(no subject)
So, I've been thinking some about what happened after those elevator doors closed in LWS. We saw that look of utter devastation on V's face. So, the question is how she got from that look to the smile she gave Logan at the end of NP. Here's how I see it.
What was she devastated by? Above all, I think it's that she let herself hope that it was true. The words Logan was saying at the party seemed insane, and then they seemed like everything she couldn't admit she had been wanting to hear him say for so long. It was too much. She bolted. But then she lay awake all night and let herself hope. Maybe it's true. I want it to be true. I don't want to miss this chance. I have to go tell him, and I have to get the words just right, so I'll memorize this speech.
And then Kendall, and it wasn't true. She had let herself hope the way Veronica 1.0 would have. Like she hadn't learned any lessons. So in the elevator, she shook her head in pain and disgust at him and mostly disgust at herself for putting herself out and letting herself hope. And she wanted to just say he's not worth it so she wouldn't feel and it woudn't hurt, but it was too late, she had already let those feelings back in, and good lord did it hurt.
But then rational Veronia took over, which is usually the point at which she starts to block things out and rationalize and compartmenalize, and it's all over for Logan.
Except something was different. The first rational thought was, wait, he looked totally devastated in the hall. Why would he look that way if it was all a lie? And emotional Veronica started to wonder.
And he didn't seem to even give a shit about Kendall. He completely ignored her and only looked at me. And last night, I ran out on his almost kiss like I've done so many times, which, well what was he supposed to think? So he got even drunker, like passing out drunk. And then what could have happened really? And emotional Veronica almost started to hope.
And if he just wanted bimbos, why was he talking to me at all? He has to know that getting me to drop my defenses would be harder than any other girl at the party. He knows my walls are thick, and I'm schooled in the charms of Logan Echolls. So why talk to me if he didn't mean it?
And the words he said. Yeah, he was drunk, but does drunk-talk say the perfect things, make the perfect apology, describe us and only us in those perfect words? And emotional Veronica could almost believe.
And then she saw him every day at school. And he looked so hurt. He looked exactly like she felt. But she just couldn't quite let herself believe. She wouldn't take that risk again. So they nodded and passed each other, and she could feel his eyes on her, and it was awkward. Maybe it was epic love, but this is what epic love meant for them since she couldn't let herself take that chance again. Ain't epic love grand?
And then she had to act like business as usual to ask him about Lucky, and she'd stand farther away from him than ever so maybe he wouldn't notice that she was scared shitless. Just act calm. Say something snarky. Don't notice him leaning there like that.
And then she dreamt of her old life, only it was Logan she was with, like somehow it had always been Logan. And she couldn't deny what she felt, but was it really worth it? Are relatioships REALLY supposed to be this hard?
And then Beaver told her she had nothing left to live for. And seriously, at that moment, there was only one person who might make that wrong. So she'd send him a message and maybe, just maybe. And then there he was, and they were saving each other's lives. And she let herself melt into him because she didn't have enough substance of her own anymore. Beaver had taken that away. And he just held her, and it was perfect, except everything was too terrible for anything to ever be perfect.
But then her father was OK, and somehow Logan knew without a word that she needed to just dwell in the fact that her father was alive. So he silently walked out and let her have that time. And when the door shut, rational Veronica KNEW, for the first time she had ever known, even after all their time together, that it was safe to believe in Logan Echolls.
And when he showed up for their "talk", she smiled her feelings because she's no good at talking. She didn't want to have a talk. Couldn't they just skip the talk? And he kissed her.