That One Great Battle
Today, I will bring to you the tale of one of the bloodiest battles to grace the waters of the Midwest...Yes, I am speaking of that great battle on the River of Foxes many a day ago. That fateful day that would go down in history as that day that some stuff happenned, but since all of the historians were killed in a suicidal charge, I am the only literate person who truly knows what happenned that day. (By the way, the charge of a historians wasn't completely useless. Never underestimate the power of a history textbook thats attempted to be thrown by some eighty year old skinny fuck...OK, underestimate it, but you'll be sorry) So I shall relate to you all what really happenned at badadadadadadadaCrashCrashduhdadihduhdadihduthumpathumpa RAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!
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Sorry bout that, got caught up in my drum solo
Oh yeah, THE SLAUGHTER OF EVERYONE WHO OPPOSED THE STEAMBOAT PIRATES AND THE MERCILESS TICKLING OF THAT 5% OF PEOPLE THAT ALWAYS ANSWER DON'T KNOW ON EVERY SINGLE SURVEY! The events leading to this day were tragic, strange and possibly funny, if you like that sorta thing. It all started at the border beween Yidland and Flemlandia...The pirates were having a grand old time, playing loud music, starting fires, and using combinations of Yiddish Submarines and Flemish Ultra-timepieces to make underwater time bombs...So the villagers were getting pissed at these whippersnappers, so the decide to go do something! Yeah! Hey, isn't this the thing governments for? Dealing with big problems ordinary people can't do on their own! Great Idea! So they went to the Council of Elders to put a stop to this menace. They died of old age, waiting for the Council to decide whether they should have chocolate or glazed donuts at the meetings...But anyway, there was suddenly a worldwide drought. Theories on the cause are varied, but it is known that a dyslexic going by Hewyah was seen flying around the stratosphere with a giant straw. So, obviously, in this time of trouble, the people of the giant plain of the Midwest would all band together to form a coalition to get the world's biggest jar of water-there's something with this flatland that makes people want the best something-You know what I'm talking about, maybe it's genetic...Anyway, they all meet in Minnesota, at that place where the Mississippi starts, and they put a giant bucket that some guy had in his basement there, and it fills up, and its big. So it falls, flooding all of Minnesota...Big loss of some ski lodges and nothing else. Anyway, the Pirates come sailing into the Fox River in a crazy smuggling attempt. Their cargo-Millions of hairless chihuahas
The reason for the cargo-They were gonna say they could be smoked to get some wicked hallucinations, then bolt out before anyone realized they'd been duped. Unfortunately, the dogs actually did cause hallucinations-and nothing is more persistent then someone addicted to Mexican dogs-So the pirates were racing them in, but they couldn't get them in fast enough. Finally, the parents of the coastliners, having to pay billions for food when they're kids suffered from withdrawal, and realizing that they need to protect their kids from all problems and that they would live perfect lives then, declare war on our Honorable Pirates. Well, the pirates decide to try to sneak into the port, but steamboats aren't very sneaky, even with a silencer installed. So by the time they were in the dock, the villagers had all assembled, armed with rakes and fishing lanterns (the store was outta torches and pitchforks, they shoulda bought em when they were on sale) and their leader, a skinny old-ass fuck, said "Well, um, guys, we, uh, were Ach, Cough, Gurgle Death" He didn't really want to say that last part, but that's the natural reaction when a victim is impaled on the malevolent metal manufactered meat picker-upper known as The fork of Stubs! Yes, the blinded amputee was one of the fiercest fighters to ever see the seas, or sea the sees. With his sharpened fork and multi-use Yiddish army knife, he downed many a foe. He'd parry a blade away, then out would shoot a grappling hook through the guys throat, then use a zipwire to get to a foe and beat him with a barometer...And the Captain...I mean, do I really need to go into his amazing skill...Ill just say his blade got many notches that day...But if the Captain put a notch for every foe killed, his blade would be worn away to nothing. I must remark, though, how he led the charge with a valiant yell of his warcry and a flaling of his arms. I can still hear the cries of "Octopus, Octopus" crashing against the sky. I didn't really get...but it messed with our enemies mind. And there was the loveable fatass Anchor, crushing foes with his rolling...Yeah, he died. We didn't like him very much. It is rumored that he was betrayed...Actually it wasn't a rumor, it was fact-He was hanged for stealing enough food to drown a whale. Well, in this battle, many pirates were made, especially when several villagers realized the great morality and value of pirates to society. So, the pirates killed all the pussy baby boomers (not the non-pussy ones, cause there's punks in every generation) and the world was a perfect place. Except for one thing THE PIRATES LEFT THE STOVE ON!!! They returned to find...well, eveything the same. The truth is, if you leave the stove on, the consequence is your gas bill is a bitch. OK? No explosion. THe moral-Obey your inner demon
Until next time-The Jenius, signing out!
