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Tips For Surviving Having A Conversation With E. Lehnsherr
1. Keep face neutral but positive! Smile in non-threatening manner (no teeth - may imply aggression), maintain level eyebrow position, and hold chin in a confident manner while remembering not to lift it too high. Note: never maintain direct eye contact for more than twenty seconds lest this be mistaken as a sign of territorial challenge.
2. When speaking be sure to maintain a respectful tone of voice with a lilting cadence that fosters harmony. Avoid opinion statements and rebuttals. Cut slang and limit adjectives to only those strictly necessary to convey an agreeable message. Nouns and verbs should also be used sparingly. Above all, do not imply any sort of excitable punctuation at the end of a sentence. Example: "You are being a complete and utter dick!" (would result in severe bodily harm) can easily be substituted with, "Why yes, I agree completely." (would probably not result in severe bodily harm.)
3. On second thought, do not speak.
4. Unless spoken to. And then do.
5. But preferably only in monosyllabics*.
* (this means little words. Stick to yes or no. Maybe is not acceptable. Neither is 'huh'.)
6. Whenever possible avoid wearing items of clothing and/or accessories which contain metal. Particularly when there are doors or other obstructions nearby.
7. Use a proxy whenever possible. Preferably someone E. Lehnsherr is fond of. Ask the Professor to pass along a message. Avoid being nearby when said message is delivered; alternatively, bring a spoon and gouge your eyes beforehand so as to avoid the mental scarring that will occur when those two play courier.
8. Never approach during office hours. Ever.
9. If he is smiling, run. Run far, far away. Whatever you have to say can wait. Your life is more important.
10. Do not mention cures. If for some unfathomable reason you actually are stupid enough to do so, do not then remain in the room to try and explain what you meant by cures. If you are exceptionally dimwitted and attempt to stay and explain what you meant by cures, do not then further aggravate the situation by trying to apologize and then introducing a new topic. When asked to leave, simply leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Consider yourself lucky.
Note: You may choose to disregard these tips if you are so inclined. Be aware that the author can not be held responsible for the outcome should you do so, however. May God have mercy on your soul.
1. Keep face neutral but positive! Smile in non-threatening manner (no teeth - may imply aggression), maintain level eyebrow position, and hold chin in a confident manner while remembering not to lift it too high. Note: never maintain direct eye contact for more than twenty seconds lest this be mistaken as a sign of territorial challenge.
2. When speaking be sure to maintain a respectful tone of voice with a lilting cadence that fosters harmony. Avoid opinion statements and rebuttals. Cut slang and limit adjectives to only those strictly necessary to convey an agreeable message. Nouns and verbs should also be used sparingly. Above all, do not imply any sort of excitable punctuation at the end of a sentence. Example: "You are being a complete and utter dick!" (would result in severe bodily harm) can easily be substituted with, "Why yes, I agree completely." (would probably not result in severe bodily harm.)
3. On second thought, do not speak.
4. Unless spoken to. And then do.
5. But preferably only in monosyllabics*.
* (this means little words. Stick to yes or no. Maybe is not acceptable. Neither is 'huh'.)
6. Whenever possible avoid wearing items of clothing and/or accessories which contain metal. Particularly when there are doors or other obstructions nearby.
7. Use a proxy whenever possible. Preferably someone E. Lehnsherr is fond of. Ask the Professor to pass along a message. Avoid being nearby when said message is delivered; alternatively, bring a spoon and gouge your eyes beforehand so as to avoid the mental scarring that will occur when those two play courier.
8. Never approach during office hours. Ever.
9. If he is smiling, run. Run far, far away. Whatever you have to say can wait. Your life is more important.
10. Do not mention cures. If for some unfathomable reason you actually are stupid enough to do so, do not then remain in the room to try and explain what you meant by cures. If you are exceptionally dimwitted and attempt to stay and explain what you meant by cures, do not then further aggravate the situation by trying to apologize and then introducing a new topic. When asked to leave, simply leave. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Consider yourself lucky.
Note: You may choose to disregard these tips if you are so inclined. Be aware that the author can not be held responsible for the outcome should you do so, however. May God have mercy on your soul.