Entry # 83- Steel

[steeleblack]

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This is my new favorite song by Charlotte Martin. It's very fitting for my life- the relationship aspect of it, not so much, but the basic gist of it, is  my life. I am steel. I don't feel. We are steel. We don't feel. We don't feel anything at all.

I've seen some good movies lately. By the way. lol.

The Box, with Cameron Dias was good, though the plot line, I don't necessarily agree with. It's definately fantasy.  Out of all of the movies that I've seen, though, Time Travelers Wife is the best, and that includes Avatar.

Eric has been doing so good. He got 4 A's on his report card. Yay!! And he got a c in math, cuz of two 50's. A concept that Mike and Eric are gonna go over.  I don't know what his grade was for the science project. I guess I'll ask later.




They say choose-
I'm gonna lose
No matter what I do;
Three corridors
Oh how I wish
I never wanted this
Wanted this
I wanted peace
And a smile
Just for a little while...
Feeling the breeze
Just as I pleased
Never to feel again
Never to know a friend
And I certainly can't pretend
It won't come again
That feeling of pain
When nothing matters
Not even the pouring rain.
Is it about choice?
Is it about chance?
Never again will  I feel
The pleasure of romance.
I'm just a robot
A mere beast
And thinking I did as I pleased
Has led me on a path I don't need.
So many believe it is of the will
Then bring me back to life
It is he that heals
It is he that kills,
No one can touch me
Not one single prayer
When I needed him most
He wasn't there
And never will
And never will
Again.
Never will  again.
Hell is the place for the end
But it is where I'll begin
Lost and alone
Knowing
What I had
What I lost
How many times I counted the cost
Only those words
Are for the
Beloved
And not the tossed.

I made cabbage stew today, for mike. I don't eat it, though. He likes it, minus all of the grease from the sausages that I  put in it. When it cools, he takes the grease off the top. What did I eat today? Too many carbs, though I am at 221. I weighed yesterday at the dr's. I'm gonna try to weigh daily so that I don't put on more weight. I am heavy enough.

Eric had to have a pic of our heads for Chinese class. Mine was funny, because my head was bigger then Mike's and Eric's. I have a BIG head. lol.  How will I ever take this weight off? I need to exercise. THAT could be my equalizer.  I have my reasons for not wanting to walk. I think that it's too dangerous, this day and age. You never know what crazy person you're gonna meet while you're out. Not that I'm really afraid; just sensible.

Don't you just love this pic?




I try not to be gross in my diary, too much. In my old diary, on MDD, I would sometimes put gory pics up, but it offended alot of people, so I stopped. I think  that my poetry is offensive enough. lol.

Anyway.  We'll see what tomorrow brings. More of the same. sigh. I hate my life as it is. And the saddest part about it is that I am powerless to fix it. I understand the evilest depths of society. I understand why and how people kill and murder. They don't have that caring feeling. Neither do I. Not that I am murderous. I have it, completely in my mind and heart, that God takes care of death; that it's not my place to take someone else's life- that's why I've never killed myself. God will kill me soon enough, along with everyone else.

I told Mike tonight, that if I was ever comotose and there was a choice to kill me or keep me alive, to kill me. I don't want him to try and keep me alive. Even if I am on my way DOWN.

Cya!