"I could be fake, I could be stupid,
You know I could be just like you."
Today was interesting. I didn't go to sleep until around 4 or 5 last night and woke up just a little after 6 this morning because of Ariell. I really don't understand how someone can be so inconsiderate. Anyway, around 1, Nick came allll the way to springdale and picked me up. hahah, I think that was the first time I ever had fun while tagging along with someone who was running errands. Wang was the main topic of conversation, haha, because he's just that cool. A few minutes after I got home, Linda pulled up. I asked her if we could go get some food somewhere because I hadn't had breakfast and I was starting to get hungry and there's nothing at home. She got snippy over that so I dropped it. But around 5:30, my stomach started eating itself(haha, that's sooo what it felt like) because it was so hungry so I begged and she agreed. Thank god.. I thought I would die, haha.
I don't know why I'm making this a public entry, instead of friend's only.. but oh well. Maybe I'm just tired of trying to hide shit.
I think Linda's still really upset over Saturday night when my dad called her and flipped out, drunk off his ass. I don't know why she's letting it get to her. This is typical of him, you think she'd be used to it by now. I wish we could both just completely block him out of our minds. Becka and Ariell like him.. because he's always treated Ariell well.. and honestly, I don't know why Becka likes him. He treated her almost as bad as he treated me. I don't know, though.. Everyone tells me I should just forgive and forget like Becka, but how can you seriously forget a childhood that was that unbearable? And for years, people have asked me stupid things like, "well, which was worse? The physical or verbal abuse? Can't you just try to forget about at least one of them?" but it's impossible. I can't decide which was worse. The physical has scarred me mentally and the verbal has wrecked my self esteem (I basically don't have one). I think it wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I felt completely alone. I never talked to my friends about it until we were in like 7th and 8th grade. And my mom didn't believe anything I told her that he had done to me. Or rather, I think she believed me, she just didn't want to admit it. I think she thought that if she ignored it, it would just go away and we could go back to being that "perfect family" that everyone once thought we were. Plus the fact that my older sister beat on me just as much as my dad did, and my younger sister always took my dad's side. Except for one night.. when he pushed me down into a wall and when I told my mom about it later when she got home, and she said I was making it up (because my dad ALWAYS denied everything. Always), Ariell stepped up and said it was true.. and dude, she was like 6 at the time. That, to this day, still shocks me. But I'll always thank her for it.
Sami and I were talking the other night and somehow we got on the subject of hugs. I do like hugging people, but not always. She said she noticed that I don't like getting physically close to people and said she thinks it's because of the shit my dad did. I don't think I ever even thought about that until she mentioned it, but I think she's right. I always wanted to be like, a comforting and huggy person, but I just never could. And I always feel so bad everytime one of my friends cries or something and I know I should hug them and try to make them feel better, but I can't.
I think this is why I love music so much. It's the only thing I had to turn to when I was younger. There were some songs I felt I could REALLY relate to. Like "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" by Savage Garden. I just found the CD today and it brought back major memories. I remember sitting in my room in Cory, starring out the window for most of the night, with that song on repeat. Even though it's a completely depressing song about abuse, it made me feel better about everything. Although I remember being really pissed off about one verse. "And there are children to think of. Baby's asleep in the backseat. Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare." It made me mad that the girl in the song was smart enough to get her kids away from the father, but my mom wasn't that smart.
I guess in some weird, twisted way, I'm kind of grateful for everything I've gone through. I think it's made me a stronger person than I could have ever been (although there are times I'm not sure how I'll ever get through), stronger and wiser. When my mom's friends used to say I had an "old soul", it makes me feel good. And I kind of agree with them in some ways. I guess just because I see people my age out there doing the dumbest things, and I can't understand why.
All I know is.. I need to get out of this house soon. I'm applying for a job at the photolab at Eckards.. =o/ lame as fuck, but the girl said it's only part time and they're looking for someone with my background in graphic design and photography. So it'd be kind of cool.. and I wouldn't be working that often at all so I'd have time to look for another job, as well. As soon as I get money, I'm moving out. It's a scary thought, but I have to do it before this summer is over.
..Blegh.. anyway.. a survey because I'm just that bored..
Name: Veronica
Nicknames: Ver, mainly.
sex: Female
Birthday: march 5, 1986
Where do you live: shitsdale
are you flirty: my idea of joking around, is what everyone else (apparently) considers to be flirting, unfortunetly.
shoe size: 8
Hair color: dirty blonde
Eye Color: blue, green, grey. they change.
