life...
Sitting on my balcony smoking a cigarrette with my best friend makes me feel like no matter what life throws at me I can continue and even grow from it all. A lot of people who know me see me and think she's a slut who loves to have sex, a happy person, has life easy, and yes sometimes even people see me as a bitch. I ran away from that reputation by moving here and I have found this new me. The slut you may have seen who sleeps with many people slept with one person for love I was inlove I would never take back how I felt about him he was my first love my first everything and it was bliss. He was the person to ger rid of my fear of sex. I was molested when I was a kid and I only can remember bits and pieces as to what happend, but it still had an affect on me which I thought I would slowly be able to grow out of, but I never did and when I thought I was about to I got sucked back into. Last summer I had to deal with one of my firends going through the same thing and it hurt more than anything, it was like no matter what I did or how much I grew something was always there to bring me down...I will admit that it ended badly and hurt me as a person to the point where I hated love and just wanted to use people to kill my pain. I used someone who I will always feel sorry for treating the way I did, but sex was a good healer it took away all the pain for a small while and made me forget how much I hated the person I was. Then there is the happy me thats runs around with a sweet smile on my face pretending to be ok, but ran home everynight locked up in my room slowly cutting little knicks in my wrist praying to God someone would notice the pain I had tried to take out of my heart and mind and inflict on my body instead. And lastly I the bitch....I have to have a cold shoulder and try to be stuck up and think I was better than everyone because I hated myslef and it helped to hide all my insecurities if I hurt you first there was no way you could hurt me....I bet none of you knew that I carried all of this pain on my shoulders day after day. Even though through Jr. high and highschool I was known by many and even live what many kids hoped to live through highschool....it's true all of us at the top are the ones with the most problems.....
Today I looked at who I am. I am no longer insecure and angry, I am no longer having sex to kill the pain thats boiling up inside of me, and now I am no longer a bitch to people who I wish I could be. I guess what I'm trying to say is I like who I am I like everything about me, I got this chance to start all over and not live by this lable that people have given me over the years....you will never understand this feeling until it happends to you and I hope that everyone will one day get the chance to accomplish things they have always wanted to do just like I did regardless of what people said I did everything I said I would I made it and I am happy. I have the worlds greatest firend who is like an sister and is part of everything in my life...she was the one who picked me up when I was would barly hold myself up from all the angry tears pouring out of my body she was the one who was there helping accomplish getting as far as I did in MS Merced when even my own family thought I had no chance in the world it is one of the greatest feelings to have someone like her. And now I have this boy who makes me feel like I'm the only one in the room when I walk in. He knows all the right things to say to me and in fact he didn't run when I told him I loved him even though he wasnt at the same place. I feel like I did when I was this Jason I haven't felt that way in a long time. I will never take away the day that we ran away I will never take away the struggle we went through getting to where we are...I know that it's likely that we won't make it and this will be just another story that I will be able to tell my children about, but right now I am happy with him that's all that matter I am happy I will never change that....
Today I looked at who I am. I am no longer insecure and angry, I am no longer having sex to kill the pain thats boiling up inside of me, and now I am no longer a bitch to people who I wish I could be. I guess what I'm trying to say is I like who I am I like everything about me, I got this chance to start all over and not live by this lable that people have given me over the years....you will never understand this feeling until it happends to you and I hope that everyone will one day get the chance to accomplish things they have always wanted to do just like I did regardless of what people said I did everything I said I would I made it and I am happy. I have the worlds greatest firend who is like an sister and is part of everything in my life...she was the one who picked me up when I was would barly hold myself up from all the angry tears pouring out of my body she was the one who was there helping accomplish getting as far as I did in MS Merced when even my own family thought I had no chance in the world it is one of the greatest feelings to have someone like her. And now I have this boy who makes me feel like I'm the only one in the room when I walk in. He knows all the right things to say to me and in fact he didn't run when I told him I loved him even though he wasnt at the same place. I feel like I did when I was this Jason I haven't felt that way in a long time. I will never take away the day that we ran away I will never take away the struggle we went through getting to where we are...I know that it's likely that we won't make it and this will be just another story that I will be able to tell my children about, but right now I am happy with him that's all that matter I am happy I will never change that....