Addressing the Problem at Hand
So, it has come to my attention today that things I have written in this journal have made their way to a person for whose eyes they were never intended, and clearly, this is a problem. I've stated in my user info that what is said here needs to stay here, and I feel offended that anyone would take it upon themselves to betray that trust for any reason. I don't know for sure who this person was, but I'm beginning to be able to guess, and it's safe to say that a friends-list purge will happen soon.
I've spoken and written a lot of angry words in the past week or so, and I'm not going to say that I didn't mean them at the time, but I apologize for letting my emotions bubble over in such inappropriate ways. I have been extremely angry and upset, and have been waiting to talk to a certain person until I can treat the situation in a calmer and more rational manner, and figure out a little more of what was going on. However, now that said person has decided to retaliate to things he wasn't supposed to see to begin with, I'm not sure that I can.
On Friday night, I was tired and burnt out from 3 hours of on-skates flyering at the end of a long and draining week, didn't really want to be at Ulteria anyway, and headed home early to get some sleep instead of initiating a conversation that would have been much too overwhelming to my tired brain. I guess the moment for resolution passed, and what's been done or undone can't be repaired.
I'm wholeheartedly sorry for my words and actions - but not my anger, because I'm sick of apologizing for how I feel, because that's been characteristic of all the pain I've felt for the last couple of months.
And for the person who has been reporting my words here, and the one(s) who have been reading them, I have a few things to show you. If you'd read further, even one page back, you would have seen these.
* May. 1st, 2008 at 1:51 AM
I almost did something really stupid tonight.
I was given a chance - actually several - but I held back.
I'm sick of holding back, after repeatedly promising myself not to (because I've lost so much to holding back before), but this time in the trying of it, I found my reasons not to.
As things transpired over the course of the evening, I realized that I would be doing this for all of the wrong reasons, and only hurting a person who's been hurt more than enough.
Even so, is doing what my entire mortal substance tells me I need to do necessarily the wrong thing? I'd been thinking about this all day - hell, all week - and trying to convince myself that this impulse was not wrong. I've been trying to teach myself to just say "fuck it, you have needs and they are legitimate, go forth and satisfy them without shame," but that's so much more complicated than it sounds. In another situation, it might not have been so wrong, but in this case, it is.
So, back to the drawing board. Back to another week of awkward averted glances and hugs that last a second longer than they should, and a second less than I want them to. There is still the chance that things might go differently, since spring is (supposedly) in the air and is going to induce various kinds of animal lust in various individuals. (Even if it did, I'm pretty sure the decision would still rest on me.)
For now, I'm left to think on how close I came to hurting a good friend.
* May. 12th, 2008 at 1:45 PM
I do not want to regret the things that I said, but there's no way of knowing for another two days.
I fell asleep completely dressed, with my eyes glued shut with liquid eyeliner, and dreamed that he told me that there was no way we could be friends anymore. I know it was a dream, but it felt much, much too real.
I've gained some kind of catharsis and a few hugs, but in all seriousness...
... what have I lost?
...and what have I done?????
* May. 19th, 2008 at 1:34 PM
A friend came over last night to watch a few movies, finish off the whiskey brownies, and keep me company... and what transpired was much-needed. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing, and am wishing I could turn off my brain and make them go away... but nonetheless, I feel healed in some way. I no longer feel like my whole body is about to split apart at the seams unless someone holds it together.
I'm trying not to think about where this *should* go, and just let it go where it will. I hope that's the right thing to do.
Neither of us are perfect, nor are we perfect for each other... but in the final hypothesis, nobody really is. That's why they say love is blind, and perhaps it is for a reason. No matter how imperfect, we all need it.
* May. 29th, 2008 at 1:55 PM
When a guy makes his feelings known through actions, not words, that's a hell of a lot better - whether it's a hand on your shoulder, showing up to your house with DVDs and liquor, trusting you enough to put wheels on his feet when you say "come on, it'll be fun," or trying to shoulder-check you off a bar stool. Relying on verbal communication alone is tough.
* Jun. 9th, 2008 at 1:33 AM
I am still afraid of being demonstrative for fear of sliding down the slippery slope into clingy-ness. I know he likes getting phone calls from me, but I'm still so phone-phobic that it takes me hours to get up the courage.
What AM I afraid of?
Am I afraid that it'll start looking too much like a relationship and he'll want out? Or that I DO want it to look more like a committed and secure thing between two people? Am I terrified that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him?
