Draft: 'the one with the spastic penguin' (dc future!fic, Damian/Irey, G)
This is completely and utterly unedited. Posting as is for Lissa as a gift. Enjoy and I shall clean it up at some point not at 3am.
Title: the one with the spastic penguin
Fandom: DC
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,400
Disclaimer: I do not own. I'm just having fun.
Summary: The story of how Damian realized that he liked Irey, and how Irey knew all along.
It started the day that their ramshackle little group teamed up with Drake.
(It actually started about eight weeks prior, when Irey went home and told her mother in a resolute voice: ‘I am going to marry Robin.’ But Damian doesn’t know about that.)
At first Damian was merely mildly annoyed that Drake was so much taller than he was. It was harder being commanding and giving orders to his frankly disorganised and ill-disciplined teammates when Drake was just there, looming over everything and watching and showing off that he had more time to learn the leadership thing off Dick than Damian did. If his father hadn’t come back, Damian was sure that he would be a better leader than Drake by now. Dick even liked him better.
(It was no secret that Dick had a fondness for the newest Robin. It’s how Irey got all her information. Uncle Dick would happily tell her anything she wanted to know. It’s worth it to know all the things Damian wouldn’t tell her, and it’s especially gratifying all those times Irey managed to surprise him. He gets that slightly startled expression for a moment that makes him resemble a vaguely confused, angry chipmunk. It makes Irey smile.)
Damian didn’t notice it at first, but when Irey’s girly giggles - his - interrupted his strategy talk with Colin, and Damian turned automatically to tell Impulse to shut up, he noticed that she’s not actually there. She’s with Drake. Talking to him. Drake. Damian was sure that wasn’t legal. There were rules about things like that, weren’t there? There should be. Big ones. With the death penalty attached. Thou shalt not covet Damian’s Irey, Drake, she’s too young for you and frankly, you’re too tall for her. And old. And…not good enough.
(When Irey dutifully informed her mother that she was marrying Robin, Linda merely asked her: ‘Which one?’ It was a sensible question, as at times there seemed to be more Robins than the birds they were named after. Irey had replied: ‘The short one.’)
Colin resolutely ignored Damian’s many and varied complaints about all the ways that Drake’s advances towards their teammate (“they’re just talking, Damian”) are inappropriate, and eventually wandered away to leave Damian to have what amounts to an apoplectic fit in the corner about the many ways this day had gone so wrong.
(If anyone asked Colin and Irey about their unofficial team leader, Damian would probably be upset that words they used weren’t ‘the greatest’, ‘inspiring’, or ‘the next Batman’. Colin would describe him as ‘kinda scary’ and ‘over-dramatic’ and maybe ‘talks funny’. Irey would smile and say, ‘he flails a lot. It reminds me of an angry penguin’.)
After the criminal was caught and Irey safely back in Keystone away from Drake’s predatory gaze, Damian did his duty as team leader and called to inform her father of this unfortunate episode, and all the dangers involved in older men hanging around young, impressionable girls. Damian did several hours of research to back up his findings.
“He what now?”
“He was looking at her for an inappropriate amount of time,” Damian informed Wally West again, in his most earnest tone. He’s been working on it, ever since Colin had shyly informed him he always sounded angry and Irey had nodded thoughtfully and mentioned something about chipmunks. Damian was sure his voice was due to break any day now, which would hopefully help with the chipmunk thing.
Irey’s father was still silent over the phone.
Damian quickly brought up some of his data on the Batcomputer. “I timed the length of his stare and everything if you need supporting data for my conclusions,” he reported helpfully.
Wally West sputtered, choked, and was generally incoherent. Damian smirked, pleased, and reassured himself that Irey’s virtue was safe from Drake’s malicious advances.
(Wally West spent about half an hour laughing his head off. Then he went to check on his kids and told an ecstatic Irey, ‘That Damian kid doesn’t seem so bad’, which to Irey meant her father approved of their impending marriage. Jai regarded his father hopelessly and informed him: ‘He’s a spastic freak. You’re all insane.’)
Two days later Damian was working with Dick and the fool won’t stop grinning at him. Finally, Damian huffed, folded his arms over his chest and snapped a harried, ‘what?’ at him. Dick’s smile looked like it could crack his head open.
“Did you really tell Wally that Tim was staring at his daughter inappropriately?” Dick asked gleefully.
Damian gaped for about ten full seconds before blushing bright red and fleeing a full two building away to the sound of peals of laughter and Dick positively cooing over how adorable it all was.
The sing-song ‘Damian’s got a cruuuuuuush’ just made him abandon patrol altogether.
When his father asked him later Damian stiffly informed him that he ate some bad seafood for lunch.
It’s not until he’s brooding (sulking) in his room after dinner that the thought occurred to him that his behaviour over the whole situation was irrational, and maybe he was sick. Maybe it was one of those puberty things. With the weird emotional swings and everything he’d read about.
