Superbowl XLI on BRAVO!
I haven't posted an LJ entry in forever, so what could so move me that I needed to post?
The gay conspiracy taking over the Superbowl, thats what.
Who in the hell cooked up these commercials? Two rejects from American Chopper kissing "on accident" over a Snickers bar? I mean really, fucko (this means you Mr. Alternator inspector), the guy had the candy HANGING OUT OF HIS MOUTH! Unless you're legally blind, the only possible message that can be conveyed by mashing lips with another dude over a big brown log, however sweet, is "I want to put all my junk in your butt, big boy!" Don't insult my fucking intelligence, Snickers, by trying to play it off either. Its plainly obvious you want me to associate Snickers with burly bear buttfucking and big brown logs of love. I can't see how anyone at all can approve of this commercial. If the sexual tension wasn't terrible enough, the fact that the players rip out their chest hair in a macho display afterward just attempts to win back consumers by propsing that gays stay closeted.
So, in under a minute, Snickers has forced America to watch boys kissing, made everyone associate their candy with fucksticks of various varieties as well as burly male dominance AND suggested that gays stay in the closet. Way to alienate absofuckinglutlely everyone.
But that wasn't all, oh no dear friends, for Doritos also paid a hefty retainer to Bravo's best advertizers who rewarded the football-viewing public with a hefty young lady who most clearly has a fetish for Doritos of all varieties. Buy Doritos, fuck fat women who can't resist the urges of junk food. Great message guys, really! I'll never look at chubby girls eating Doritos the same way. I'll always be wondering if I've got a chance with em. (On a side note, is it wrong to tell a fat girl she gave you a "chubby"?)
Who needs roofies? Just find a girl with BMI over 25 and a snack pack and you're good to go. Doritos not only put disgusting imagery (and not because she's fat, but because she fucked a guy behind a grocery mart cash register!! Have you ever worked in a grocery store? They are fucking FILTHY!) in the mind of the general public but set the fat movement back by at least 15 years.
Of course, with so much on the line and two all time greats already on-air, the Bravo Group clearly thought the trifecta was in play so Chevy, God save their souls, came through with the sort of success we're accustomed to seeing from America's automakers and gave us 3500 nasty men gyrating all over the glass of the new Checy truck. At least I think it was a truck. I was too busy recoiling in horror from the thousands of pounds of speedoed man-ass that was plastered all over my screen. What the fuck were you thinking , Chevy?
In closing, I just want to ask Liberace and Elton John, or whoever else was resposible for this debacle, what exactly they were trying to sell and who the fuck did they think they were selling it to? Any gay men watching were deep into the Zima by the 1st quarter and the girls were too busy talking about how swimmers are cuter than footballers by the time your crap aired, so basically all you did was convince an entire nation to AVOID your products at all costs. I mean, if the commercials in the superbowl were any indication, the gay is highly contagious. The kind of people that pay close enough attention to football to buy what it advertizes are terrified, MORTIFIED of gay and avoid it at all costs. They will do whatever it takes to avoid catching gay and you have shown yourselves to be the Typhoid Larry of the next gay epidemic. Way to go, you bunch of ass-slapping nancyboy fuckups.
Dishonorable mention goes to General Motors and their suicidal robot commercial. GM has lost billions of dollars and thousands of american jobs and their situation is aparrently so terrible that even the robots could be laid off any day. Way to make me feel good about your products GM. Is my 10 year warranty still valid when Subaru buys you?
Add it all to the fact that Peyton Manning won and the media will fellate him non stop for the next year and this turns out to be the gayest Superbowl ever.