What I do know is that I hate coming home lonely, stressed, sore and tired, with nobody to talk to or hug or give me a neck massage, passing out on the computer chair with my fishnets and sweaty clothes still on, crawling off to bed still dressed and waking up alone (and covered in fishnet indentations). I also know that I care about this person a lot - which is WHY I hold back. I don't want to be needy because there's nothing that drives a guy away quite like neediness. And yet, is this thing we're programmed to call "love" really just a mixture of lust, fear of abandonment, and human need? ...
I feel like I'm drying up and shriveling without affection, and choking on unspoken words. In short, this sucks.
* Jun. 13th, 2008 at 1:58 AM
A few days ago, I determined that I was most afraid that he didn't love me like I love him.
Yes, that's right. This has ventured out of the nice safe domains of "like" and "lust" where I meant to keep it - I didn't mean to, it happened so fast.
Now I realize that the real fear is that he might not LET me love him.
This is a person who I care deeply about and want to be happy - and someone who I increasingly see building walls to keep from being hurt. I can see that the current job issue is bothering him much, much more than he lets on. I can't be there in person nearly as much as I want to, and even then I don't know if it does any good. I want to offer some kind of comfort - and it is hard to call this desire unselfish at a time when I wish I had some comfort myself. ... How can one be a catalyst for healing when barely functional herself?
...
It's not selfish to tell someone you love them. It IS selfish to tell them or even imply how much it hurts you, when there's really nothing they can do. The last person who I bared my soul to like that felt nothing but guilt and frustration, because he felt he was hurting me himself and didn't know how to fix it. Admittedly, this is a different situation even though there are some parallels.
It reminds me how steadfastly I refused to cry in front of him when he picked me up on the side of the road after my accident, drove me to his place and to get my keys, then home. I held myself together and didn't fall apart until I was safely by myself. A bruised sternum and an aching heart are two totally different kinds of pain, and with either I feel I should keep the floodgates closed. Otherwise, I somehow obligate him to act.
The only way to give of oneself this much without becoming completely empty is to have something filling you back up. Mutual caring? Gratitude? Is it selfish to ask for something as small as acknowledgement, with the full knowledge that he may be humoring you because you're a friend, female, and in pretty close proximity to his bed?
* Jun. 14th, 2008 at 8:00 PM
I'm losing everything that matters in my life.
...
I'm going to lose the person who matters most to me, I just know it. Of course, you can't lose something you never had in the first place.
I was supposed to have Tuesday off and spend it with him, but my work schedule got changed. I might call Westport and see if I can go in on Sunday instead of Monday, but don't know if that'll work. And I don't know what good it'll do when I'm a mess like this.
* Jun. 19th, 2008 at 8:32 PM
I have been wondering lately which is sadder: realizing the person you love doesn't love you because they love somebody else, or realizing that person doesn't love you because they refuse to love anyone.
My current situation has ended in the latter, so now I know which is worse. It's what I feared would happen, and it's been confirmed to be true.
If there was someone else, I could at least wish him happiness and then go drink my jealousy away with a few girlfriends. However, I instead find myself overwhelmed with pity, and concern for the welfare of someone who has been hurt so many times that they've closed the doors. The last friend I saw this happen in managed to close himself off so completely (with the encouragement of others) that he became a cold, inhuman sociopath - and I don't want to see another good person go down that road. Granted, I myself have been hurt before, but I've tried my damndest to let myself love again - and this is what it gets me.
* Jun. 20th, 2008 at 3:34 PM
This whole thing is getting to me so much more than it should.
I wake up depressed every day and take an hour to get out of bed. All of my limbs feel heavy and it almost hurts to move or breathe. It takes twice as long as usual to do anything. I'm rarely hungry and only eat because I know I'll be even worse off if I don't. The past two days I've left work early because I couldn't handle it. Today I left after 2 1/2 hours of what should have been a five hour shift because I couldn't keep myself from crying - and sat in the car for a while with mascara streaking down my face before I could drive off to do the last pre-trip errands.
I am afraid that if I talk to him, all of this will just come pouring out, and drive him even further away.
I think the part that hurts me the most is that I thought I could have found something real. There was possibility that there isn't anymore, now that I know the truth. As much as I don't want to admit it, I had fantasies that this really could be love, and mutual love at that. Now the reality comes crashing down that it isn't and will probably never be. I was just starting to believe again - and now I learn there was no point in re-learning to care and trust.
