Life Is So Difficult
Well, today wuznt so much of a good day...Alot of things crossed my mind that didnt make me feel too great..but we're not gonna get into that. I feel like im just a fucked up person and i fucked up my life because of some asshole who never gave too god damn shits enough to care. But if that makes him feel so great about himself 2 sit there and use me, and still dare to call me up the next day and say hes sorry, and do that a million times like hes done before, its not happening. I was a stupid fuckin bitch to not see it, and everyone told me im fucking up my life because of some guy thats not gonna be there forever. What i thought forever was for us, turned into hating and cant standing each other anymore. He got me hooked on fuckin ciggarettes, got me in2 wanting 2 skip skool everyday of my life, and now i feel like an exact shadow of how he was...and that makes me feel uncomfortable. He graduated, by skipping every day..and when i see that, it makes it look so easy 2 skip, smoke, have fun, and graduate. But it mite not be so easy for me.....And every1s getting mad b/c of it, and nobody understands that its really hard to start from the beginning..
I have Chris, and we been goin out for almost 2 months now, and it feels good 2 know sum1 cares about me alot..but in a way it scares me alittle bit. Because i was w/ jimmy, bf and gf, friends, fuck buddies, all that mixed up in a year, and
I was so use to caring for him, and wanting to do anything in my power to make him as happy as i could, and he never cared for me as much as i did for him. And i guess it was always a goal in my life to get him to feel the same and just like me for me, and not just for my body or whatever it was. And i changed my whole lifestyle and personality for him, and did whatever he wanted me to, and i was seriously like a fuckin bitch. And now that i realize and see that i found someone who likes me alot and stuff, i dont have to go thru all that trouble tryin 2 get him 2 feel and care for me alot, because i already have it. And maybe its alittle bit wierd because im just so use to getting or wanting something that i dont have. Im just fuckin difficult and it really sucks :/
Then i have ppl telling me im a fuck up and that my dad said he would never buy me a nice car liek the RX-8 if im a fuckup and a drop-out and shit. But yet hes always bitching at me and shit about picking me up here and there, and from niteskool and shit. But it'd be different if i had a car then i can drive and w/e, but noooo they dont fuckin trust me w/ a car and thats messed up b/c im not a little kid anymore and im getting sick of being treated like a baby and having them think im not responsible enough to drive.
Well w/e im tired n feel like goin 2 sleep, chris is suspended and dunno if im gonna see him for 3 days unless he dirves me 2 skool in the morning but i dunno, ...and i never cry, ever...but i think i'll go cry mself 2 sleep b/c it mite make me feel better cause im so uptight and lots of things r on my mind...and now that i think about it, how can Chris really say he loves me, if just 1 little thing made him flip out and then say if it happens again, he;ll walk away from it all? W/e, its what he wants to do....
G NiTe.
SmOke 1
I have Chris, and we been goin out for almost 2 months now, and it feels good 2 know sum1 cares about me alot..but in a way it scares me alittle bit. Because i was w/ jimmy, bf and gf, friends, fuck buddies, all that mixed up in a year, and
I was so use to caring for him, and wanting to do anything in my power to make him as happy as i could, and he never cared for me as much as i did for him. And i guess it was always a goal in my life to get him to feel the same and just like me for me, and not just for my body or whatever it was. And i changed my whole lifestyle and personality for him, and did whatever he wanted me to, and i was seriously like a fuckin bitch. And now that i realize and see that i found someone who likes me alot and stuff, i dont have to go thru all that trouble tryin 2 get him 2 feel and care for me alot, because i already have it. And maybe its alittle bit wierd because im just so use to getting or wanting something that i dont have. Im just fuckin difficult and it really sucks :/
Then i have ppl telling me im a fuck up and that my dad said he would never buy me a nice car liek the RX-8 if im a fuckup and a drop-out and shit. But yet hes always bitching at me and shit about picking me up here and there, and from niteskool and shit. But it'd be different if i had a car then i can drive and w/e, but noooo they dont fuckin trust me w/ a car and thats messed up b/c im not a little kid anymore and im getting sick of being treated like a baby and having them think im not responsible enough to drive.
Well w/e im tired n feel like goin 2 sleep, chris is suspended and dunno if im gonna see him for 3 days unless he dirves me 2 skool in the morning but i dunno, ...and i never cry, ever...but i think i'll go cry mself 2 sleep b/c it mite make me feel better cause im so uptight and lots of things r on my mind...and now that i think about it, how can Chris really say he loves me, if just 1 little thing made him flip out and then say if it happens again, he;ll walk away from it all? W/e, its what he wants to do....
G NiTe.
SmOke 1