Old stories never die, they just keep getting reposted
Due to a butterfly flapping its wings in China, Obesius returns again!
Obesius was the Greek god of fast food. He was the son of Mashbovinius, the god of ground beef, and Slycibrad, the goddess of buns. He was hated by all the other gods because he was large and unsightly, which is just a euphemism for ugly. His parents began to lose worshippers because of Obesius, and so sent him to the unexplored lands of Ahmerikah. The natives scorned him, and he fell asleep in a cave after eating most of the buffalo. Then, people from many nations traveled to this foreign land, awakening the giant god.
He began his reign with a man known as McDonnalidia. He later became well known for owning a farm and singing random vowels in his old age. Obesius came to him in a vision, and told him the secret of his great size. He taught McDonnalidia to take ground beef from the temple of his father, shape it into cylinders, grill them with an immense amount of fat, then place them on cheap, paper-thin buns. These greasy foods would be called hamburgers, and would be sold in dirty establishments. Obesius told McDonnalidia to not care about quality or improving his product at all; the people would not care about the grease.
McDonnalidia was greatly troubled by this vision, and had many questions. Where would he get the supplies? Why would people actually buy such dirty, greasy food? Why were they called hamburgers if they were made with beef! He wanted to ask an oracle of Apollo, but Madame Cleo charged way too much. Nonetheless, McDonnalidia was afraid of the great size of Obesius, and did what he said.
Time passed on, and McDonnalidia finally finished the first establishment. It was to be called McDonnalidia' s, but money was tight and the painter charged by the letter. Thus, the first McDonald's opened in the land of Ahmerikah. The people flocked to this new place to eat. The hamburgers were quickly eaten, so McDonnalidia was taught how to create the "ham" burgers hours before they would be eaten. When it came time to hire workers, McDonnalidia hired the least qualified of people so that no one would realize how big of a scam it was. Obesius was pleased by these worshippers, and so taught McDonnalidia how to make the fries of Frannches, the god of grease.
The people continued to eat at McDonald's, and no one noticed how fat the people of Ahmerikah were becoming. The first one to notice was the worker at the chariot-thru window, who said to him while switching orders, "Man, people are really fat! " McDonnalidia, realizing the dangers of high cholesterol, confronted Obesius. They had a long business discussion, which is a euphemism for argument. In the end, Obesius lost all his stock options and Obesius had a son jump out of his gut. He didn't bother to name his son, simply titling him the King of Burgers.
He gave his son the gift of the Whopperinian, which were 2 "ham" burgers stacked on top of each other, buns and all. The King of Burgers, more commonly known as the Burger King, wondered if anything so obvious could be sold. Alas, the Ahmerikans bought like there was no tomorrow, and Obesius was pleased. McDonnalidia, noticing the danger of competition in a capitalistic society, agreed to rejoin Obesius. Over time, Obesius had many more children, including Wendia, the great Bell of Tacos, and many smaller, more regional gods. Ahmerikah, it seemed, was doomed to high cholesterol and obesity.
This is where the other gods are supposed to intervene, creating a great war with many heroes and prophets. Alas, I could not go over the word limit. Thus Ahmerikah is left fat.
This is not a bit satirical. NOT AT ALL!
Obesius was the Greek god of fast food. He was the son of Mashbovinius, the god of ground beef, and Slycibrad, the goddess of buns. He was hated by all the other gods because he was large and unsightly, which is just a euphemism for ugly. His parents began to lose worshippers because of Obesius, and so sent him to the unexplored lands of Ahmerikah. The natives scorned him, and he fell asleep in a cave after eating most of the buffalo. Then, people from many nations traveled to this foreign land, awakening the giant god.
He began his reign with a man known as McDonnalidia. He later became well known for owning a farm and singing random vowels in his old age. Obesius came to him in a vision, and told him the secret of his great size. He taught McDonnalidia to take ground beef from the temple of his father, shape it into cylinders, grill them with an immense amount of fat, then place them on cheap, paper-thin buns. These greasy foods would be called hamburgers, and would be sold in dirty establishments. Obesius told McDonnalidia to not care about quality or improving his product at all; the people would not care about the grease.
McDonnalidia was greatly troubled by this vision, and had many questions. Where would he get the supplies? Why would people actually buy such dirty, greasy food? Why were they called hamburgers if they were made with beef! He wanted to ask an oracle of Apollo, but Madame Cleo charged way too much. Nonetheless, McDonnalidia was afraid of the great size of Obesius, and did what he said.
Time passed on, and McDonnalidia finally finished the first establishment. It was to be called McDonnalidia' s, but money was tight and the painter charged by the letter. Thus, the first McDonald's opened in the land of Ahmerikah. The people flocked to this new place to eat. The hamburgers were quickly eaten, so McDonnalidia was taught how to create the "ham" burgers hours before they would be eaten. When it came time to hire workers, McDonnalidia hired the least qualified of people so that no one would realize how big of a scam it was. Obesius was pleased by these worshippers, and so taught McDonnalidia how to make the fries of Frannches, the god of grease.
The people continued to eat at McDonald's, and no one noticed how fat the people of Ahmerikah were becoming. The first one to notice was the worker at the chariot-thru window, who said to him while switching orders, "Man, people are really fat! " McDonnalidia, realizing the dangers of high cholesterol, confronted Obesius. They had a long business discussion, which is a euphemism for argument. In the end, Obesius lost all his stock options and Obesius had a son jump out of his gut. He didn't bother to name his son, simply titling him the King of Burgers.
He gave his son the gift of the Whopperinian, which were 2 "ham" burgers stacked on top of each other, buns and all. The King of Burgers, more commonly known as the Burger King, wondered if anything so obvious could be sold. Alas, the Ahmerikans bought like there was no tomorrow, and Obesius was pleased. McDonnalidia, noticing the danger of competition in a capitalistic society, agreed to rejoin Obesius. Over time, Obesius had many more children, including Wendia, the great Bell of Tacos, and many smaller, more regional gods. Ahmerikah, it seemed, was doomed to high cholesterol and obesity.
This is where the other gods are supposed to intervene, creating a great war with many heroes and prophets. Alas, I could not go over the word limit. Thus Ahmerikah is left fat.
This is not a bit satirical. NOT AT ALL!