I'm afraid that if that "L" word comes between my lips, that I'll never be able to look at him again. Once that happens, it's all over and I might as well be dead. I can't live with giving him that guilt - it would be the most horrible, hurtful thing that I could do. I know that under that cynical exterior is a kind and compassionate person - and I couldn't live with the guilt of blaming my own imbalanced chemicals on him. Confessing love to a guy means (at least in the male mind) that you expect him to do something about it. Showing him that you're hurting, and that he's somehow responsible, is like screaming and crying at him for accidentally stepping on your foot, when you've actually stubbed your own foot on something because he bumped into you. I haven't felt this horrible about a similar situation in about 4 years - and this time I don't want to make the same mistakes I did then.
With the knowledge that love is impossible, life is nothing but pain. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart, and most friends I can't talk to about it, because they've known him longer than they've known me and I don't want them to be upset with him over something that's going on with me. It's not his fault - all he did was be in the right place to instigate something that's been carried so far out of proportion by my own brain and imbalanced chemical makeup. And of course, he can't know - so I have to suffer through this alone.
And it sinks in that I have to go back to the drawing board if I ever want to have real love in my life... I'm not talking about "true love" and I'm not talking about finding "the one" - just love, for whatever it's worth, without guilt or pain. Or maybe that I have to rebuild my own walls again, since there's no point in letting them down.
* Jun. 23rd, 2008 at 8:29 PM
I have decided that I need to stop taking this ... thing so damned seriously. That was one of the mistakes I made the last time I fell for somebody.
This time, it's going to be different, and here's how:
1) I am DONE with letting this occupy my mind all the fucking time. The depression basically comes down to the fact that I'm stressed out, too busy, tired, sexually/romantically frustrated, and want some companionship. These DO NOT all have to be pinned on him. Being with him is not going to fix any of these problems, except maybe the sexual frustration. I can have companionship with other friends, and the other stuff I can take care of myself. Hell, even the sexual frustration I can do something about myself.
2) Whatever happens is going to happen on my terms. Ironically, this wasn't exactly my decision. After some consideration I've determined that what this person is looking for in a woman is dominance in the bedroom, minimal long-term commitment, and not being domineering or controlling outside the bedroom - and not the kind of bitch who will just use someone and leave (apparently has a history with this type of woman). And probably someone who can help him relax, even though he probably doesn't know he needs this (I may be spot-on with the massage idea).
3) If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. It's not the end of the world.
4) Pay more attention to what he does than what he says. If he says he's not turned on, but then kisses you like someone who IS, then what does THAT tell ya?
5) Be patient. When someone is already going through some tough shit, people not being willing to understand can only make it worse.
6) Nagging him "about us" or "what we are" or "what he wants us to be" is probably the WORST thing I can do right now. There is no "us" - there are two humans with separate lives, problems, perspectives, and schedules, who have chosen to relate to each other in a certain way. Definitions are not necessary. Even if I'm totally stuck on him, I'm NOT going to refer to him as attached to me in any way, shape, or form. Even if we did get together, it's disrespectful to refer to someone who chooses independence as "the boy," "my boyfriend," or "my man." He's 8 years older and his own person. True chemistry doesn't need a label on it, especially not a possessive one. Possessive women scare me, for they become Bridezillas.
7) In the final hypothesis, it might be that what he really needs is the support of a friend - not a lover. If he rejects me as the latter without explanation, it probably isn't anything against me as a person, but the situation that's the problem. I want to make things better, not worse, and that may mean having to give up on what I want at this particular time and satisfy my emotional needs elsewhere.
(ED: Needless to say, I had a really hard time keeping this. It really just meant "bottle things up and act like nothing's different.")
* Jun. 29th, 2008 at 5:53 PM
There is nothing more beautiful than listening to and watching somebody talk about the things they are passionate about. It comes across in their voice, their eyes, and their entire presence is lit up by the inner flame of an open heart. That is when you come to know them like you never did before.
(And did I ever mention what a huge, massive turn-on intellectual curiousity is for me? Because it is.)
There's something building here that's more intricate than romantic love or pure erotic attraction. There's a true intellectual and emotional rapport, and after last night, I dare to say a spiritual one as well. I know him better now than I ever did, and the person that I am getting to know, I am drawn to more and more.
For the sake of definition, he will never be anything more than my "friend." But for the sake of truth, he is everything to me that the word "friend" can possibly encompass and more. And I wouldn't trade that for a conventionally defined "love" affair no matter what.
* Jul. 16th, 2008 at 11:37 PM
Last night a friend's car and apartment were broken into.
