dinner with the hamres
it seems as though no one reads these anymore so i feel that it's safe to rant on tonight
well
tonight was dinner with the hamre family and it seems as though we went through every emotion of the rainbow (as my mom says and i'm just too lazy to back track and put that in quotes)
so how has life turned out lately
well in a non-immature/dramatic/self-pitying kind of way things have just been empty and i just feel like there's no attachment
i wish there was a better term for explaning how things are right now
but i guess i'll just explain despite a term or phrase
it feels as though right now i have nothing holding me down from just flying off to some other country to live and start my life over without family or friends or anyone
i don't have any real friends right now
we've all changed and in these transitions i've lost everyone except for kristov but i don't really count him because he's my boyfriend and even though we were best friends before it just doesn't seem right that i count him
i mean right now it doesn't feel like he's the best friend that i have at the moment- right now i don't have one, i have a boyfriend instead
i guess i can stop justifying things i say sine i plan to have only me be the one that reads this just because i'm ranting and yeah, kristov knows my codename and stuff but oh well
so tonight we went out on occaison of jessie winning a bunch of certificates at work and yeah our waitress was cool... named jessica and my wirist is starting to hurt so i think i'll stop soon
but who do i have?
and what?
ok
so
my family
and kristov
right now- that's it
oh yeah, and homework. okay.
i don't have any true friends, just kristov
and maybe i'm looking for something that doesn't really exist
because i'm looking back and what i think i'm lacking, i don't remember a time in the past 5 years that i had it
everyone has changed and they all half know me
they only know the parts of me that their personality adjusts to- kristov being the exception, but he's the boyfriend- like i said
mr nelson is retiring and getting that news was the end of my last hope
i feel like now i have no inspiration for continuing the music- the thing that kept me continuing all of this time
mr nelson is retiring and i wasted this WHOLE FUCKING YEAR "trying out" mr. bauer and dealing with him just because everyone was like "you can't decide against it until you try"
i've lost a whole year being completely uninspired and deteriorating the technique i spent all of middle school building up
at dinner jodi, who i was sitting next to, leans over and goes "let's be close again" and then i told her that we can't just because she has all of these set opinions about me that i don't want to put the effort in to try and change because i know it's impossible
just because things went sour with reuben she thinks that me spending this much time with kristov is a complete waste of time and thinks that he is the reason that i don't have any other friends right now
well
she doesn't understand a lot of the situation but she's too stubborn to try
she doesn't understand that kristov and i have been spending this much time together for a LONG time and this whole no friends thing is kind of a new installment
drugs are playing a major part in why i don't have friends anymore, NOT KRISTOV
and also, kristov is my best friend and our relationship is totally different from how her's and reuben's was because kristov and i were best friends long before we were anything more than that
and she wonders why we're not "close" anymore?
another thing that bnothers me, while i'm on this rant, is that her and all of her friends constantly use "gay" as a way of saying that things are stupid and uncool or whatever
well THANK YOU alex paulus for getting me out of the habit
nad jodi is the one that has gay friends too... not even me
wtf?
i wish i had some gay friends
hannah and felicia have been making me unhappy this whole time and it's nice to finally have a reason to be free of them
i'm even getting a little uninspired with photography
the more i learn about the businnes the more i don't like it
i wish everyone was just using the same kind of camera that i use- nothing digital- and simple flashing and everything
and then hardly editing the photos unless a certain advertisment calls for that or something
but the business seems way different and idk if i want to deal with that
there's not one thing that i'm extremely good at- it's just easy for me to get the kanck of a lot of things but never push to the certain line where it's my calling
i think that music was the closest to that but that ended as soon as the transfer deadline passed back in 8th grade and i got the call from katie " I HAVE BAD NEWS!!! MR NELSON IS RETIRING THIS YEAR "
and to me it's sad that i don't think kristov even knows yet why i was balling for a half and hour
i feel like i have nothing
nothing that's stopping me from saving up some money and making plans to be a foreign exchange student
i'm tired of waiting for things to come my way and maybe i have to start making them happen for myself but i've hit too many dead ends and i'm tired of getting started with something and thinking that this is actually the thing that i'll be above average at and then realizing that i'm starting to become uninspired just because of the way things are
and wtf i'm done i have hw
at least now i can put more effort into schoolwork or something
goodnight
well
tonight was dinner with the hamre family and it seems as though we went through every emotion of the rainbow (as my mom says and i'm just too lazy to back track and put that in quotes)
so how has life turned out lately
well in a non-immature/dramatic/self-pitying kind of way things have just been empty and i just feel like there's no attachment
i wish there was a better term for explaning how things are right now
but i guess i'll just explain despite a term or phrase
it feels as though right now i have nothing holding me down from just flying off to some other country to live and start my life over without family or friends or anyone
i don't have any real friends right now
we've all changed and in these transitions i've lost everyone except for kristov but i don't really count him because he's my boyfriend and even though we were best friends before it just doesn't seem right that i count him
i mean right now it doesn't feel like he's the best friend that i have at the moment- right now i don't have one, i have a boyfriend instead
i guess i can stop justifying things i say sine i plan to have only me be the one that reads this just because i'm ranting and yeah, kristov knows my codename and stuff but oh well
so tonight we went out on occaison of jessie winning a bunch of certificates at work and yeah our waitress was cool... named jessica and my wirist is starting to hurt so i think i'll stop soon
but who do i have?
