Convenience #5
I borrowed from Ene. Hope that's okay.
The Man
Returning home from his job bagging groceries at the local Co-op, the man discovered a plain brown package leaning against his front door in pleasant glow of the early summer evening. Being neither bright nor paranoid, the man was puzzled and bit excited about this unexpected delivery. He wasn't expecting a package, wanted or unwanted.
The man picked up the bulky envelop, his brow furrowing in what one might confuse for thought, but was really an involuntary muscle spasm caused by emotional befuddlement at the light sounds of metal and feel of misshapen contents within the wrapping.
At this moment the man noticed the post mark and return address. The zip code was very familiar to him, though the town was located some 2500 miles away from his present location.
It was a package from home.
Now our hero was apprehensive.
Adjourning inside he took the parcel to the kitchen where he broke the seal and opened it cautiously. The man then unceremoniously dumped the contents on to the kitchen table. The variety of items spread before him told no story of their own and made no sense when taken as a whole. Even individually, they made little sense without context.
It was the man's profound hope, if such a man can be profound, that the letter addressed "To Occupant" would explain this mystery package.
The Letter
Dear Sir,
It with profound regret that we write to inform you of the death of one John Darling Jr. (aka: Jackie O) who we assume to be a close personal friend of the addressee of this letter, based on correspondence found on parts of the body. Mr. Darling had no family and so the notification and personal effects transfer to you. The aforementioned letter is how we were able to obtain this mailing address and we sincerely apologize if this package has reached you in error.
I wish to inform you that Mr. Darling did not suffer much in the course of his demise. The medical examiner found that his death was swift and most of the mutilation was postmortem. In addition, I am pleased to announce that during the delay in our positive identification of Mr. Darling we were able to apprehend the perpetrator of his murder. I have enclosed the newspaper article for your edification.
At this time we send to you his personal affects, found on or inside his person. Enclosed please find:
Once again, allow me to express our deepest sympathies at your loss and we apologize if you are not the intended recipient of these items.
Sincerely,
Sherrif Body Watts
The News
The River Current - May 22, 2008
Killer Caught Red Handed
After 11 months of edgy terror, the transvestites our fair community can hook a bit easier knowing that the serial killer known as the Manny Mangler has been apprehended by local authorities. Howard Ellsworth, age 48, was discovered covered in blood and holding a shapely leg in one hand, a hunting knife in the other, and "a trouser tent a mouse couldn't camp under," stated Sergeant Michael Hunt, apprehending officer.
Details are still murky, but the media has been informed that the suspect was surprised in the course of his activities during an undercover sting operation initiated by the Sheriff's Department. Sgt. Hunt, possibly operating independently, is reported to have posed as a transvestite in an effort to apprehend the person responsible for three previous violent deaths over the past year.
Few will have forgotten the violent passing of the well known and roughly loved local prostitute Penny Lane this past July. The former Family Grocer bagboy was the first to meet his end in the SwiftMart alley and was discovered due to the sanitation workers strike that stopped garbage service at the SwiftMart location. The smell of decomposing flesh, though not immediately distinguishable from the sundry of other rotten aromas, was eventually noted as out of the ordinary and reported to authorities. The medical examiner stated that Penny had been dead for roughly three weeks before his body was uncovered and Mayor Haynes was quick to point out that the remains would have been found more swiftly if it weren't for the "communist practices of the damned sanitation workers."
In November the partial remains of Star Light, another local prostitute, were discovered after an anonymous call was made to authorities from a payphone at the local library. To this date, not all parts of Ms. Light have been recovered. A third murder followed in April when the apportioned body of John Doe was revealed during the normal course of refuse collection and disposal. The individual's wardrobe and possessions indicated his engagement in the same profession as the previous victims. All assailants had been stabbed and dismembered at the joints in the same SwiftMart alley, but due to the delay in body discovery, no leads were ever uncovered through examination of the security tapes.
According to Sgt. Hunt, Ellsworth had apparently finished dismembering a recreational prostitute, new to the area and known only to SwiftMart employees and local Johns as Jackie O, when Hunt came upon Ellsworth behind the convenience. Sheriff's deputies rapidly isolated Sgt. Hunt from the press, detaining him to obtain a statement and ascertain exactly what transpired in the small, dark hours of an otherwise unremarkable Wednesday morning.
Details gathered from Michelle McKay, a SwiftMart employee, indicate that Sgt. Hunt was dressed as a transvestite and overpowered the "teenie-weenie" suspect after a brief struggle. "I was on my way back to the dumpster to ditch the Christmas cookies, when I saw this dude in a skirt with a headlock on some suite with a knife. I couldn't tell it was him [Hunt] until it was over though."
Ms. McKay related that Sgt. Hunt is a well known figure at the SwiftMart, frequenting the location, both on and off duty. McKay went on to describe in some great detail the heavy makeup, mussed wig, and slip dress that comprised the sergeant's disguise, making immediate identification difficult for the young witness. "Plus his legs were all shaved and stuff. Dude looks better in heels than I do."
Sgt. Hunt sustained minor cuts during his altercation with the offender and the staff of The River Current commends his dedication to serve and protect. Though initially eager to provide his account of events, Sgt. Hunt declined to comment on the veracity of details related by Ms. McKay, the duration of his undercover assignment, or the reason he was working on his day off.