They didn't take anything from the apartment, but broke the front door frame by forcing the door.
They took some things from the car, and in the process busted up some of the wiring.
He filed a police report but is sure that they will come back again, since they didn't take anything from the apartment.
I know that he will do the right things - talk to the neighbors, get the locks and the door fixed or do it himself, and find some way to keep safe... but that's not all.
I wish I could have shown up at his door with the ingredients for a good meal, massage oils, and a baseball bat. However, he probably would have sent me home.
So I'm sitting here worrying about him - a good person who has had a whole lot of dumb shit happen to him lately, and deserves some kindness and compassion. All of these stresses are building up, and the way he acts when certain things come up in conversation, the knotted-up muscles in his shoulders, and the foul mood that the smallest setback puts him in are all signs that this is a human being at the breaking point.
How could I not worry, seeing someone I care deeply about going through all this?
American History X was on TV right after I found out what happened, and both sides of the story just made me angrier. I know that the message of the movie is that life is too short to let anger run your life... but damn it, if somebody fucks with the people I love, I want to be able to do something about it. However, right now that means being an understanding voice on the phone instead of guarding his door with a baseball bat and steel-toed boots. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the most difficult.
I don't know if I can sleep until I know he's gotten through this night OK. But then what about the next night? And the night after that? And the ten days I'm away and only reachable by email? What if something else happens? What if they do something - or he does something? My heart breaks when I think of him trying to sleep alone, with some kind of heavy blunt object by the bed, in a place that isn't safe anymore.... but it's better than nobody being there.
I know on some level that all this worrying will consume me alive... I just wish there was something more I could do.
* Jul. 19th, 2008 at 7:10 PM
I am going to have access to high speed internet, but not my phone (because it doesn't work in Europe), just in case anyone wants to get hold of me - though I doubt any of you are really that bored. Going to at least try and update LJ a few times from there.
There's one person in particular that I'm going to miss - and I hope that he'll miss me too, instead of forgetting I was ever here. I am sure he won't dwell on the fact that I'm not here, since he doesn't openly dwell on that stuff... but damn it, I want to come back and still have the good thing I have now.
If I tell him I'm afraid of this slipping through my fingers, will it be more likely to? I don't know.
* Jul. 24th, 2008 at 5:19 PM
The worst part of being away from home is being worried about people and not being able to do anything about it. I can't call long distance or offer to be there in person, and it's even kind of weird if I send personal emails because it means I'm spending my vacation time in front of the computer worrying, which looks, I don't know, obsessive?
But obsessive is exactly what this is.
Some objects of my worries will read this (in which case I send you millions of virtual hugs), most will not. One in particular definitely won't, and probably wouldn't even if it was in another forum.
I've sent him a text before I left and two myspace messages since I've been away. No response. Either he's busy and distracted or something's really wrong.
Or he's just decided he's through with me.
I have no way of finding out which one is the case.
Two out of the three possibilities worry me the most, but I can't say which is worse.
So, anyone who's in contact with this person, please just let me know that nothing catastrophic has happened. And, I don't know, just try to be a friend - to anybody you know who is having a hard time or just seems to need one. At least then somebody will be getting what they need.
Shortly after this is when anger started to enter into the picture, but I kept a lid on things for almost a month, which made it so much worse. I didn't want to make a big deal out of things, and I didn't want to be clingy, so I held back until I couldn't hold back anymore. I made up my mind to isolate myself from the situation completely and take no further action, and think or feel nothing more about it.
He never deceived me, not intentionally anyway - the deceptions were all self-inflicted - which I was aware of at the time, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The conversations we had about our differing expectations didn't make it hurt any less. Telling him that his lack of communication was hurtful to me didn't make it hurt any less. Nothing did.
So, I'm done. It's all here, and you can have it. I've spoken my piece and I don't need to say any more.
Be safe, be happy, and above all, be gentle with other people's hearts. Don't let other people be careless with yours, because those are the ones that will only hold you back from happiness. Know yourself and know what you need, and go get it.
I won't tell you not to be angry - to stifle feelings you have or force feelings you don't, because if you do, you too could end up like this. You have every right to be angry, and I'm not setting out to change your mind. If you can't forgive me, then you can't - I'm not asking you to.
I'd like to stress that my anger was at you, not at your girlfriend. She was never supposed to be dragged into this, and if she can make you happy, then she has my respect for being able to do what I couldn't, and I won't interefere.