...
Sorry bout that, got caught up in my drum solo
Oh yeah, THE SLAUGHTER OF EVERYONE WHO OPPOSED THE STEAMBOAT PIRATES AND THE MERCILESS TICKLING OF THAT 5% OF PEOPLE THAT ALWAYS ANSWER DON'T KNOW ON EVERY SINGLE SURVEY! The events leading to this day were tragic, strange and possibly funny, if you like that sorta thing. It all started at the border beween Yidland and Flemlandia...The pirates were having a grand old time, playing loud music, starting fires, and using combinations of Yiddish Submarines and Flemish Ultra-timepieces to make underwater time bombs...So the villagers were getting pissed at these whippersnappers, so the decide to go do something! Yeah! Hey, isn't this the thing governments for? Dealing with big problems ordinary people can't do on their own! Great Idea! So they went to the Council of Elders to put a stop to this menace. They died of old age, waiting for the Council to decide whether they should have chocolate or glazed donuts at the meetings...But anyway, there was suddenly a worldwide drought. Theories on the cause are varied, but it is known that a dyslexic going by Hewyah was seen flying around the stratosphere with a giant straw. So, obviously, in this time of trouble, the people of the giant plain of the Midwest would all band together to form a coalition to get the world's biggest jar of water-there's something with this flatland that makes people want the best something-You know what I'm talking about, maybe it's genetic...Anyway, they all meet in Minnesota, at that place where the Mississippi starts, and they put a giant bucket that some guy had in his basement there, and it fills up, and its big. So it falls, flooding all of Minnesota...Big loss of some ski lodges and nothing else. Anyway, the Pirates come sailing into the Fox River in a crazy smuggling attempt. Their cargo-Millions of hairless chihuahas
The reason for the cargo-They were gonna say they could be smoked to get some wicked hallucinations, then bolt out before anyone realized they'd been duped. Unfortunately, the dogs actually did cause hallucinations-and nothing is more persistent then someone addicted to Mexican dogs-So the pirates were racing them in, but they couldn't get them in fast enough. Finally, the parents of the coastliners, having to pay billions for food when they're kids suffered from withdrawal, and realizing that they need to protect their kids from all problems and that they would live perfect lives then, declare war on our Honorable Pirates. Well, the pirates decide to try to sneak into the port, but steamboats aren't very sneaky, even with a silencer installed. So by the time they were in the dock, the villagers had all assembled, armed with rakes and fishing lanterns (the store was outta torches and pitchforks, they shoulda bought em when they were on sale) and their leader, a skinny old-ass fuck, said "Well, um, guys, we, uh, were Ach, Cough, Gurgle Death" He didn't really want to say that last part, but that's the natural reaction when a victim is impaled on the malevolent metal manufactered meat picker-upper known as The fork of Stubs! Yes, the blinded amputee was one of the fiercest fighters to ever see the seas, or sea the sees. With his sharpened fork and multi-use Yiddish army knife, he downed many a foe. He'd parry a blade away, then out would shoot a grappling hook through the guys throat, then use a zipwire to get to a foe and beat him with a barometer...And the Captain...I mean, do I really need to go into his amazing skill...Ill just say his blade got many notches that day...But if the Captain put a notch for every foe killed, his blade would be worn away to nothing. I must remark, though, how he led the charge with a valiant yell of his warcry and a flaling of his arms. I can still hear the cries of "Octopus, Octopus" crashing against the sky. I didn't really get...but it messed with our enemies mind. And there was the loveable fatass Anchor, crushing foes with his rolling...Yeah, he died. We didn't like him very much. It is rumored that he was betrayed...Actually it wasn't a rumor, it was fact-He was hanged for stealing enough food to drown a whale. Well, in this battle, many pirates were made, especially when several villagers realized the great morality and value of pirates to society. So, the pirates killed all the pussy baby boomers (not the non-pussy ones, cause there's punks in every generation) and the world was a perfect place. Except for one thing THE PIRATES LEFT THE STOVE ON!!! They returned to find...well, eveything the same. The truth is, if you leave the stove on, the consequence is your gas bill is a bitch. OK? No explosion. THe moral-Obey your inner demon
Until next time-The Jenius, signing out!