bipolar poetry
I havent been quite right
Not by most people's standards
Not for a while
:.Chemically Imbalanced.:
loose cannon
loner
Coined by the people who knew me best
The truth is though, Im getting better
Depending on how you define 'better'
Gotta use the term loosely in my case
Better being over an 18 year time frame
I can trace back the roots of my personality
When I was young, I was energetic
I was alive and happy
I smiled and laughed and played
And to me
There was nothing in this world more satisfying
Than making someone laugh
I had the gentle soul of an artist
Of a healer
I was born with the beauty of the earth in my heart
But the ugly of this world was forced in as well
If I could place a crown of shame upon the head
of the person who showed me it first
it would be my own father
Daddy never wanted a little boy
He wanted a little grown man
A little soldier
Daddy didnt play with me
Daddy liked to yell every day
And hit when the mood struck
He was never there when I did good
But whenever I did wrong he was right there for me
To remind me how badly i failed
To rub my nose in shit
He was always there for me
To never let me forget my mistakes
To tell me how ashamed he was of me
He was always there to steal my childhood
I was too small
Too weak to defend myself
Tossed into the drooling canine jaws
Of the man who was supposed to care for me
Devoured by a savage animal
Some would say the years of abuse warped me
Myself included in that minority
I learned hate before love
And I learned violence.
My artistic soul was stolen away from me
Beaten down
Ridiculed
Tormented and harassed
Torn apart and ultimately destroyed
Leaving nothing in it's place
A gaping void of missing emotions
Like puzzle pieces that wont fit
A lack of conscience
Dont know guilt
Dont feel mercy
The gift of a dead heart
Apathy, and sadism
A whole lot of the latter
A damaged child left alone
To sort out the broken pieces of his soul
Sometimes I feel like my father ruined me
And I could kill him for that
But other times i wonder
If his forcing me to grow up far before my time
helped me in the end
If it saved me from myself
I think about what i may be now if he wasnt there
And cringe at the thought
I hated my father for many years
I guess I still do in a way
But he is my creator, he sculpted me
Mother made my body and he made my mind
And he made it lethal
I can say with no great pride I am a rare creature
For that I owe him a great debt
Which will be repayed by my never seeking vengeance
for all the things he did
The years rolled on by
I got older
I got bigger
Slowly that soul started to come back
Filling in the voids
I learned I wasnt a sociopath
That I could care and feel
But still I maintain the 'gifts' i was given
The good is in me again
Balancing me
Rounding me
But sometimes
It feels like theres a war going on in my head
It feels like I will never know peace
Always the classic battle of good versus evil
Fighting between the person I am and the person I should have been
Somedays I want the good to win over me
Somedays the bad reigns supreme
But in truth I want neither to win
I wish to stay the way I am
I can be so gentle, i can comfort and heal i know this without doubt
So can I hurt, and cause harm and destroy lives and relish every moment of it
The same hand that cradles my loved ones can take the lives of yours
I have a rare and complicated soul
Guardian and Destroyer
Hand of flesh and hand of ice
A jumbled mix of good and evil
And the ability and desire to do both
With just a dash of reckless behavior
I extend my umbrella of protection over those I care for
When you're under it I'll hold you tight with my warmth
But if you trespass against it
You will feel the painful broken shards
Taken from a heart of ice
Not by most people's standards
Not for a while
:.Chemically Imbalanced.:
loose cannon
loner
Coined by the people who knew me best
The truth is though, Im getting better
Depending on how you define 'better'
Gotta use the term loosely in my case
Better being over an 18 year time frame
I can trace back the roots of my personality
When I was young, I was energetic
I was alive and happy
I smiled and laughed and played
And to me
There was nothing in this world more satisfying
Than making someone laugh
I had the gentle soul of an artist
Of a healer
I was born with the beauty of the earth in my heart
But the ugly of this world was forced in as well
If I could place a crown of shame upon the head
of the person who showed me it first
it would be my own father
Daddy never wanted a little boy
He wanted a little grown man
A little soldier
Daddy didnt play with me
Daddy liked to yell every day
And hit when the mood struck
He was never there when I did good
But whenever I did wrong he was right there for me
To remind me how badly i failed
To rub my nose in shit
He was always there for me
To never let me forget my mistakes
To tell me how ashamed he was of me
He was always there to steal my childhood
I was too small
Too weak to defend myself
Tossed into the drooling canine jaws
Of the man who was supposed to care for me
Devoured by a savage animal
Some would say the years of abuse warped me
Myself included in that minority
I learned hate before love
And I learned violence.
My artistic soul was stolen away from me
Beaten down
Ridiculed
Tormented and harassed
Torn apart and ultimately destroyed
Leaving nothing in it's place
A gaping void of missing emotions
Like puzzle pieces that wont fit
A lack of conscience
Dont know guilt
Dont feel mercy
The gift of a dead heart
Apathy, and sadism
A whole lot of the latter
A damaged child left alone
To sort out the broken pieces of his soul
Sometimes I feel like my father ruined me
And I could kill him for that
But other times i wonder
If his forcing me to grow up far before my time
helped me in the end
If it saved me from myself
I think about what i may be now if he wasnt there
And cringe at the thought
I hated my father for many years
I guess I still do in a way
But he is my creator, he sculpted me
Mother made my body and he made my mind
And he made it lethal
I can say with no great pride I am a rare creature
For that I owe him a great debt
Which will be repayed by my never seeking vengeance
for all the things he did
The years rolled on by
I got older
I got bigger
Slowly that soul started to come back
Filling in the voids
I learned I wasnt a sociopath
That I could care and feel
But still I maintain the 'gifts' i was given
The good is in me again
Balancing me
Rounding me
But sometimes
It feels like theres a war going on in my head
It feels like I will never know peace
Always the classic battle of good versus evil
Fighting between the person I am and the person I should have been
Somedays I want the good to win over me
Somedays the bad reigns supreme
But in truth I want neither to win
I wish to stay the way I am
I can be so gentle, i can comfort and heal i know this without doubt
So can I hurt, and cause harm and destroy lives and relish every moment of it
The same hand that cradles my loved ones can take the lives of yours
I have a rare and complicated soul
Guardian and Destroyer
Hand of flesh and hand of ice
A jumbled mix of good and evil
And the ability and desire to do both
With just a dash of reckless behavior
I extend my umbrella of protection over those I care for
When you're under it I'll hold you tight with my warmth
But if you trespass against it
You will feel the painful broken shards
Taken from a heart of ice