(no subject)
I smell Pussy.
-Is that you Hines?
DISCLAIMER: Don't ask for the 5 minutes of your life back when your done reading all this. Most of this means nothing.
My mind is a storm.- I have thoughts that I cannot even hang onto more than a day because if i did, i'd crack. All i can do is think, think, think and I don't even think half of anything makes sense. I wish i could hear myself sometimes. You'll see - I won't even be the same person by the time I'm done writing this.
I wrote this in the middle of my English Class lecture: Am I made out to be an intelectual? It's true. You'll never catch me at a party anymore talking about something that matters. I'd rather talk about something brainless, like calling people out on being 'them kids.', which I've totally stopped doing lately. One weekend, it got so bad, i almost went crazy.
So the partying is fun. I gotta admit - I love it. But I'm not sure I really get anything out of it. It's like 2 weekends ago, I got drunk/high six days straight. I don't remember anything! I just know it was fun! but it's only good for that moment. I don't take anything home with me anymore. That's what I'm having trouble accepting about myself. I have become the kid who can do anything cold hearted and be fine with it. No one can get to me besides myself and that's not right. I'm not okay with being that asshole kid that people care what I say. To me, I feel like i shouldnt be anyone. Nothing I say should matter. Who the fuck am i? you know?
The last 2 days, it snowed. I stayed in my bed for about 40 of the 48 hours. I'm just not right with myself. I'm empty and alone, but I'm adjusting, i guess. That lj entry was horrible of me to even write and because of the outcome: me being on a fucking soap opera, with everyone putting in their opinions of who they thought it was. This is exactly what i mean about being so alone? Does not one person know what goes on in my mind?
Dezz-you were everything. There's no doubt that we were once in love, and perfect for eachother. You made me feel like someone when you let me make you feel anything. No one will will ever make me feel the way you made me feel, and no one will be able to make you feel what you felt,and say the things i could say. When we split, I couldn't take life without you. From that, I grew away from you and I will never be able to go back. I dont hate you for what you did, but I will never look at you and see what I used to see.
All we will ever have is the days we say fire in eachother's eyes. I'm sorry your expecting a love confession because All those other nights were me being heartless and leading you on for sex. I was okay with that.
& with all of that said- the only thing i can do now is quote James O'Neil's exactl-last year entry:
"ps- im not afraid to say it anymore - i heart ashley."
HAhaah. I'm sorry i had to.. So I've been reading our last february entrys and their so funny. We sound like idiots. Like Jimmy fighting with his mom in strawbridges about a tight sweater..me being obsessed with everyone of my friends and having crazy weekends over tina tunas frat house...corey actually being in my life & alive for that matter... sean being in a can at every moment... Me and meghan going for 'runs' aka couldn't run because we had to hear everything we were saying to eachother about life after graduation. & Last but certainly not least Kevin Cassidy once being the funniest kid in the universe!
*On another note -I had another one of those dreams.
Maybe the third in my life. They usually come in when I think I'm finally okay with me being where I'm at in life. They're the kind of dreams you have when you wake up and all you want to do is go back in the dream, because it was so good. It's basically a smack in the face for me, leaving me with me waking up and saying "Shit. That's what I want. This isn't where I want to be." So where do I want to be? I want warm weather in february. I want to get out of my black honda s2000 convertible in front of the most happening club in La and have it vallet parked. I want to rub elbows with Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake. I want to be in love again and I want everyone to know my name because of what I do. I won't settle for anything else, especially reality.
Being anything but outrageous, just seems nuts!