First Crush: Mickey.. from Richmond VA. =o( I miss him. He was so awesome for a kindergardener, haha. My bestest friend, too.
Parents: I have two, yes.. they're in the middle of a sticky devorce though..
RIGHTY OR LEFTY: righty
HOBBIES: being bored.. haha. seriously. =ol
ASTROLOGIC SIGN: pisces
ON FRIENDS:
FRIENDS THAT LOOK LIKE YOU: no one. hahaha, I'd feel bad for them if they did!!
YOU GO FOR ADVICE TO: depends on the situation. Usually Sami or my mom.. and lately, Wang.
YOU TELL YOUR DREAMS TO: I don't really share those with anyone anymore
YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO: penny... haha
FUNNIEST: Matt Bigbee whenever he's around Sami, hahaha
CRAZIEST: Sami.
SMARTEST: Wang, even though he says he's not.
DITZYEST: Sami
MOST PREPPY: Matt S
SEXIEST: all of them, lyke duh!
OPPOSITE SEX:
BOXERS OR BRIEFS: haha, who cares
PAINTED NAILS OR NOT PAINTED: doesn't matter
SHIRT OR NO SHIRT: whateva
SORTA DRESSY OR CASUAL: either/or is cool
DARK OR BLONDE: used to be like .. strictly blondes.. but now it doesn't matter
DARK OR LIGHT EYES: doesnt matter, although i do think bright blue eyes are beautiful on guys
LONG OR SHORT HAIR: i don't like bald people.. or like buzz cuts, haha.
HAT OR NO HAT: doesn't matter
GOOD GIRL OR BAD GIRL: welp, I'll say neither since I don't swing that way.
JEWELRY OR NO: jewelry is cool
TALL OR SHORT: medium
KHAKIS OR JEANS: jeans
TAN OR FAIR: doesn't matter
FRECKLES OR NO: who cares? haha
SPORTS GIRL OR COMPUTER GIRL: again with the girls.. no thanks.
ALL AMERICAN OR GRUNGE: all american
ACCENT OR AMERICAN: either is cool. although some accents are WAY too hard to understand, haha
THIS OR THAT *
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: neither.. fast food has given me food poisoning too many times.
MARRY PERFECT LOVER OR PERFECT FRIEND: can't I have both?
ROOT BEER OR DR. PEPPER: neither
SAPPY/ACTION/COMEDY/HORROR: always comedy and horror, sometimes sappy. rarely action, although i'll sit through one if i have to.
TEA OR COFFEE: gross. neither.
CATS OR DOGS: dogs, hands down.
MUD OR JELLO WRESTING: hahahahah PERV
WITH OR WITHOUT ICE CUBES: doesn't matter
MILK/DARK/WHITE CHOCOLATE: i don't really like chocolate.
WINTER/SUMMER/FALL/SPRING: fall and spring
BIKING OR BLADING: i used to do both every day.. so i love them both.. but I think i'd pick biking. I miss it so much
CAKE OR COOKIES: neither
CEREAL OR TOAST: toast
ROCK/SKA/PUNK/RAP/R&B/ALT/TECHNO/POP/COUNTRY: anything but country (and most rap). But my main love is ROCKKK baby.
NIGHT OR DAY: evening
GLOVES OR MITTENS: gloves
DRESSED OR UNDRESSED: hahaha, dressed?
BUNK OR WATERBED: bunk beds are the absolute COOLEST things ever!
CHEWING GUM OR HARD CANDY: gum
MOTOR/SAIL BOATS: i'm scared of water
LIGHTS ON OR OFF: off is fun
TRUTH OR DARE: both, depending on who's asking, haha
MTV, VH1, BET, CTN: eh, none
OCEAN OR POOL: oceans are beautiful.. but i'm scared of water, soo
CAKE OR PIE: neither
LOVE OR LUST: i'm still kind of mad at love.. so lust.
SILVER OR GOLD: silver. gold is ugly.
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS: pearls are ugly. so are most diamonds.
SHAKEN OR STIRRED: shaken! haha
TACO OR BURRITO: neither
ARMAGEDDON OR INDEPENDANCE DAY: armageddon
SUNSET OR SUNRISE: sunset
CRUSHED OR CUBED: crushed
SHOWERS OR BATHS: showers
YOUR FAVORITES *
COLOR: blue
NUMBER: none
SUBJECT: english/sociology
SHOE BRAND: "wanted"
SPORT TO PLAY: football, soccer, volleyball and basketball
DRINK: gatorade, haha obbbbviousllyy
SOUND: when you walk outside on the leaves in the fall. that's the coolest sound ever.
