(no subject)
Today was a good day.
I'm feeling better about myself.
I'm not going to let one boy ruin my life.
I have to move on, even though it hurts.
I'll get past it.
[Self-improvement] something i am working on.
because the way I have lived my life for the last couple of years has deffiantly not been the right way to live a life.
But improving myself is hard when most of my friends smoke weed, are drop outs,care about nothing but themselves,have their own mental problems,are implusive,lie to their parents, lost trust in their parents to where they dont care about anything so will pretty much do anything to have someone think highly of them. pretty much are just like me.
I dont want to be the outcast now, that i'm changing.Even if i do believe it's the right thing to do.
These people are the ones that I felt like i was having so much fun with, doing crazy things, pointless things just to get a thrill, just to see what would happen.
I watched these people fall, as they watched me fall. These are the people I skipped school with, smoked my first bowl with, who was always there when i was bored ready to go sneak out and do something dumb. These were the people that have helped me or atleast tryed to with my problems,the ones who listened to me as I cryed, The ones that i leaned on when i was too drunk too walk.
I feel like i just can't let all the fun times go. but maybe those times are now just memories of the past.
I question myself if i'm really done with all the "fun".
I also question my self if i really know how to have fun?
I have found myself feeling as if there is no drugs around, or if i'm not having sex I am not having fun.
And i dont even like having sex now unless i'm fucked up. I've only fucked 2 guys sober. I'm ashamed of it but i know i can't do anything about it now.
I think that the few friends i have that dont do drugs find me boring now,because all i want to do is drugs, all i ever talk about is drugs. I'll catch myself saying stuff like "omg this one time when i was stoned".
I know that's not what they want to hear about. but usually i dont have anything to talk about. but mention drugs and I could seriously write a book.
I found myself going to the library just to get books on different kinds of drugs, to read about them, to learn about them. I only listened to music that had some reference to drugs, but mostly weed, I only liked "stoner" movies. I found no interest what so ever in anything if it didn't have to do with drugs.I started only to draw potleafs and mushrooms, I didn't have an imagination anymore. drugs was the only thing i could think about.
I would sit in my room and find things to make bowls out of. And i perfected every single one to hit perfectly.
And when there wasn't any weed around. I found anything possible to get fucked up off of. seriously anything. air duster,whipped cream in the bottles"trust me it's possible" I would snort my adderoll, steal my mom's sleeping pills,depression pills,mucsle relaxers,triple c's,robotusin.
It started out as just a fun thing to do, then slowly turned from everynow and then til everyday.
Eventually i was much more than just addicted to getting high.
But was obsessed.
I dont think that most of my friends got as bad into drugs as i did.
The ones who smoke pot every day, dont devote there life to it.
And I feel as if smoking weed is fine as a teenager to certain extent.
Because most people grow out of it. and if they wanted to stop they could stop. They could say no.
But with me. It's more of a mental illness than it is a drug problem.
it's called O.C.D.
[obsessive complusive disorder].It's heritary in my family, my mom has it my grandmother had it. My closer friends know that i have it. I know i piss them off constantly with it because i flip out over the smallest things.
Ask Nick Peirce.he knows. I've almost kicked his ass many times for spilling drinks,knocking things over in my room,TIPPING that carpet cleaner stuf upside down and SPILLING IT everywhere in my room and getting it all over my purse.(you thought i forgot about that nick didn't you?.lol)
It shouldn't of bothered me the way it did. But I tend to be a perfectionist with everything. I'm also upsessed with dying my hair to the point that if I see roots growing in i will get depressed and get so fucking angry and i wont get happy again until my hair is dyed. I've actually missed school before to dye my hair.
but anyways.
having this disorder I got overly obsessed with drugs.
It's mainly the only reason I want to quit. I want a life. Not one based on drugs.because it's getting me no where.
So hanging around with the people i do will maybe make me act implusively to start doing drugs again.
And i hate being in this situation that i have to decide which friends are good and which friends are bad.
because i remember when some of my old friends went thru the same thing that i am, trying to find the real them and straighten up.
They stopped hanging around me because of the things i did and it hurt. I thought that they shouldn't judge me because of the things i did.
but now i understand why they did what they did. it's hard to hang around people you smoked weed with, slept with, skipped school with, stole cars with,snuck out with, when you are trying to change into a better person.
You feel like you are doing so good. You dont want to take the chance of being influenced back into the things that you once did.
It is also hard to feel like the only one changing and doing better when everyone around you is still doing bad. So you try to change them into what you are trying to become. and usually this doesn't work and ya'll end up falling out because of fights or they dont want to hang around you anymore because they feel like you are forcing them to change and they aren't ready to change. or they lie to you about doing good and then start hiding things from you and can't be totally honest with you about the things they do.and this only ends up in ya'll growing apart and not realizing why you grew apart.
so either way You will find out you can't keep your old friends that are still doing drugs.
I guess i'm just confused on what to do.
And this is getting way long. so i'm gonna go.
