Love will Tear us Apart Again
So often it is said that there is The One and that The One is worth waiting for. However it is my experience that it is actually The Third that survives and is in for the long haul…
The First is that first Love, the first long relationship that lasts for reasonable amount of time. It goes one of two ways-
It all works out and folk stay together for life, knowing that they may tip toe through the tulips one minute and wade through shite the next but they have the resilience and the resources to get through Life and all that it brings together. Make no mistake it does happen but it is uncommon. Mates of mine met when they were 16, spent years touring around on a motorbike going to Hawkwind gigs and, thirty plus years later are still very much in love (sometimes hearteningly so, sometimes sickeningly so ;-)).
Or, more likely, it goes totally tits up after several years and leaves both parties scarred and ruined in many ways- rarely physically (though I can think of a few mates that carry actual scars from ex-partners!) but emotionally and, for the first long while, financially.
This ends with them becoming wary and creates defences that limit the search for intimacy. Egos and social front are strengthened to create a myth of being “OK” or “FINE” (shorthand for Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional as all good Aerosmith fans know ;-)) as they wander through life never being certain to open up for fear of being hurt. Often times, after a while, this Number One may actually gain a strong bond of friendship as the Intimacy is there, once the rancour of separation dies away, and the hurt lessens allowing the Self that has been revealed to that former partner to show though as they are likely to be the privileged few to have seen that real side.
Number Two is the rebound, the fall back, the standby or the passing opportunity often connected with out of loneliness or a need for comfort, companionship or social mores/pressure to be in a couple. Often this turns to actual marriage and, in the random sample I can think of mates that married a Number Two, the moniker becomes strangely apt- a festering relationship based on an ill thought out need to be connected with someone, anyone without fully exploring the ramifications or potential consequences. Based on a hurried decision that “this may be as good as it gets and I may never have another chance”.
The greatest danger here is going back to Number One during this time, especially if a Number Two cannot be found easily or readily. Going back to what we know is one of the greatest human frailties- the comfort of the familiar, and better in a foul relationship than no relationship. Again, from a random sample of mates, I can think of a lot of mates that went back to Number One, even if only briefly, and eventually got out as they realised why they had split up with that person the first time round. However in a few rare cases I am prepared to accept that maybe Number One can be The One and that things can work out for them if it allowed as it is often immaturity and uncertainty that caused them to separate in the first place and maybe they were meant to be together and get on with things as a partnership.
However it is Number Three that tends to be the stayer. If a person can actually find Number Three, see previous thoughtfart, then Number Three is the one to last the distance.
This is usually because all the mistakes have been made with others, the individual has matured, it is to be hoped, and learned from their mistakes, developed in their experience and knowledge of self and also gained a measure of reality thus realising that relationships can coast on kind words, soppy looks and romantic presents for a while but eventually the coasting stops and some effort needs to be put into the connection to maintain things and keep them going. Love’ll bring you together but it is hard work that’ll make it last. Number Three will recognise this and therefore an Adult and mature relationship can prevail.
So don’t wait for the One, wait for the Three…