(no subject)
the idea comes to mind of multiple lives. this brought on by the same book as below entry. the premise is that with only one life to live, how can we judge an action we've made, including future decisions, because we cannot base it off any life prior or following that which we are currently living. in thesis, we have one life and have none to compare it to. so what constitutes as a regret or a wrong movement? we all had our reasons for what we've done, even if we fail to remember/understand/validate/agree with it. but, we had a reason, nonetheless...
this thanksgiving i'm spending time with my brother and his buds that he lives with in mass. my parents and relatives are left up in maine. i cannot fully explain the feelings i hold within me about this fact, because though i desire to have a closeness and a relationship with the parents, this moment of my life acts differently. i have spent so much time shaping to a will not of my own...well, it was my own will that rectified the change, but i cannot feel that i should have. this is not just conductive to family, but relationships with others as well. so why did i do it? why is it that i want to be what others desire from me when that is not even close to how i feel? maybe i lack a spine, or i have no resolutions to the words and passion that wreaks out of my mouth and heart?
whatever the reasons, i've lost them somewhere between there and here. now is a different. good for many reasons and bad for many reasons. to limit myself to one would mean that i've yet to realize where the other has already come into play. and where all life is balanced out, whether we want it to or not, to say that i have one but not the other is a lie. how often have i lied to myself about this? "i feel fine" "things are okay" answers to questions that i do not care about, but yet they have been answered....
i'm missing my point. i don't even think i have a point. i don't even know what to think about much, yet i continue to think. even though thoughts have no power over anything. feelings get mixed up in words, and there's nothing that can move anything let alone anyone. this is a life. this is the only one i have.
continued mistakes and accomplishments...do what i want...laugh cause that'll at least make me enjoy something.