I loved you, I really did, and on some level I still do feel affectionate towards you, in spite of my own anger, and hope for the best things in the world for you - and if the best thing is to have me not-around (as I suspected it would be, and am certain of now), then so be it.
May the Goddess's love be upon you, even when nobody else's is.
I've spoken and written a lot of angry words in the past week or so, and I'm not going to say that I didn't mean them at the time, but I apologize for letting my emotions bubble over in such inappropriate ways. I have been extremely angry and upset, and have been waiting to talk to a certain person until I can treat the situation in a calmer and more rational manner, and figure out a little more of what was going on. However, now that said person has decided to retaliate to things he wasn't supposed to see to begin with, I'm not sure that I can.
On Friday night, I was tired and burnt out from 3 hours of on-skates flyering at the end of a long and draining week, didn't really want to be at Ulteria anyway, and headed home early to get some sleep instead of initiating a conversation that would have been much too overwhelming to my tired brain. I guess the moment for resolution passed, and what's been done or undone can't be repaired.
I'm wholeheartedly sorry for my words and actions - but not my anger, because I'm sick of apologizing for how I feel, because that's been characteristic of all the pain I've felt for the last couple of months.
And for the person who has been reporting my words here, and the one(s) who have been reading them, I have a few things to show you. If you'd read further, even one page back, you would have seen these.
* May. 1st, 2008 at 1:51 AM
I almost did something really stupid tonight.
I was given a chance - actually several - but I held back.
I'm sick of holding back, after repeatedly promising myself not to (because I've lost so much to holding back before), but this time in the trying of it, I found my reasons not to.
As things transpired over the course of the evening, I realized that I would be doing this for all of the wrong reasons, and only hurting a person who's been hurt more than enough.
Even so, is doing what my entire mortal substance tells me I need to do necessarily the wrong thing? I'd been thinking about this all day - hell, all week - and trying to convince myself that this impulse was not wrong. I've been trying to teach myself to just say "fuck it, you have needs and they are legitimate, go forth and satisfy them without shame," but that's so much more complicated than it sounds. In another situation, it might not have been so wrong, but in this case, it is.
So, back to the drawing board. Back to another week of awkward averted glances and hugs that last a second longer than they should, and a second less than I want them to. There is still the chance that things might go differently, since spring is (supposedly) in the air and is going to induce various kinds of animal lust in various individuals. (Even if it did, I'm pretty sure the decision would still rest on me.)
For now, I'm left to think on how close I came to hurting a good friend.
* May. 12th, 2008 at 1:45 PM
I do not want to regret the things that I said, but there's no way of knowing for another two days.
I fell asleep completely dressed, with my eyes glued shut with liquid eyeliner, and dreamed that he told me that there was no way we could be friends anymore. I know it was a dream, but it felt much, much too real.
I've gained some kind of catharsis and a few hugs, but in all seriousness...
... what have I lost?
...and what have I done?????
* May. 19th, 2008 at 1:34 PM
A friend came over last night to watch a few movies, finish off the whiskey brownies, and keep me company... and what transpired was much-needed. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing, and am wishing I could turn off my brain and make them go away... but nonetheless, I feel healed in some way. I no longer feel like my whole body is about to split apart at the seams unless someone holds it together.
I'm trying not to think about where this *should* go, and just let it go where it will. I hope that's the right thing to do.
Neither of us are perfect, nor are we perfect for each other... but in the final hypothesis, nobody really is. That's why they say love is blind, and perhaps it is for a reason. No matter how imperfect, we all need it.
* May. 29th, 2008 at 1:55 PM
When a guy makes his feelings known through actions, not words, that's a hell of a lot better - whether it's a hand on your shoulder, showing up to your house with DVDs and liquor, trusting you enough to put wheels on his feet when you say "come on, it'll be fun," or trying to shoulder-check you off a bar stool. Relying on verbal communication alone is tough.
* Jun. 9th, 2008 at 1:33 AM
I am still afraid of being demonstrative for fear of sliding down the slippery slope into clingy-ness. I know he likes getting phone calls from me, but I'm still so phone-phobic that it takes me hours to get up the courage.
What AM I afraid of?
Am I afraid that it'll start looking too much like a relationship and he'll want out? Or that I DO want it to look more like a committed and secure thing between two people? Am I terrified that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him?