BANDS: the working title, mae, linkin paaahk, coheed and cambria, three days grace, lol afterdrama
SONG: there's WAY too many. but the first one that came to my head was "Let You Down" by Three Days Grace
SLOGAN: it's not a slogan.. but.. LYKE WHOAAA
MOVIE: not another teen movie, gothika, night at the roxbury
RIGHT NOW *
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING: jeans, shirt, jean jacket (why the hell is it so cold out?)
WHAT TIME IS IT: 7:58pm
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE: chilly, looks like it'll rain
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING: nothing
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO: Savage Garden
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO: nobody
WHAT'S YOUR HAIR LIKE: clean, obviously
RANDOM QUESTIONS *
DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL: i didn't when i actually went to school, but after i left.. fuck, i miss it so bad
DO YOU LIKE TO TALK ON THE PHONE: yeah, but sadly, no one else i know (except for sami and matt s sometimes) really likes to
DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LINE: cell phone
CAN WE HAVE YOUR NUMBER: 412 969 2550, haha
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE: the running man is lyke so uber fun!! hahaha
ARE YOU SCARED TO ASK SOMEONE OUT MOST OF THE TIME: haha yes, i've never asked anyone out. at least, not that i can remember.
HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE: yes
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH: no
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS: haha yes, the serta sleep sheep thing wang gave me. and sometimes spongebob
DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS: just my ears. more soon.
DO YOU WEAR BRACES: unfortunetly
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A GOOD LISTENER: yes, a way better listener than a talker.
CAN YOU SWIM: i used to be able to kind of.. i'm terrified of water now though so probably not anymore.
DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADING IS A SPORT: i'll have to say yes because my best friend's a cheerleader..
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN ANYTHING: nope
WHAT'S ON YOUR CEILING: posters and photos
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH: transparent and green
WHAT'S YOUR WORST INJURY EVER: my back...
BEST THING ABOUT GROWING UP: I don't think there is anything good about it, haha
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: maybe.. not really, right now
WHAT IS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: feeling wanted and cared about
Today was interesting. I didn't go to sleep until around 4 or 5 last night and woke up just a little after 6 this morning because of Ariell. I really don't understand how someone can be so inconsiderate. Anyway, around 1, Nick came allll the way to springdale and picked me up. hahah, I think that was the first time I ever had fun while tagging along with someone who was running errands. Wang was the main topic of conversation, haha, because he's just that cool. A few minutes after I got home, Linda pulled up. I asked her if we could go get some food somewhere because I hadn't had breakfast and I was starting to get hungry and there's nothing at home. She got snippy over that so I dropped it. But around 5:30, my stomach started eating itself(haha, that's sooo what it felt like) because it was so hungry so I begged and she agreed. Thank god.. I thought I would die, haha.
I don't know why I'm making this a public entry, instead of friend's only.. but oh well. Maybe I'm just tired of trying to hide shit.
I think Linda's still really upset over Saturday night when my dad called her and flipped out, drunk off his ass. I don't know why she's letting it get to her. This is typical of him, you think she'd be used to it by now. I wish we could both just completely block him out of our minds. Becka and Ariell like him.. because he's always treated Ariell well.. and honestly, I don't know why Becka likes him. He treated her almost as bad as he treated me. I don't know, though.. Everyone tells me I should just forgive and forget like Becka, but how can you seriously forget a childhood that was that unbearable? And for years, people have asked me stupid things like, "well, which was worse? The physical or verbal abuse? Can't you just try to forget about at least one of them?" but it's impossible. I can't decide which was worse. The physical has scarred me mentally and the verbal has wrecked my self esteem (I basically don't have one). I think it wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I felt completely alone. I never talked to my friends about it until we were in like 7th and 8th grade. And my mom didn't believe anything I told her that he had done to me. Or rather, I think she believed me, she just didn't want to admit it. I think she thought that if she ignored it, it would just go away and we could go back to being that "perfect family" that everyone once thought we were. Plus the fact that my older sister beat on me just as much as my dad did, and my younger sister always took my dad's side. Except for one night.. when he pushed me down into a wall and when I told my mom about it later when she got home, and she said I was making it up (because my dad ALWAYS denied everything. Always), Ariell stepped up and said it was true.. and dude, she was like 6 at the time. That, to this day, still shocks me. But I'll always thank her for it.
