(no subject)
Lately I cant help but think about how much I wish I could die.
I mean the thought has always been lurking around but lately I find myself wishing it more and more. And I know for a fact that if it wasnt for Aurora and Aiden I would've been gone a long time ago. It's scary. And this is the first time I have ever let it seep out of my head into some form of concrete evidence of how fucked up I really am. I just dont have the ambition and drive to lead a normal life.... the only reason I do what I do is for my children. But I think in a way that's why it's so hard for me to commit to the things that I do.... because I dont give a shit. The only things that matter to me in this life are my relationships... and I keep screwing that up. I'm a horrible mother, I dont have nearly enough patience or discipline. I'm apparently a psychotic jealous ridden girlfriend. As a daughter I'm a big time failure, that always gets herself into fucked up situations. And it's been really really bad since I got back from GA. I dont know why, it just is. I dont want to do this anymore... I hate myself, end of the story.
I mean the thought has always been lurking around but lately I find myself wishing it more and more. And I know for a fact that if it wasnt for Aurora and Aiden I would've been gone a long time ago. It's scary. And this is the first time I have ever let it seep out of my head into some form of concrete evidence of how fucked up I really am. I just dont have the ambition and drive to lead a normal life.... the only reason I do what I do is for my children. But I think in a way that's why it's so hard for me to commit to the things that I do.... because I dont give a shit. The only things that matter to me in this life are my relationships... and I keep screwing that up. I'm a horrible mother, I dont have nearly enough patience or discipline. I'm apparently a psychotic jealous ridden girlfriend. As a daughter I'm a big time failure, that always gets herself into fucked up situations. And it's been really really bad since I got back from GA. I dont know why, it just is. I dont want to do this anymore... I hate myself, end of the story.