(no subject)
Back in December, it hit me that I've been fairly self-destructive most of my life. Within reason, in a sort of suburban way, but still, making decisions that aren't good for me. Marrying joe was one and I think I knew it at the time. Hooking up with Sammy's father was 100% pure self destructiveness. But there have been other things...I flirted with anorexia, considered cutting, and a hundred other smaller things. I drive too fast. Anyway, it hit me with stark clarity one night in December when I was mad at Joe and just wanted to break something or just leave everything behind. Which if course, I wouldn't do but it felt good to think about it.
Sammys father has basically ignored him since birth. We talked some in December about him seeing Sammy but then it never happened. As I mentioned on b.org, he has a on again off again girlfriend who didn't know about Sammy. She just had a baby herself, Sammy's half brother I guess, and then found out about Sammy. She's a fairly crazy person, and that's not me being bitchy, but she's upset. She got Sammy's father to call me and basically tell me he wants his name off Sammy's birth certificate. It's hard to see the point, really but I could hear her in the background yelling and cursing. He sounded like he had a gun to his head, all weird and shaky. Then she called back later to yell at me.
I don't think they really understand how the whole birth certificate thing works. I think he's saying he would like to renounce or terminate his parental rights. Which hurt me a lot. I mean, I know he doesn't care that much, but I didn't think he cared so little that he would be willing to do that, of all things. On the other hand, I actually want that because I worry a lot that if I die, he will have custody of Sammy. The only way to now for sure what wold happen is for his to terminate his parental rights. So I'm just confused by how sad that idea makes me and relieved at the same time. As for the girlfriend, my conscience is clear there. I know that, at least in his mind, they were not together.
Between therapy and this cool ask moxie divorce workshop, I've been thinking a lot about his to not make the same self destructive choices again. One of them has been just letting B go and not fighting or resisting his lack of interest in Sammy or me. I guess
oi feel like I am finally seeing him clearly. Wich is a relief and progress. So that is good and it feels good but it is also a bit sad and embarrassing to see the bad choices I made in him, and in Joe, and in other things, in the stark light of day. That light and clarity is a blessing and I do see it that way. Bt I want to leave the past in the past and when you have kids with someone, you can't do that as completely as you might like.
Okay, I'm writing on my iPad so I can't see that last paragraph. Hopefully there aren't too many typos.
This entry was originally posted at http://ste-noni.dreamwidth.org/213873.html. Please comment there using OpenID or here.
Sammys father has basically ignored him since birth. We talked some in December about him seeing Sammy but then it never happened. As I mentioned on b.org, he has a on again off again girlfriend who didn't know about Sammy. She just had a baby herself, Sammy's half brother I guess, and then found out about Sammy. She's a fairly crazy person, and that's not me being bitchy, but she's upset. She got Sammy's father to call me and basically tell me he wants his name off Sammy's birth certificate. It's hard to see the point, really but I could hear her in the background yelling and cursing. He sounded like he had a gun to his head, all weird and shaky. Then she called back later to yell at me.
I don't think they really understand how the whole birth certificate thing works. I think he's saying he would like to renounce or terminate his parental rights. Which hurt me a lot. I mean, I know he doesn't care that much, but I didn't think he cared so little that he would be willing to do that, of all things. On the other hand, I actually want that because I worry a lot that if I die, he will have custody of Sammy. The only way to now for sure what wold happen is for his to terminate his parental rights. So I'm just confused by how sad that idea makes me and relieved at the same time. As for the girlfriend, my conscience is clear there. I know that, at least in his mind, they were not together.
Between therapy and this cool ask moxie divorce workshop, I've been thinking a lot about his to not make the same self destructive choices again. One of them has been just letting B go and not fighting or resisting his lack of interest in Sammy or me. I guess
oi feel like I am finally seeing him clearly. Wich is a relief and progress. So that is good and it feels good but it is also a bit sad and embarrassing to see the bad choices I made in him, and in Joe, and in other things, in the stark light of day. That light and clarity is a blessing and I do see it that way. Bt I want to leave the past in the past and when you have kids with someone, you can't do that as completely as you might like.
Okay, I'm writing on my iPad so I can't see that last paragraph. Hopefully there aren't too many typos.
This entry was originally posted at http://ste-noni.dreamwidth.org/213873.html. Please comment there using OpenID or here.