Sami and I were talking the other night and somehow we got on the subject of hugs. I do like hugging people, but not always. She said she noticed that I don't like getting physically close to people and said she thinks it's because of the shit my dad did. I don't think I ever even thought about that until she mentioned it, but I think she's right. I always wanted to be like, a comforting and huggy person, but I just never could. And I always feel so bad everytime one of my friends cries or something and I know I should hug them and try to make them feel better, but I can't.
I think this is why I love music so much. It's the only thing I had to turn to when I was younger. There were some songs I felt I could REALLY relate to. Like "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" by Savage Garden. I just found the CD today and it brought back major memories. I remember sitting in my room in Cory, starring out the window for most of the night, with that song on repeat. Even though it's a completely depressing song about abuse, it made me feel better about everything. Although I remember being really pissed off about one verse. "And there are children to think of. Baby's asleep in the backseat. Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare." It made me mad that the girl in the song was smart enough to get her kids away from the father, but my mom wasn't that smart.
I guess in some weird, twisted way, I'm kind of grateful for everything I've gone through. I think it's made me a stronger person than I could have ever been (although there are times I'm not sure how I'll ever get through), stronger and wiser. When my mom's friends used to say I had an "old soul", it makes me feel good. And I kind of agree with them in some ways. I guess just because I see people my age out there doing the dumbest things, and I can't understand why.
All I know is.. I need to get out of this house soon. I'm applying for a job at the photolab at Eckards.. =o/ lame as fuck, but the girl said it's only part time and they're looking for someone with my background in graphic design and photography. So it'd be kind of cool.. and I wouldn't be working that often at all so I'd have time to look for another job, as well. As soon as I get money, I'm moving out. It's a scary thought, but I have to do it before this summer is over.
..Blegh.. anyway.. a survey because I'm just that bored..
Name: Veronica
Nicknames: Ver, mainly.
sex: Female
Birthday: march 5, 1986
Where do you live: shitsdale
are you flirty: my idea of joking around, is what everyone else (apparently) considers to be flirting, unfortunetly.
shoe size: 8
Hair color: dirty blonde
Eye Color: blue, green, grey. they change.
First Crush: Mickey.. from Richmond VA. =o( I miss him. He was so awesome for a kindergardener, haha. My bestest friend, too.
Parents: I have two, yes.. they're in the middle of a sticky devorce though..
RIGHTY OR LEFTY: righty
HOBBIES: being bored.. haha. seriously. =ol
ASTROLOGIC SIGN: pisces
ON FRIENDS:
FRIENDS THAT LOOK LIKE YOU: no one. hahaha, I'd feel bad for them if they did!!
YOU GO FOR ADVICE TO: depends on the situation. Usually Sami or my mom.. and lately, Wang.
YOU TELL YOUR DREAMS TO: I don't really share those with anyone anymore
YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO: penny... haha
FUNNIEST: Matt Bigbee whenever he's around Sami, hahaha
CRAZIEST: Sami.
SMARTEST: Wang, even though he says he's not.
DITZYEST: Sami
MOST PREPPY: Matt S
SEXIEST: all of them, lyke duh!
OPPOSITE SEX:
BOXERS OR BRIEFS: haha, who cares
PAINTED NAILS OR NOT PAINTED: doesn't matter
SHIRT OR NO SHIRT: whateva
SORTA DRESSY OR CASUAL: either/or is cool
DARK OR BLONDE: used to be like .. strictly blondes.. but now it doesn't matter
DARK OR LIGHT EYES: doesnt matter, although i do think bright blue eyes are beautiful on guys
LONG OR SHORT HAIR: i don't like bald people.. or like buzz cuts, haha.
HAT OR NO HAT: doesn't matter
GOOD GIRL OR BAD GIRL: welp, I'll say neither since I don't swing that way.
JEWELRY OR NO: jewelry is cool
TALL OR SHORT: medium
KHAKIS OR JEANS: jeans
TAN OR FAIR: doesn't matter
FRECKLES OR NO: who cares? haha
SPORTS GIRL OR COMPUTER GIRL: again with the girls.. no thanks.
ALL AMERICAN OR GRUNGE: all american
ACCENT OR AMERICAN: either is cool. although some accents are WAY too hard to understand, haha
THIS OR THAT *
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: neither.. fast food has given me food poisoning too many times.
