(no subject)
i'm finally home after four months of living abroad. i don't know how i feel about the whole thing. i mean, i loved every moment of being away and seeing the world, and yes, i got homesick, especially at the end. but i'm not sure i'm ready to be back here, back in my old, boring routine. i missed my friends, so so much. but sitting around here on this stupid island just doesn't do it for me anymore. i need more. i feel like i've gone backwards on everything i've accomplished. i feel like i've finally found myself and was able to be completely happy for that time and i'm scared of losing that now. i'm scared that the greatest part of my life may be over. that i'll never feel that good and at peace again. i honestly feel like i am falling apart on this stupid island. i need to get away again.
and then tonight i find out that he is home and i want to vomit. i finally feel like i am making progress on myself and i'm so scared to be sucked back into a bunch of negativity, but at the same time i feel like i need to see him. i feel like if i don't and i avoid the whole situation i won't be able to keep growing in the ways that i have, i don't want to run away from everything for the rest of my life. and the fact that i knew something like this was going to happen. well, not that i knew but it's more that i was told that when i had my tarot cards read. in class in florence we learned about tarot cards and what each means, and my teacher read mine in front of the class. i had to ask a question, which was am i going to get everything in my life together soon. i feel unbalanced. and she said that a little over a month from that time (right about now) i'd face the root of all that is making me this way. she talked about being hurt in the past yada yada. but the things she was saying hit close. and she said that i need to face this all in order to balance myself and find true inner peace. i asked if i should just let things happen or if i should go out of my way for all this and she said it was going to happen one way or another no matter what i did. and i know how it'll go. it's obvious. john will come to cat's on new years with his girlfriend and then... i don't know that part. will i freak out, be really sad. will i realize that i don't care about him that he's an asshole who i don't want in my life. will we become friends. will he say something, maybe even just in passing, that will just instantly heal me and then i'll be able to function normally and have normal, committed relationships? i just feel like the whole thing never had an ending. and that's what it needs i think. i'm a stronger person these days so i doubt i'll have even an inkling to go back to all that bullshit. so i don't really think there's any reason to not see him. just the fact this is all upsetting me so much proves that something has to be done. and i feel like if i miss it now i may never get the chance again. and i need a change. a really deep change.
i'm going to see him. and i hope that something is resolved from the encounter. i just hate the feeling i have until that happens.
and then tonight i find out that he is home and i want to vomit. i finally feel like i am making progress on myself and i'm so scared to be sucked back into a bunch of negativity, but at the same time i feel like i need to see him. i feel like if i don't and i avoid the whole situation i won't be able to keep growing in the ways that i have, i don't want to run away from everything for the rest of my life. and the fact that i knew something like this was going to happen. well, not that i knew but it's more that i was told that when i had my tarot cards read. in class in florence we learned about tarot cards and what each means, and my teacher read mine in front of the class. i had to ask a question, which was am i going to get everything in my life together soon. i feel unbalanced. and she said that a little over a month from that time (right about now) i'd face the root of all that is making me this way. she talked about being hurt in the past yada yada. but the things she was saying hit close. and she said that i need to face this all in order to balance myself and find true inner peace. i asked if i should just let things happen or if i should go out of my way for all this and she said it was going to happen one way or another no matter what i did. and i know how it'll go. it's obvious. john will come to cat's on new years with his girlfriend and then... i don't know that part. will i freak out, be really sad. will i realize that i don't care about him that he's an asshole who i don't want in my life. will we become friends. will he say something, maybe even just in passing, that will just instantly heal me and then i'll be able to function normally and have normal, committed relationships? i just feel like the whole thing never had an ending. and that's what it needs i think. i'm a stronger person these days so i doubt i'll have even an inkling to go back to all that bullshit. so i don't really think there's any reason to not see him. just the fact this is all upsetting me so much proves that something has to be done. and i feel like if i miss it now i may never get the chance again. and i need a change. a really deep change.
i'm going to see him. and i hope that something is resolved from the encounter. i just hate the feeling i have until that happens.