(no subject)
I have been away from here more than elsewhere, but I've disappeared a lot in general of late. I am not feeling so great about Things.
It's like I'm out of everything. Out of hope, out of energy, out of passion, out of potential. Nothing seems worth doing because everything feels foreordained as a failure. It isn't, obviously it isn't. Things are not that simple. But being inert like this makes the feelings that go with it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing will change until I change it, until I move. In my life as it is there is no space for serendipity. I sleep, or I try to sleep, all day, and then I work with exactly one (1) person, and I never see anyone I don't already know-- or most people that I do know. There's no chance for something interesting to come along and shake things up. And I am reliant on that.
But I must be better than I used to be, because instead of sinking into these feelings and accepting this as The Inevitable Way, I'm fighting them as I write this. Yes, I am currently in stasis. Yes, it is kind of pathetic that I am happy about possibly getting to move to Accounting. But when I do (I think I will), I will see other people sometimes. I will be awake during parts of the day when it's worth leaving the house. Maybe I will actually leave the house. Maybe something will goddamn happen for once.
I guess 17 mosquito bites have happened recently, but that is not positive. I am SO FUCKING ITCHY right now. (Not relevant, but annoyingly unignorable.)
Had a mini-breakdown in therapy yesterday, crying about the idea that this is all I get. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am totally unwilling to accept that my entire life is going to consist of some boring, poorly-paid, asinine day job and that's it, that's all, I never get to escape it. That's pretty much the single worst idea ever. But it may be the world now. Because I wasted everything I've ever had. Because I threw so much away. And I can't get it back. And now part of me is excited about getting a job in Accounting. And I want more, but I don't believe in it. I don't even really hope for it. Which is... a bit maladaptive.
This is a different kind of depression than the kind I'm used to. Storms of sobbing are few. But I cannot motivate myself to try to change anything, because it all feels futile.
I hope I do get this job. SOMETHING will change if I do, and it won't be something too hard to go after. If I do not get this, I will have to look for another job. And it's going to be all but impossible to find a decent one. People know me at the Sorrento. I have established a positive reputation. They know what I am good at. And if that can't get me into a better position, shit, I have no idea how I'll manage it.
This isn't what I want. None of it is.
But I don't know what else to do.
I need a victory. But I need to try to do something before I can succeed at something.
Goddamn it.
It's like I'm out of everything. Out of hope, out of energy, out of passion, out of potential. Nothing seems worth doing because everything feels foreordained as a failure. It isn't, obviously it isn't. Things are not that simple. But being inert like this makes the feelings that go with it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing will change until I change it, until I move. In my life as it is there is no space for serendipity. I sleep, or I try to sleep, all day, and then I work with exactly one (1) person, and I never see anyone I don't already know-- or most people that I do know. There's no chance for something interesting to come along and shake things up. And I am reliant on that.
But I must be better than I used to be, because instead of sinking into these feelings and accepting this as The Inevitable Way, I'm fighting them as I write this. Yes, I am currently in stasis. Yes, it is kind of pathetic that I am happy about possibly getting to move to Accounting. But when I do (I think I will), I will see other people sometimes. I will be awake during parts of the day when it's worth leaving the house. Maybe I will actually leave the house. Maybe something will goddamn happen for once.
I guess 17 mosquito bites have happened recently, but that is not positive. I am SO FUCKING ITCHY right now. (Not relevant, but annoyingly unignorable.)
Had a mini-breakdown in therapy yesterday, crying about the idea that this is all I get. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that I am totally unwilling to accept that my entire life is going to consist of some boring, poorly-paid, asinine day job and that's it, that's all, I never get to escape it. That's pretty much the single worst idea ever. But it may be the world now. Because I wasted everything I've ever had. Because I threw so much away. And I can't get it back. And now part of me is excited about getting a job in Accounting. And I want more, but I don't believe in it. I don't even really hope for it. Which is... a bit maladaptive.
This is a different kind of depression than the kind I'm used to. Storms of sobbing are few. But I cannot motivate myself to try to change anything, because it all feels futile.
I hope I do get this job. SOMETHING will change if I do, and it won't be something too hard to go after. If I do not get this, I will have to look for another job. And it's going to be all but impossible to find a decent one. People know me at the Sorrento. I have established a positive reputation. They know what I am good at. And if that can't get me into a better position, shit, I have no idea how I'll manage it.
This isn't what I want. None of it is.
But I don't know what else to do.
I need a victory. But I need to try to do something before I can succeed at something.
Goddamn it.