(no subject)

Sep 27, 2005 03:01



I can't stand it when I can't sleep. Only thing that keeps me sane is inducing a dream state on myself. Fantasizing about driving Iowan streets, doing as I pleased, disappearing without a trace or some combination. I'd wait until everyone had left for the day and take all of my belongings and leave my dismantled cell phone on the desk with a note:

Keep it or trash it. I don't want it.

I don't understand the vagabond desire everyone has as well as I used to. Everyone wants to escape to the other side of the fence. Searching for gold where the vein's run dry. I moved around back and forth, to and fro since my junior year of high school -- sometime in 2001. Now it's nearing the end 2005 and I'm itching to move again. I know what's waiting for me, too. Nothing more than the same life. Months and months of settling and months is going on a little more than a year now. My room's filled up with junk and the walls are still bare as if my feet are on the starting blocks waiting for the gun.

I thought my relatives would eventually learn how to settle down and relax. I was wrong but it's funny how many plot twists life has. One uncle took off to California, put up the house for sale and he has a wife and two children, he's also practically baby-sitting two in-laws. Another uncle I never thought would settle so soon has bought a house and has a three-day old baby. He used to club every night since I could remember. My mother contemplated running off again, breaking off a three year relationship just as I was moving to Washington, and my father has had some growing pains since the divorce and I've done little-to-nothing to help his situation neither as a fully-capable body, or a son. At least I make the occasional phone call.

There are still rumblings of the divorce. Things weren't divided so evenly and I figure, give it all to me and I'll split it up for you. But no, my mother has to have her hand in every transaction. America changes traditions, and since I've seen the behavior of those around me day in and day out, all I want to do is hold a gun to your head and make you do it my way.

I don't know what happened, I thought I'd be living with annoying roommates, drinking every night until I puked and easier to get along with by now.
Previous post Next post
Up