, it's just taken a more diffinitave direction. So I'd like to know just how I've changed, What sides of myself everyone hasn't seen at least at all before.
Pressure.
Pressure from just about all sides of my life. Gotta satisfy everyone. Gotta be right for everyone. I'm just trying to find a balance and still be me. I just think that sometimes, just sometimes, that even the people closest to me dont fully understand what i go through in my mind. The things i have to do to make it all work. I'm trying. Trying so hard.
I dont even know what im trying to say from all this. I guess just that I feel like im under a lot of pressure and i'm doing my best but i just seem to slip up. I dont know how to make it all fit, all run smoothly, maybe it's not supposed to? No. I refuse to believe that.
I think people really get the wrong impression of me sometimes.
And I think I'm at the point where i just cant muster the energy to care or do anything about it for some people.
But I'm fine, just tired. Tired and rambling. I probably wont even feel this way come the morning. Just need rest but of course, i cant sleep. Story of my life eh?
I love you.
And by the way, this is not to insinuate that I'm not happy. Im not saying that. It is what it is you know?
I'll find a way to make it work. I always do.