What I do know is that I hate coming home lonely, stressed, sore and tired, with nobody to talk to or hug or give me a neck massage, passing out on the computer chair with my fishnets and sweaty clothes still on, crawling off to bed still dressed and waking up alone (and covered in fishnet indentations). I also know that I care about this person a lot - which is WHY I hold back. I don't want to be needy because there's nothing that drives a guy away quite like neediness. And yet, is this thing we're programmed to call "love" really just a mixture of lust, fear of abandonment, and human need? ...
I feel like I'm drying up and shriveling without affection, and choking on unspoken words. In short, this sucks.
* Jun. 13th, 2008 at 1:58 AM
A few days ago, I determined that I was most afraid that he didn't love me like I love him.
Yes, that's right. This has ventured out of the nice safe domains of "like" and "lust" where I meant to keep it - I didn't mean to, it happened so fast.
Now I realize that the real fear is that he might not LET me love him.
This is a person who I care deeply about and want to be happy - and someone who I increasingly see building walls to keep from being hurt. I can see that the current job issue is bothering him much, much more than he lets on. I can't be there in person nearly as much as I want to, and even then I don't know if it does any good. I want to offer some kind of comfort - and it is hard to call this desire unselfish at a time when I wish I had some comfort myself. ... How can one be a catalyst for healing when barely functional herself?
...
It's not selfish to tell someone you love them. It IS selfish to tell them or even imply how much it hurts you, when there's really nothing they can do. The last person who I bared my soul to like that felt nothing but guilt and frustration, because he felt he was hurting me himself and didn't know how to fix it. Admittedly, this is a different situation even though there are some parallels.
It reminds me how steadfastly I refused to cry in front of him when he picked me up on the side of the road after my accident, drove me to his place and to get my keys, then home. I held myself together and didn't fall apart until I was safely by myself. A bruised sternum and an aching heart are two totally different kinds of pain, and with either I feel I should keep the floodgates closed. Otherwise, I somehow obligate him to act.
The only way to give of oneself this much without becoming completely empty is to have something filling you back up. Mutual caring? Gratitude? Is it selfish to ask for something as small as acknowledgement, with the full knowledge that he may be humoring you because you're a friend, female, and in pretty close proximity to his bed?
* Jun. 14th, 2008 at 8:00 PM
I'm losing everything that matters in my life.
...
I'm going to lose the person who matters most to me, I just know it. Of course, you can't lose something you never had in the first place.
I was supposed to have Tuesday off and spend it with him, but my work schedule got changed. I might call Westport and see if I can go in on Sunday instead of Monday, but don't know if that'll work. And I don't know what good it'll do when I'm a mess like this.
* Jun. 19th, 2008 at 8:32 PM
I have been wondering lately which is sadder: realizing the person you love doesn't love you because they love somebody else, or realizing that person doesn't love you because they refuse to love anyone.
My current situation has ended in the latter, so now I know which is worse. It's what I feared would happen, and it's been confirmed to be true.
If there was someone else, I could at least wish him happiness and then go drink my jealousy away with a few girlfriends. However, I instead find myself overwhelmed with pity, and concern for the welfare of someone who has been hurt so many times that they've closed the doors. The last friend I saw this happen in managed to close himself off so completely (with the encouragement of others) that he became a cold, inhuman sociopath - and I don't want to see another good person go down that road. Granted, I myself have been hurt before, but I've tried my damndest to let myself love again - and this is what it gets me.
* Jun. 20th, 2008 at 3:34 PM
This whole thing is getting to me so much more than it should.
I wake up depressed every day and take an hour to get out of bed. All of my limbs feel heavy and it almost hurts to move or breathe. It takes twice as long as usual to do anything. I'm rarely hungry and only eat because I know I'll be even worse off if I don't. The past two days I've left work early because I couldn't handle it. Today I left after 2 1/2 hours of what should have been a five hour shift because I couldn't keep myself from crying - and sat in the car for a while with mascara streaking down my face before I could drive off to do the last pre-trip errands.
I am afraid that if I talk to him, all of this will just come pouring out, and drive him even further away.
I think the part that hurts me the most is that I thought I could have found something real. There was possibility that there isn't anymore, now that I know the truth. As much as I don't want to admit it, I had fantasies that this really could be love, and mutual love at that. Now the reality comes crashing down that it isn't and will probably never be. I was just starting to believe again - and now I learn there was no point in re-learning to care and trust.
