This is fucking depressing. Don't read if you're in a good mood...
My father called me the other day to tell me that he'd had his "first" heart attack (as if he were expecting more...that's encouraging). Apparently, it wasn't bad enough for them to keep him in the hospital, but it's still a heart attack. He fucking freaks me out! He has so many health problems, and he goes to the doctor and all, but it never seems like anything helps. Either he's got really shitty doctors (which is a definite possibility) or he really isn't doing what they tell him to. My family is far from wealthy, and I know he can't afford all the medication he should be taking. I wish so much I could afford to help him out. I'm constantly worried about him, but what the hell can I do? I can't force him to stick to a diet that won't make his blood sugar sky rocket. I can't make him quit smoking (especially when I can't even do it). Sometimes it seems like he doesn't even care anymore - like he's just given up, and it terrifies me. Ever since my mom died, I've clung to him more than ever. And the last crazy notion I want in my head is that he's giving in to whatever problems he has and his time will come earlier than it would have if he'd just done something about it. Selfish, I know. But it's my fucking father, for christ's sake! And then he starts telling me how upset he is with my brother (who has been insulin dependent since childhood and has been on dialysis for a few years now). My brother could have been on the waiting list for a donation years ago (otherwise it's dialysis for the rest of his life), but never bothered to get the shit done so he could make it happen. He's got to get his teeth fixed, for starters (don't ask me why), and some other things to ensure that his body is as strong as it can be to receive a donation when it becomes available. But he won't fucking do it! We know it's his wife, who spends what little money they have on new shoes, new cars, new shit for their son.....she's spending way beyond their means, and that money could and should be going toward my brother's health. The health of the person you supposedly love should be more important than any material thing. Sometimes I think she really doesn't care if he dies, that she's waiting for it. I've never seen her make an effort to encourage him and she always seems so nonchalant whenever I try to discuss his health with her. It's my brother's fault, too, though, because if he wanted it that bad he could do something about it. I know that his son is pretty much all he's got to live for - he's told me this - but if he wants to see his son into adulthood, then he's got to do something! I offered years ago to donate a kidney to him (me being the best match as his only blood sibling), but at the time the doctor said I was too young. I told him recently that the offer still stands, but at this point if he only got a kidney it would just fail like his own. So what he really needs is a new kidney and pancreas together (which any living person obviously cannot give). This would mean he would no longer be diabetic (providing the transplant is a success). And from what he's told me, his doctor said that the wait for a kidney and pancreas together is shorter than just a kidney because the demand for only a kidney is greater. So why the fuck doesn't he get on the damned list?! So my father is talking to me about all this, and I'm agreeing, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "But Dad, you're really not much more aggressive when it comes to your own health." Like father, like son, I guess...