♥
I'm feeling better about myself.
I'm not going to let one boy ruin my life.
I have to move on, even though it hurts.
I'll get past it.
[Self-improvement] something i am working on.
because the way I have lived my life for the last couple of years has deffiantly not been the right way to live a life.
But improving myself is hard when most of my friends smoke weed, are drop outs,care about nothing but themselves,have their own mental problems,are implusive,lie to their parents, lost trust in their parents to where they dont care about anything so will pretty much do anything to have someone think highly of them. pretty much are just like me.
I dont want to be the outcast now, that i'm changing.Even if i do believe it's the right thing to do.
These people are the ones that I felt like i was having so much fun with, doing crazy things, pointless things just to get a thrill, just to see what would happen.
I watched these people fall, as they watched me fall. These are the people I skipped school with, smoked my first bowl with, who was always there when i was bored ready to go sneak out and do something dumb. These were the people that have helped me or atleast tryed to with my problems,the ones who listened to me as I cryed, The ones that i leaned on when i was too drunk too walk.
I feel like i just can't let all the fun times go. but maybe those times are now just memories of the past.
I question myself if i'm really done with all the "fun".
I also question my self if i really know how to have fun?
I have found myself feeling as if there is no drugs around, or if i'm not having sex I am not having fun.
And i dont even like having sex now unless i'm fucked up. I've only fucked 2 guys sober. I'm ashamed of it but i know i can't do anything about it now.
I think that the few friends i have that dont do drugs find me boring now,because all i want to do is drugs, all i ever talk about is drugs. I'll catch myself saying stuff like "omg this one time when i was stoned".
I know that's not what they want to hear about. but usually i dont have anything to talk about. but mention drugs and I could seriously write a book.
I found myself going to the library just to get books on different kinds of drugs, to read about them, to learn about them. I only listened to music that had some reference to drugs, but mostly weed, I only liked "stoner" movies. I found no interest what so ever in anything if it didn't have to do with drugs.I started only to draw potleafs and mushrooms, I didn't have an imagination anymore. drugs was the only thing i could think about.
I would sit in my room and find things to make bowls out of. And i perfected every single one to hit perfectly.
And when there wasn't any weed around. I found anything possible to get fucked up off of. seriously anything. air duster,whipped cream in the bottles"trust me it's possible" I would snort my adderoll, steal my mom's sleeping pills,depression pills,mucsle relaxers,triple c's,robotusin.
It started out as just a fun thing to do, then slowly turned from everynow and then til everyday.
Eventually i was much more than just addicted to getting high.
But was obsessed.
I dont think that most of my friends got as bad into drugs as i did.
The ones who smoke pot every day, dont devote there life to it.
And I feel as if smoking weed is fine as a teenager to certain extent.
Because most people grow out of it. and if they wanted to stop they could stop. They could say no.
But with me. It's more of a mental illness than it is a drug problem.
it's called O.C.D.
[obsessive complusive disorder].It's heritary in my family, my mom has it my grandmother had it. My closer friends know that i have it. I know i piss them off constantly with it because i flip out over the smallest things.
Ask Nick Peirce.he knows. I've almost kicked his ass many times for spilling drinks,knocking things over in my room,TIPPING that carpet cleaner stuf upside down and SPILLING IT everywhere in my room and getting it all over my purse.(you thought i forgot about that nick didn't you?.lol)
It shouldn't of bothered me the way it did. But I tend to be a perfectionist with everything. I'm also upsessed with dying my hair to the point that if I see roots growing in i will get depressed and get so fucking angry and i wont get happy again until my hair is dyed. I've actually missed school before to dye my hair.
but anyways.
having this disorder I got overly obsessed with drugs.
It's mainly the only reason I want to quit. I want a life. Not one based on drugs.because it's getting me no where.
So hanging around with the people i do will maybe make me act implusively to start doing drugs again.
And i hate being in this situation that i have to decide which friends are good and which friends are bad.
because i remember when some of my old friends went thru the same thing that i am, trying to find the real them and straighten up.
They stopped hanging around me because of the things i did and it hurt. I thought that they shouldn't judge me because of the things i did.
but now i understand why they did what they did. it's hard to hang around people you smoked weed with, slept with, skipped school with, stole cars with,snuck out with, when you are trying to change into a better person.
You feel like you are doing so good. You dont want to take the chance of being influenced back into the things that you once did.
It is also hard to feel like the only one changing and doing better when everyone around you is still doing bad. So you try to change them into what you are trying to become. and usually this doesn't work and ya'll end up falling out because of fights or they dont want to hang around you anymore because they feel like you are forcing them to change and they aren't ready to change. or they lie to you about doing good and then start hiding things from you and can't be totally honest with you about the things they do.and this only ends up in ya'll growing apart and not realizing why you grew apart.
so either way You will find out you can't keep your old friends that are still doing drugs.
I guess i'm just confused on what to do.
And this is getting way long. so i'm gonna go.
♥