I'm afraid that if that "L" word comes between my lips, that I'll never be able to look at him again. Once that happens, it's all over and I might as well be dead. I can't live with giving him that guilt - it would be the most horrible, hurtful thing that I could do. I know that under that cynical exterior is a kind and compassionate person - and I couldn't live with the guilt of blaming my own imbalanced chemicals on him. Confessing love to a guy means (at least in the male mind) that you expect him to do something about it. Showing him that you're hurting, and that he's somehow responsible, is like screaming and crying at him for accidentally stepping on your foot, when you've actually stubbed your own foot on something because he bumped into you. I haven't felt this horrible about a similar situation in about 4 years - and this time I don't want to make the same mistakes I did then.
With the knowledge that love is impossible, life is nothing but pain. I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart, and most friends I can't talk to about it, because they've known him longer than they've known me and I don't want them to be upset with him over something that's going on with me. It's not his fault - all he did was be in the right place to instigate something that's been carried so far out of proportion by my own brain and imbalanced chemical makeup. And of course, he can't know - so I have to suffer through this alone.
And it sinks in that I have to go back to the drawing board if I ever want to have real love in my life... I'm not talking about "true love" and I'm not talking about finding "the one" - just love, for whatever it's worth, without guilt or pain. Or maybe that I have to rebuild my own walls again, since there's no point in letting them down.
* Jun. 23rd, 2008 at 8:29 PM
I have decided that I need to stop taking this ... thing so damned seriously. That was one of the mistakes I made the last time I fell for somebody.
This time, it's going to be different, and here's how:
1) I am DONE with letting this occupy my mind all the fucking time. The depression basically comes down to the fact that I'm stressed out, too busy, tired, sexually/romantically frustrated, and want some companionship. These DO NOT all have to be pinned on him. Being with him is not going to fix any of these problems, except maybe the sexual frustration. I can have companionship with other friends, and the other stuff I can take care of myself. Hell, even the sexual frustration I can do something about myself.
2) Whatever happens is going to happen on my terms. Ironically, this wasn't exactly my decision. After some consideration I've determined that what this person is looking for in a woman is dominance in the bedroom, minimal long-term commitment, and not being domineering or controlling outside the bedroom - and not the kind of bitch who will just use someone and leave (apparently has a history with this type of woman). And probably someone who can help him relax, even though he probably doesn't know he needs this (I may be spot-on with the massage idea).
3) If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. It's not the end of the world.
4) Pay more attention to what he does than what he says. If he says he's not turned on, but then kisses you like someone who IS, then what does THAT tell ya?
5) Be patient. When someone is already going through some tough shit, people not being willing to understand can only make it worse.
6) Nagging him "about us" or "what we are" or "what he wants us to be" is probably the WORST thing I can do right now. There is no "us" - there are two humans with separate lives, problems, perspectives, and schedules, who have chosen to relate to each other in a certain way. Definitions are not necessary. Even if I'm totally stuck on him, I'm NOT going to refer to him as attached to me in any way, shape, or form. Even if we did get together, it's disrespectful to refer to someone who chooses independence as "the boy," "my boyfriend," or "my man." He's 8 years older and his own person. True chemistry doesn't need a label on it, especially not a possessive one. Possessive women scare me, for they become Bridezillas.
7) In the final hypothesis, it might be that what he really needs is the support of a friend - not a lover. If he rejects me as the latter without explanation, it probably isn't anything against me as a person, but the situation that's the problem. I want to make things better, not worse, and that may mean having to give up on what I want at this particular time and satisfy my emotional needs elsewhere.
(ED: Needless to say, I had a really hard time keeping this. It really just meant "bottle things up and act like nothing's different.")
* Jun. 29th, 2008 at 5:53 PM
There is nothing more beautiful than listening to and watching somebody talk about the things they are passionate about. It comes across in their voice, their eyes, and their entire presence is lit up by the inner flame of an open heart. That is when you come to know them like you never did before.
(And did I ever mention what a huge, massive turn-on intellectual curiousity is for me? Because it is.)
There's something building here that's more intricate than romantic love or pure erotic attraction. There's a true intellectual and emotional rapport, and after last night, I dare to say a spiritual one as well. I know him better now than I ever did, and the person that I am getting to know, I am drawn to more and more.
For the sake of definition, he will never be anything more than my "friend." But for the sake of truth, he is everything to me that the word "friend" can possibly encompass and more. And I wouldn't trade that for a conventionally defined "love" affair no matter what.
* Jul. 16th, 2008 at 11:37 PM
Last night a friend's car and apartment were broken into.
They didn't take anything from the apartment, but broke the front door frame by forcing the door.
They took some things from the car, and in the process busted up some of the wiring.
He filed a police report but is sure that they will come back again, since they didn't take anything from the apartment.
