(no subject)
Call it selfish, call it whatever you want I dont care but I'm beginning to get angry.
Why only me? Why is it okay for him to live a lie for everyone and leave me out of his life for whatever reason. I dont mind problems, shit I've got a ton... but dont exclude me from your life because youre going through something.
I'm so frustrated right now.
I want to help but I cant. I want to see him but I cant
I want to hold him but theres no way... and now he's taken the last part that I had of him and I cant even talk to him. fuck this, i am so angry.
angry that this has to happen, angry that I get pushed away.
he says he loves me but he prefers to have nothing to do with me.
I dont want to do this again. i did it with adam and that turned out so fucking fantastic. I did this with denise and I am on a never ending cycle of not knowing when she's gonna disappear from my life and for how long and now Khalif. I think the biggest problem I have with all of this is the uncertainty. Not knowing how long it will last or if it will be okay, and I know with Adam I held on for sooo long thinking that change might be around the next corner. I dont know, this makes no sense, but I feel like if i dont get this out somehow I'm gonna explode. And I cant talk to anyone about this because I cant say what I know. I cant tell them anything really only that there are problems with Khalif, which of course would be mistaken for problems between the two of us which would be followed by eyes rolling and I told you so's. BLeh. And I can talk to Denise, but she would never understand where I am coming from because she's on the other side of this situation. She doesn't understand how it is to love someone so deeply and have them completely unreachable. She doesn't know how much it hurts because she is the one that has done the hurting. And she says make sure he takes care of this now, and he doesn't let it drag out because that's when he'll have a breakdown like I did. That's when he'll hit rock bottom. Well how do I know when that is?!?! How am I supposed to help? He doesn't want my help! It's just not fair that everyone else still gets to have him in their life and I dont. I love him so much and I just want to show him. What if I've lost him for good? I cant deal anymore I'm gonna pass out.
Why only me? Why is it okay for him to live a lie for everyone and leave me out of his life for whatever reason. I dont mind problems, shit I've got a ton... but dont exclude me from your life because youre going through something.
I'm so frustrated right now.
I want to help but I cant. I want to see him but I cant
I want to hold him but theres no way... and now he's taken the last part that I had of him and I cant even talk to him. fuck this, i am so angry.
angry that this has to happen, angry that I get pushed away.
he says he loves me but he prefers to have nothing to do with me.
I dont want to do this again. i did it with adam and that turned out so fucking fantastic. I did this with denise and I am on a never ending cycle of not knowing when she's gonna disappear from my life and for how long and now Khalif. I think the biggest problem I have with all of this is the uncertainty. Not knowing how long it will last or if it will be okay, and I know with Adam I held on for sooo long thinking that change might be around the next corner. I dont know, this makes no sense, but I feel like if i dont get this out somehow I'm gonna explode. And I cant talk to anyone about this because I cant say what I know. I cant tell them anything really only that there are problems with Khalif, which of course would be mistaken for problems between the two of us which would be followed by eyes rolling and I told you so's. BLeh. And I can talk to Denise, but she would never understand where I am coming from because she's on the other side of this situation. She doesn't understand how it is to love someone so deeply and have them completely unreachable. She doesn't know how much it hurts because she is the one that has done the hurting. And she says make sure he takes care of this now, and he doesn't let it drag out because that's when he'll have a breakdown like I did. That's when he'll hit rock bottom. Well how do I know when that is?!?! How am I supposed to help? He doesn't want my help! It's just not fair that everyone else still gets to have him in their life and I dont. I love him so much and I just want to show him. What if I've lost him for good? I cant deal anymore I'm gonna pass out.