It took another full three days - to Damian’s everlasting embarrassment - for him to finally realize (he’s in the middle of a vault and accidentally forgets what he’s doing halfway through and smacks into the wall) that he actually…liked Irey. As a person. As a girl.
Damian was stunned and horrified for a full five minutes after this self-revelation. To his credit, the stunned mostly came from the minor concussion his head connecting with the wall resulted in.
The horrified is partially the fact that his entire ‘smash-into-the-wall’ act has been recorded on the Batcomputer because, well, it’s the Batcave and that’s what they do. The rest was entirely because it’s Irey who is annoying…and red-haired…and annoying! And has pigtails! Red ones! And freckles…only twenty-two of them but STILL! She was all red-haired and freckled and annoying and compared him to small furry animals, and only listened to him half the time, even if it was the important half, and she talked too fast and ate too much and had deplorable manners and was too shy except when she punched people in the face and…and… she smelled like apples.
…
“She has twenty-two freckles,” he informed Alfred bleakly, as the butler attempted to tend to the cut across his eyebrow and asked in an increasingly concerned tone how he was feeling.
(In the end, Linda didn’t laugh or disapprove or say ‘you’re too young’. She just smiled and asked Irey: ‘Are you sure?’ Irey thought about this for a while and nodded. ‘Yes, I think I am. I think we’ll be good for each other. I will be a calming influence.’ Linda didn’t feel bad about laughing at that part.)
It was a quiet breakfast in the Wayne household. Damian spent half the night trying to make the Batcomputer forget it ever saw the less than graceful events of Damian versus the Wall. The other half of his night was dedicated to the problem of the crush, and the ways to get rid of it. He wasn’t sure how to go about that. After the twenty-thousandth time he recalled the smell of Irey’s hair when she raced circles around him, he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to. It was…strange. His decision to not get rid of the crush, that is. HAVING a crush was entirely normal. Damian had several documents worth of research in several languages backing that part up.
“So…” Bruce Wayne began quietly. “Who has twenty-two freckles?”
Damian blinked, and stared for several long moments at his barely-smirking father.
“I’m going to marry Impulse,” Damian informed him, before going back to eating his toast.
The sound of Batman spitting a mouthful of coffee all over his newspaper was extraordinarily gratifying, Damian reflected with a smirk.
(Damian was mildly guilty that he left it for several days for letting Irey know that he liked her and that she was the second to know he intended to one day marry her. Irey laughed, and didn’t tell Damian about the eight weeks that her entire family and the superhero community at large ALL knew that she intended on marrying HIM. It would just make his eyebrows do the crazy-dance, Irey reflected, and she much preferred it when he was happy, and smiled, and his cheeks puffed out like an angry-happy chipmunk.)
Title: the one with the spastic penguin
Fandom: DC
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,400
Disclaimer: I do not own. I'm just having fun.
Summary: The story of how Damian realized that he liked Irey, and how Irey knew all along.
It started the day that their ramshackle little group teamed up with Drake.
(It actually started about eight weeks prior, when Irey went home and told her mother in a resolute voice: ‘I am going to marry Robin.’ But Damian doesn’t know about that.)
At first Damian was merely mildly annoyed that Drake was so much taller than he was. It was harder being commanding and giving orders to his frankly disorganised and ill-disciplined teammates when Drake was just there, looming over everything and watching and showing off that he had more time to learn the leadership thing off Dick than Damian did. If his father hadn’t come back, Damian was sure that he would be a better leader than Drake by now. Dick even liked him better.
(It was no secret that Dick had a fondness for the newest Robin. It’s how Irey got all her information. Uncle Dick would happily tell her anything she wanted to know. It’s worth it to know all the things Damian wouldn’t tell her, and it’s especially gratifying all those times Irey managed to surprise him. He gets that slightly startled expression for a moment that makes him resemble a vaguely confused, angry chipmunk. It makes Irey smile.)
Damian didn’t notice it at first, but when Irey’s girly giggles - his - interrupted his strategy talk with Colin, and Damian turned automatically to tell Impulse to shut up, he noticed that she’s not actually there. She’s with Drake. Talking to him. Drake. Damian was sure that wasn’t legal. There were rules about things like that, weren’t there? There should be. Big ones. With the death penalty attached. Thou shalt not covet Damian’s Irey, Drake, she’s too young for you and frankly, you’re too tall for her. And old. And…not good enough.
(When Irey dutifully informed her mother that she was marrying Robin, Linda merely asked her: ‘Which one?’ It was a sensible question, as at times there seemed to be more Robins than the birds they were named after. Irey had replied: ‘The short one.’)
Colin resolutely ignored Damian’s many and varied complaints about all the ways that Drake’s advances towards their teammate (“they’re just talking, Damian”) are inappropriate, and eventually wandered away to leave Damian to have what amounts to an apoplectic fit in the corner about the many ways this day had gone so wrong.
(If anyone asked Colin and Irey about their unofficial team leader, Damian would probably be upset that words they used weren’t ‘the greatest’, ‘inspiring’, or ‘the next Batman’. Colin would describe him as ‘kinda scary’ and ‘over-dramatic’ and maybe ‘talks funny’. Irey would smile and say, ‘he flails a lot. It reminds me of an angry penguin’.)
