Kinda was a little off yesterday...
So it was pay day at Best Buy yesterday, and I felt that it was time to treat myself to something good. Taco Bell used to be one of my four food groups in Maine, and it's been a while since I had Mexican, so it was time to satisfy that craving. So I do the research. There's supposedly this alright Mexican restaurant in Baltimore in an area that I haven't explored too much (bonus +1) and not too far away from my house so I shouldn't get too lost (+2), so hey... a winner there. Friday afternoon dragged and I spent the time being paid to do crosswords and think about the upcoming Mexican feast. Needless to say, I psyched myself up for something grand.
(ooh! foreshadowing!)
Actually, it didn't seem terrible, just not one of those places that I could never feel comfortable in. It was packed, but one of those disgusting little places where all the guys are discretely leaning across the table towards their dates and cooing quietly so as to not disturb the ambiance of the place. In waiting queue and at the bar, all the girls were delicately hanging off of their partners like some vapid, pygmalion trophy. It was a date restaurant in the most horrible sense, and I had a feeling like I was the only single there. So I didn't even bother queuing up for a seat; just turned around mumbling something to myself about not being datable enough to get a decent chimichanga. And that's when it hit me.
I like being single, but... there are some things that I miss. Companionship, mostly; having somebody around who knows all the right buttons to push to get me out of my comfort zone. Maybe feeling like I fit in to those sort of places would be nice. I always remember the physical aspect being good, if only for the fact that I was there... and it has been almost 1000 days...
Maybe it's time to stop trying to convince myself that I'm alone by choice.
Maybe I'm scared that I'm not ready.
Maybe I'm over-analyzing.
But that's neither here nor there. I settled on some Indian food -- still want Mexican, though -- and did the responsible adult thing with my paycheck and signed up for some consumer therapy. Did you notice the picture hanging on the wall behind me in my previous picture? I decorated. Everybody `ooh' and `ahh' now. I skipped the bar last night because I might have been a little too volatile to get in the right drinking mood. I went to bed early to spite those crazy college kids outside my window. I didn't get to sleep until 4 and then woke up at 7 to get ready for work. I wrote a LJ entry saying I'm tired of things, but nothing ever changes. I go to sleep again, and hope things may be better in the morning.
(ooh! foreshadowing!)
Actually, it didn't seem terrible, just not one of those places that I could never feel comfortable in. It was packed, but one of those disgusting little places where all the guys are discretely leaning across the table towards their dates and cooing quietly so as to not disturb the ambiance of the place. In waiting queue and at the bar, all the girls were delicately hanging off of their partners like some vapid, pygmalion trophy. It was a date restaurant in the most horrible sense, and I had a feeling like I was the only single there. So I didn't even bother queuing up for a seat; just turned around mumbling something to myself about not being datable enough to get a decent chimichanga. And that's when it hit me.
I like being single, but... there are some things that I miss. Companionship, mostly; having somebody around who knows all the right buttons to push to get me out of my comfort zone. Maybe feeling like I fit in to those sort of places would be nice. I always remember the physical aspect being good, if only for the fact that I was there... and it has been almost 1000 days...
Maybe it's time to stop trying to convince myself that I'm alone by choice.
Maybe I'm scared that I'm not ready.
Maybe I'm over-analyzing.
But that's neither here nor there. I settled on some Indian food -- still want Mexican, though -- and did the responsible adult thing with my paycheck and signed up for some consumer therapy. Did you notice the picture hanging on the wall behind me in my previous picture? I decorated. Everybody `ooh' and `ahh' now. I skipped the bar last night because I might have been a little too volatile to get in the right drinking mood. I went to bed early to spite those crazy college kids outside my window. I didn't get to sleep until 4 and then woke up at 7 to get ready for work. I wrote a LJ entry saying I'm tired of things, but nothing ever changes. I go to sleep again, and hope things may be better in the morning.