and what?
ok
so
my family
and kristov
right now- that's it
oh yeah, and homework. okay.
i don't have any true friends, just kristov
and maybe i'm looking for something that doesn't really exist
because i'm looking back and what i think i'm lacking, i don't remember a time in the past 5 years that i had it
everyone has changed and they all half know me
they only know the parts of me that their personality adjusts to- kristov being the exception, but he's the boyfriend- like i said
mr nelson is retiring and getting that news was the end of my last hope
i feel like now i have no inspiration for continuing the music- the thing that kept me continuing all of this time
mr nelson is retiring and i wasted this WHOLE FUCKING YEAR "trying out" mr. bauer and dealing with him just because everyone was like "you can't decide against it until you try"
i've lost a whole year being completely uninspired and deteriorating the technique i spent all of middle school building up
at dinner jodi, who i was sitting next to, leans over and goes "let's be close again" and then i told her that we can't just because she has all of these set opinions about me that i don't want to put the effort in to try and change because i know it's impossible
just because things went sour with reuben she thinks that me spending this much time with kristov is a complete waste of time and thinks that he is the reason that i don't have any other friends right now
well
she doesn't understand a lot of the situation but she's too stubborn to try
she doesn't understand that kristov and i have been spending this much time together for a LONG time and this whole no friends thing is kind of a new installment
drugs are playing a major part in why i don't have friends anymore, NOT KRISTOV
and also, kristov is my best friend and our relationship is totally different from how her's and reuben's was because kristov and i were best friends long before we were anything more than that
and she wonders why we're not "close" anymore?
another thing that bnothers me, while i'm on this rant, is that her and all of her friends constantly use "gay" as a way of saying that things are stupid and uncool or whatever
well THANK YOU alex paulus for getting me out of the habit
nad jodi is the one that has gay friends too... not even me
wtf?
i wish i had some gay friends
hannah and felicia have been making me unhappy this whole time and it's nice to finally have a reason to be free of them
i'm even getting a little uninspired with photography
the more i learn about the businnes the more i don't like it
i wish everyone was just using the same kind of camera that i use- nothing digital- and simple flashing and everything
and then hardly editing the photos unless a certain advertisment calls for that or something
but the business seems way different and idk if i want to deal with that
there's not one thing that i'm extremely good at- it's just easy for me to get the kanck of a lot of things but never push to the certain line where it's my calling
i think that music was the closest to that but that ended as soon as the transfer deadline passed back in 8th grade and i got the call from katie " I HAVE BAD NEWS!!! MR NELSON IS RETIRING THIS YEAR "
and to me it's sad that i don't think kristov even knows yet why i was balling for a half and hour
i feel like i have nothing
nothing that's stopping me from saving up some money and making plans to be a foreign exchange student
i'm tired of waiting for things to come my way and maybe i have to start making them happen for myself but i've hit too many dead ends and i'm tired of getting started with something and thinking that this is actually the thing that i'll be above average at and then realizing that i'm starting to become uninspired just because of the way things are
and wtf i'm done i have hw
at least now i can put more effort into schoolwork or something
goodnight