I know that he will do the right things - talk to the neighbors, get the locks and the door fixed or do it himself, and find some way to keep safe... but that's not all.
I wish I could have shown up at his door with the ingredients for a good meal, massage oils, and a baseball bat. However, he probably would have sent me home.
So I'm sitting here worrying about him - a good person who has had a whole lot of dumb shit happen to him lately, and deserves some kindness and compassion. All of these stresses are building up, and the way he acts when certain things come up in conversation, the knotted-up muscles in his shoulders, and the foul mood that the smallest setback puts him in are all signs that this is a human being at the breaking point.
How could I not worry, seeing someone I care deeply about going through all this?
American History X was on TV right after I found out what happened, and both sides of the story just made me angrier. I know that the message of the movie is that life is too short to let anger run your life... but damn it, if somebody fucks with the people I love, I want to be able to do something about it. However, right now that means being an understanding voice on the phone instead of guarding his door with a baseball bat and steel-toed boots. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the most difficult.
I don't know if I can sleep until I know he's gotten through this night OK. But then what about the next night? And the night after that? And the ten days I'm away and only reachable by email? What if something else happens? What if they do something - or he does something? My heart breaks when I think of him trying to sleep alone, with some kind of heavy blunt object by the bed, in a place that isn't safe anymore.... but it's better than nobody being there.
I know on some level that all this worrying will consume me alive... I just wish there was something more I could do.
* Jul. 19th, 2008 at 7:10 PM
I am going to have access to high speed internet, but not my phone (because it doesn't work in Europe), just in case anyone wants to get hold of me - though I doubt any of you are really that bored. Going to at least try and update LJ a few times from there.
There's one person in particular that I'm going to miss - and I hope that he'll miss me too, instead of forgetting I was ever here. I am sure he won't dwell on the fact that I'm not here, since he doesn't openly dwell on that stuff... but damn it, I want to come back and still have the good thing I have now.
If I tell him I'm afraid of this slipping through my fingers, will it be more likely to? I don't know.
* Jul. 24th, 2008 at 5:19 PM
The worst part of being away from home is being worried about people and not being able to do anything about it. I can't call long distance or offer to be there in person, and it's even kind of weird if I send personal emails because it means I'm spending my vacation time in front of the computer worrying, which looks, I don't know, obsessive?
But obsessive is exactly what this is.
Some objects of my worries will read this (in which case I send you millions of virtual hugs), most will not. One in particular definitely won't, and probably wouldn't even if it was in another forum.
I've sent him a text before I left and two myspace messages since I've been away. No response. Either he's busy and distracted or something's really wrong.
Or he's just decided he's through with me.
I have no way of finding out which one is the case.
Two out of the three possibilities worry me the most, but I can't say which is worse.
So, anyone who's in contact with this person, please just let me know that nothing catastrophic has happened. And, I don't know, just try to be a friend - to anybody you know who is having a hard time or just seems to need one. At least then somebody will be getting what they need.
Shortly after this is when anger started to enter into the picture, but I kept a lid on things for almost a month, which made it so much worse. I didn't want to make a big deal out of things, and I didn't want to be clingy, so I held back until I couldn't hold back anymore. I made up my mind to isolate myself from the situation completely and take no further action, and think or feel nothing more about it.
He never deceived me, not intentionally anyway - the deceptions were all self-inflicted - which I was aware of at the time, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The conversations we had about our differing expectations didn't make it hurt any less. Telling him that his lack of communication was hurtful to me didn't make it hurt any less. Nothing did.
So, I'm done. It's all here, and you can have it. I've spoken my piece and I don't need to say any more.
Be safe, be happy, and above all, be gentle with other people's hearts. Don't let other people be careless with yours, because those are the ones that will only hold you back from happiness. Know yourself and know what you need, and go get it.
I won't tell you not to be angry - to stifle feelings you have or force feelings you don't, because if you do, you too could end up like this. You have every right to be angry, and I'm not setting out to change your mind. If you can't forgive me, then you can't - I'm not asking you to.
I'd like to stress that my anger was at you, not at your girlfriend. She was never supposed to be dragged into this, and if she can make you happy, then she has my respect for being able to do what I couldn't, and I won't interefere.
I loved you, I really did, and on some level I still do feel affectionate towards you, in spite of my own anger, and hope for the best things in the world for you - and if the best thing is to have me not-around (as I suspected it would be, and am certain of now), then so be it.
May the Goddess's love be upon you, even when nobody else's is.