After the criminal was caught and Irey safely back in Keystone away from Drake’s predatory gaze, Damian did his duty as team leader and called to inform her father of this unfortunate episode, and all the dangers involved in older men hanging around young, impressionable girls. Damian did several hours of research to back up his findings.
“He what now?”
“He was looking at her for an inappropriate amount of time,” Damian informed Wally West again, in his most earnest tone. He’s been working on it, ever since Colin had shyly informed him he always sounded angry and Irey had nodded thoughtfully and mentioned something about chipmunks. Damian was sure his voice was due to break any day now, which would hopefully help with the chipmunk thing.
Irey’s father was still silent over the phone.
Damian quickly brought up some of his data on the Batcomputer. “I timed the length of his stare and everything if you need supporting data for my conclusions,” he reported helpfully.
Wally West sputtered, choked, and was generally incoherent. Damian smirked, pleased, and reassured himself that Irey’s virtue was safe from Drake’s malicious advances.
(Wally West spent about half an hour laughing his head off. Then he went to check on his kids and told an ecstatic Irey, ‘That Damian kid doesn’t seem so bad’, which to Irey meant her father approved of their impending marriage. Jai regarded his father hopelessly and informed him: ‘He’s a spastic freak. You’re all insane.’)
Two days later Damian was working with Dick and the fool won’t stop grinning at him. Finally, Damian huffed, folded his arms over his chest and snapped a harried, ‘what?’ at him. Dick’s smile looked like it could crack his head open.
“Did you really tell Wally that Tim was staring at his daughter inappropriately?” Dick asked gleefully.
Damian gaped for about ten full seconds before blushing bright red and fleeing a full two building away to the sound of peals of laughter and Dick positively cooing over how adorable it all was.
The sing-song ‘Damian’s got a cruuuuuuush’ just made him abandon patrol altogether.
When his father asked him later Damian stiffly informed him that he ate some bad seafood for lunch.
It’s not until he’s brooding (sulking) in his room after dinner that the thought occurred to him that his behaviour over the whole situation was irrational, and maybe he was sick. Maybe it was one of those puberty things. With the weird emotional swings and everything he’d read about.
It took another full three days - to Damian’s everlasting embarrassment - for him to finally realize (he’s in the middle of a vault and accidentally forgets what he’s doing halfway through and smacks into the wall) that he actually…liked Irey. As a person. As a girl.
Damian was stunned and horrified for a full five minutes after this self-revelation. To his credit, the stunned mostly came from the minor concussion his head connecting with the wall resulted in.
The horrified is partially the fact that his entire ‘smash-into-the-wall’ act has been recorded on the Batcomputer because, well, it’s the Batcave and that’s what they do. The rest was entirely because it’s Irey who is annoying…and red-haired…and annoying! And has pigtails! Red ones! And freckles…only twenty-two of them but STILL! She was all red-haired and freckled and annoying and compared him to small furry animals, and only listened to him half the time, even if it was the important half, and she talked too fast and ate too much and had deplorable manners and was too shy except when she punched people in the face and…and… she smelled like apples.
…
“She has twenty-two freckles,” he informed Alfred bleakly, as the butler attempted to tend to the cut across his eyebrow and asked in an increasingly concerned tone how he was feeling.
(In the end, Linda didn’t laugh or disapprove or say ‘you’re too young’. She just smiled and asked Irey: ‘Are you sure?’ Irey thought about this for a while and nodded. ‘Yes, I think I am. I think we’ll be good for each other. I will be a calming influence.’ Linda didn’t feel bad about laughing at that part.)
It was a quiet breakfast in the Wayne household. Damian spent half the night trying to make the Batcomputer forget it ever saw the less than graceful events of Damian versus the Wall. The other half of his night was dedicated to the problem of the crush, and the ways to get rid of it. He wasn’t sure how to go about that. After the twenty-thousandth time he recalled the smell of Irey’s hair when she raced circles around him, he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to. It was…strange. His decision to not get rid of the crush, that is. HAVING a crush was entirely normal. Damian had several documents worth of research in several languages backing that part up.
“So…” Bruce Wayne began quietly. “Who has twenty-two freckles?”
Damian blinked, and stared for several long moments at his barely-smirking father.
“I’m going to marry Impulse,” Damian informed him, before going back to eating his toast.
The sound of Batman spitting a mouthful of coffee all over his newspaper was extraordinarily gratifying, Damian reflected with a smirk.
(Damian was mildly guilty that he left it for several days for letting Irey know that he liked her and that she was the second to know he intended to one day marry her. Irey laughed, and didn’t tell Damian about the eight weeks that her entire family and the superhero community at large ALL knew that she intended on marrying HIM. It would just make his eyebrows do the crazy-dance, Irey reflected, and she much preferred it when he was happy, and smiled, and his cheeks puffed out like an angry-happy chipmunk.)