disconnected

[stationego]

well well well. i'm still in Arizona. the town is the same but i have changed, causeing the previous to look like a reflection. its dry, its brown, its empty. I went downtown saturday morning. it was pretty desolate. its still has its style. the old school desert thing. my friends travis and jason moved out of the warsaw house (the legend is over) and into a new one. they have a cool since of style. the house had arizona all over it. a hipster house of arizona emo. they painted some of the walls like a sante fe orange color. everything in the house is from the thrift shop. its neat. very arizona, thats all i can say. it fits the new style of cowboy metal snap shirts, trucker mesh hats, and belt buckles. played some music with them. theyve gotten better. travis especially. i remeber when i was first showing him power chords. it was somewhat frustrating because my competitive nature had me looking at themusic the wrong way. i still have so much to learn. their latests taste got to me. music and alcohal. so much sad indie rock. it hit me hard. we were up til sunrise with no chemical help whatsoever. the chemicals i consumed should have put me to sleep, but my thoughts won the battle. i wanted this trip to be helpful. to give me what i need right now. whatever that may be. who knows. things are what you make them right. I have absolutely nothing but blood in common with my family. and a few inherited personality quarks. my mom's wedding was bearable. she was happy and looked beautiful. very. i was sick of people asking about when i was going to get married. "maybe never. who knows." i'd say. I disagree with the institution. so sick of "oh your sooo skinny, what do you eat?" and "do you have a girlfriend?" its all so surface level i couldn't even begin to open myself up as far as the girlfriend thing goes. i can barely understand it. I miss her emmensly. we don't know what is going on with each other anymore. as far as specifics go. i enjoyed knowing what she did everyday. where and when. now who knows. she called me just before i boarded the plane. she was talking differntly. i didn't like it. its not the same. i miss her. i think i will be walking around in a strange disconnected place for quite some time. this trip didn't give me what i wanted. what do i need?

won't be here for a while i'm sure. i'm bad at fixing things.