(no subject)
I just got off the phone from a 2 hour great conversation with my mom. I hate that I'm the kid who brags about having the best mom, but seriously, No one's like your own mom, you know what i mean though? We have such a mutual respect for eachother and 99.9% of the time she knows that she doesn't have to bitch at me for anything, because she knows I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. But see that's my dilemma right there.
Taking me to my next point of my reality show of a life.. See, I'm not sure that she should be so sure of that anymore. It's like I've been telling myself until this very moment tonight, that I got everything handled, but in all honesty and me being humble about it, I'm fucked. On the other hand, I'm almost in love with my life right now just because I'm seeing it for what it is: Stevin's Crazy Years. This is me - 19, hair everywhere, with a car that's the biggest mess ever, owing hundreds of dollars on parking tickets on it, walking around the hot city judging everyone as they judge me, smoking pot, tripping on shrooms, and taking random road trips to the shore.. Not to mention Making it on what? like 20 bucks a night? I almost don't respect myself, but it seems I have my own darkside now. Before the mom conversation, Cassie and I had a good talk about everything.. and she brought up how pure I was just last year, and how she had her trip like this two years ago, & went away because she just couldn't deal with everything! But at the time, They were what? 16,17 trying coke & doing extreme dieting. Me- I was worried about junior proms, Skate Sneakers, and my upcoming summer before senior year. I was exactly where Jimmy, Sean, And Kev's minds are now, Being in my own world, & Totally not for it because I knew I was supposed to stay away from that shit, and Just naive and sheltered & just young.. you know? I told Cassie that It hurts so much to look back at the past [me's] for say, & not see one bit of the present me inside them.
I'll admit it right now, I've crossed some lines that maybe I never should have, & I Only say that because I know going back into that old mentality would be impossible. Once you've seen things you just can never go back.
It's exactly like the ol' adam & Eve story.. and the tree of knowledge that they were to not take fruit from because It would make them see themselves. They were living in their own perfect bubble until they took that fruit from the tree. It wasn't until then, that they went insane & realized that they were naked because they seen themselves, something they could never see if they hadn't taken it. The old bible stories used to make it like they snake was lying to them just to disobey God, but really - he wasn't at all. The Fruit had the power that he spoke of, the knowing as much as God, & that's exactly what they got - The Real World, & it skitz them out & they wanted to go back to their paradise, so to speak, but knowledge is irreversible & so is aging.
This is where I'm at.
& as the cursor keeps blinking on that spot up above.
This would be a good Suicide Note.