(no subject)
i am heaps not wanting to do my uni work....
ANYWAY.
the play only has a week left. i am going to be exceptionally happy when it's over because THEN i will actually have time. time to do things that normal people do, like go grocery shopping and eat 3 meals a day and buy shoes.
i'm not really feeling that great with stuff these days. just not overwhelmingly satisfied. i think i have also numbed a lot of my reception to this disatisfaction with excessive consumption of alcohol on empty stomachs in combination with extreme sleep deprivation. the culmination of which makes me feel very little indeed, except exhausted. i am not full of anything much, and the stuff i'm reading, the things i'm learning about and starting to believe aren't helping either. they are great and interesting and make me feel intelligent, but then they depress me greatly as well. a lot of american literature from the past ten years that reiterates an innane and inescapable unhappiness and deeply imbedded mental instability. illness and joylessness.
it's heavy stuff. and it's great, but completely draining too.
i also think there is only so much you can hink about gender. and masculinity. and yet, i am doing a gender studies subject based on ideas of masculinity. it's starting to give me the shits. which doesn't help me when i have a task due on friday. that i'm not getting done...
tonight i cooked a shitty dinner because i wasn't looking at any spices i was putting in it, and so it tasted heaps like vomit. which made me want to vomit. and as soon as i started noticing it's vomityness, i couldn't eat it anymore.
i guess i'm just getting to the point this year where i need another holiday. i need something to change. i think it is a lot to do with the play and it being so fucking time-consuming and draining and not very creatively rewarding or satisfying at all. it makes me feel heaps displaced and...disenfranchised and disenchanted and disemboweled.
all i feel like doing is watching french films and horror movies and thinking about them and then watching more.
somebody is cooking something and it smells like my dinner tonight...
i wish my camera was working. i wish my brain was working. i wish i had more space in my mind and my soul right now to start enjoying things and stop feeling so drained.
i wish i wish i wish i were a fish.
oh, how i wish i were a fish.
a fish, a fish, a fish, a fish.
ANYWAY.
the play only has a week left. i am going to be exceptionally happy when it's over because THEN i will actually have time. time to do things that normal people do, like go grocery shopping and eat 3 meals a day and buy shoes.
i'm not really feeling that great with stuff these days. just not overwhelmingly satisfied. i think i have also numbed a lot of my reception to this disatisfaction with excessive consumption of alcohol on empty stomachs in combination with extreme sleep deprivation. the culmination of which makes me feel very little indeed, except exhausted. i am not full of anything much, and the stuff i'm reading, the things i'm learning about and starting to believe aren't helping either. they are great and interesting and make me feel intelligent, but then they depress me greatly as well. a lot of american literature from the past ten years that reiterates an innane and inescapable unhappiness and deeply imbedded mental instability. illness and joylessness.
it's heavy stuff. and it's great, but completely draining too.
i also think there is only so much you can hink about gender. and masculinity. and yet, i am doing a gender studies subject based on ideas of masculinity. it's starting to give me the shits. which doesn't help me when i have a task due on friday. that i'm not getting done...
tonight i cooked a shitty dinner because i wasn't looking at any spices i was putting in it, and so it tasted heaps like vomit. which made me want to vomit. and as soon as i started noticing it's vomityness, i couldn't eat it anymore.
i guess i'm just getting to the point this year where i need another holiday. i need something to change. i think it is a lot to do with the play and it being so fucking time-consuming and draining and not very creatively rewarding or satisfying at all. it makes me feel heaps displaced and...disenfranchised and disenchanted and disemboweled.
all i feel like doing is watching french films and horror movies and thinking about them and then watching more.
somebody is cooking something and it smells like my dinner tonight...
i wish my camera was working. i wish my brain was working. i wish i had more space in my mind and my soul right now to start enjoying things and stop feeling so drained.
i wish i wish i wish i were a fish.
oh, how i wish i were a fish.
a fish, a fish, a fish, a fish.