The Man
Returning home from his job bagging groceries at the local Co-op, the man discovered a plain brown package leaning against his front door in pleasant glow of the early summer evening. Being neither bright nor paranoid, the man was puzzled and bit excited about this unexpected delivery. He wasn't expecting a package, wanted or unwanted.
The man picked up the bulky envelop, his brow furrowing in what one might confuse for thought, but was really an involuntary muscle spasm caused by emotional befuddlement at the light sounds of metal and feel of misshapen contents within the wrapping.
At this moment the man noticed the post mark and return address. The zip code was very familiar to him, though the town was located some 2500 miles away from his present location.
It was a package from home.
Now our hero was apprehensive.
Adjourning inside he took the parcel to the kitchen where he broke the seal and opened it cautiously. The man then unceremoniously dumped the contents on to the kitchen table. The variety of items spread before him told no story of their own and made no sense when taken as a whole. Even individually, they made little sense without context.
It was the man's profound hope, if such a man can be profound, that the letter addressed "To Occupant" would explain this mystery package.
The Letter
Dear Sir,
It with profound regret that we write to inform you of the death of one John Darling Jr. (aka: Jackie O) who we assume to be a close personal friend of the addressee of this letter, based on correspondence found on parts of the body. Mr. Darling had no family and so the notification and personal effects transfer to you. The aforementioned letter is how we were able to obtain this mailing address and we sincerely apologize if this package has reached you in error.
I wish to inform you that Mr. Darling did not suffer much in the course of his demise. The medical examiner found that his death was swift and most of the mutilation was postmortem. In addition, I am pleased to announce that during the delay in our positive identification of Mr. Darling we were able to apprehend the perpetrator of his murder. I have enclosed the newspaper article for your edification.
At this time we send to you his personal affects, found on or inside his person. Enclosed please find:
- one half eaten bag of ginger snaps
- one condom wrapper
- one pocket sized New Testament Bible
- one pair handcuffs
- one SwiftMart receipt for one bag of ginger snaps and one Trojan on-the-go condom
- one personal letter addressed to "Big Boy"
Once again, allow me to express our deepest sympathies at your loss and we apologize if you are not the intended recipient of these items.
Sincerely,
Sherrif Body Watts
The News
The River Current - May 22, 2008
Killer Caught Red Handed
After 11 months of edgy terror, the transvestites our fair community can hook a bit easier knowing that the serial killer known as the Manny Mangler has been apprehended by local authorities. Howard Ellsworth, age 48, was discovered covered in blood and holding a shapely leg in one hand, a hunting knife in the other, and "a trouser tent a mouse couldn't camp under," stated Sergeant Michael Hunt, apprehending officer.
Details are still murky, but the media has been informed that the suspect was surprised in the course of his activities during an undercover sting operation initiated by the Sheriff's Department. Sgt. Hunt, possibly operating independently, is reported to have posed as a transvestite in an effort to apprehend the person responsible for three previous violent deaths over the past year.
Few will have forgotten the violent passing of the well known and roughly loved local prostitute Penny Lane this past July. The former Family Grocer bagboy was the first to meet his end in the SwiftMart alley and was discovered due to the sanitation workers strike that stopped garbage service at the SwiftMart location. The smell of decomposing flesh, though not immediately distinguishable from the sundry of other rotten aromas, was eventually noted as out of the ordinary and reported to authorities. The medical examiner stated that Penny had been dead for roughly three weeks before his body was uncovered and Mayor Haynes was quick to point out that the remains would have been found more swiftly if it weren't for the "communist practices of the damned sanitation workers."
In November the partial remains of Star Light, another local prostitute, were discovered after an anonymous call was made to authorities from a payphone at the local library. To this date, not all parts of Ms. Light have been recovered. A third murder followed in April when the apportioned body of John Doe was revealed during the normal course of refuse collection and disposal. The individual's wardrobe and possessions indicated his engagement in the same profession as the previous victims. All assailants had been stabbed and dismembered at the joints in the same SwiftMart alley, but due to the delay in body discovery, no leads were ever uncovered through examination of the security tapes.
According to Sgt. Hunt, Ellsworth had apparently finished dismembering a recreational prostitute, new to the area and known only to SwiftMart employees and local Johns as Jackie O, when Hunt came upon Ellsworth behind the convenience. Sheriff's deputies rapidly isolated Sgt. Hunt from the press, detaining him to obtain a statement and ascertain exactly what transpired in the small, dark hours of an otherwise unremarkable Wednesday morning.
Details gathered from Michelle McKay, a SwiftMart employee, indicate that Sgt. Hunt was dressed as a transvestite and overpowered the "teenie-weenie" suspect after a brief struggle. "I was on my way back to the dumpster to ditch the Christmas cookies, when I saw this dude in a skirt with a headlock on some suite with a knife. I couldn't tell it was him [Hunt] until it was over though."
Ms. McKay related that Sgt. Hunt is a well known figure at the SwiftMart, frequenting the location, both on and off duty. McKay went on to describe in some great detail the heavy makeup, mussed wig, and slip dress that comprised the sergeant's disguise, making immediate identification difficult for the young witness. "Plus his legs were all shaved and stuff. Dude looks better in heels than I do."
Sgt. Hunt sustained minor cuts during his altercation with the offender and the staff of The River Current commends his dedication to serve and protect. Though initially eager to provide his account of events, Sgt. Hunt declined to comment on the veracity of details related by Ms. McKay, the duration of his undercover assignment, or the reason he was working on his day off.