MARRY PERFECT LOVER OR PERFECT FRIEND: can't I have both?
ROOT BEER OR DR. PEPPER: neither
SAPPY/ACTION/COMEDY/HORROR: always comedy and horror, sometimes sappy. rarely action, although i'll sit through one if i have to.
TEA OR COFFEE: gross. neither.
CATS OR DOGS: dogs, hands down.
MUD OR JELLO WRESTING: hahahahah PERV
WITH OR WITHOUT ICE CUBES: doesn't matter
MILK/DARK/WHITE CHOCOLATE: i don't really like chocolate.
WINTER/SUMMER/FALL/SPRING: fall and spring
BIKING OR BLADING: i used to do both every day.. so i love them both.. but I think i'd pick biking. I miss it so much
CAKE OR COOKIES: neither
CEREAL OR TOAST: toast
ROCK/SKA/PUNK/RAP/R&B/ALT/TECHNO/POP/COUNTRY: anything but country (and most rap). But my main love is ROCKKK baby.
NIGHT OR DAY: evening
GLOVES OR MITTENS: gloves
DRESSED OR UNDRESSED: hahaha, dressed?
BUNK OR WATERBED: bunk beds are the absolute COOLEST things ever!
CHEWING GUM OR HARD CANDY: gum
MOTOR/SAIL BOATS: i'm scared of water
LIGHTS ON OR OFF: off is fun
TRUTH OR DARE: both, depending on who's asking, haha
MTV, VH1, BET, CTN: eh, none
OCEAN OR POOL: oceans are beautiful.. but i'm scared of water, soo
CAKE OR PIE: neither
LOVE OR LUST: i'm still kind of mad at love.. so lust.
SILVER OR GOLD: silver. gold is ugly.
DIAMONDS OR PEARLS: pearls are ugly. so are most diamonds.
SHAKEN OR STIRRED: shaken! haha
TACO OR BURRITO: neither
ARMAGEDDON OR INDEPENDANCE DAY: armageddon
SUNSET OR SUNRISE: sunset
CRUSHED OR CUBED: crushed
SHOWERS OR BATHS: showers
YOUR FAVORITES *
COLOR: blue
NUMBER: none
SUBJECT: english/sociology
SHOE BRAND: "wanted"
SPORT TO PLAY: football, soccer, volleyball and basketball
DRINK: gatorade, haha obbbbviousllyy
SOUND: when you walk outside on the leaves in the fall. that's the coolest sound ever.
BANDS: the working title, mae, linkin paaahk, coheed and cambria, three days grace, lol afterdrama
SONG: there's WAY too many. but the first one that came to my head was "Let You Down" by Three Days Grace
SLOGAN: it's not a slogan.. but.. LYKE WHOAAA
MOVIE: not another teen movie, gothika, night at the roxbury
RIGHT NOW *
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING: jeans, shirt, jean jacket (why the hell is it so cold out?)
WHAT TIME IS IT: 7:58pm
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE: chilly, looks like it'll rain
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING: nothing
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO: Savage Garden
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO: nobody
WHAT'S YOUR HAIR LIKE: clean, obviously
RANDOM QUESTIONS *
DO YOU LIKE SCHOOL: i didn't when i actually went to school, but after i left.. fuck, i miss it so bad
DO YOU LIKE TO TALK ON THE PHONE: yeah, but sadly, no one else i know (except for sami and matt s sometimes) really likes to
DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LINE: cell phone
CAN WE HAVE YOUR NUMBER: 412 969 2550, haha
DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE: the running man is lyke so uber fun!! hahaha
ARE YOU SCARED TO ASK SOMEONE OUT MOST OF THE TIME: haha yes, i've never asked anyone out. at least, not that i can remember.
HAVE YOU EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: no
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIE: yes
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIGH: no
DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS: haha yes, the serta sleep sheep thing wang gave me. and sometimes spongebob
DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS: just my ears. more soon.
DO YOU WEAR BRACES: unfortunetly
DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A GOOD LISTENER: yes, a way better listener than a talker.
CAN YOU SWIM: i used to be able to kind of.. i'm terrified of water now though so probably not anymore.
DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADING IS A SPORT: i'll have to say yes because my best friend's a cheerleader..
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN ANYTHING: nope
WHAT'S ON YOUR CEILING: posters and photos
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH: transparent and green
WHAT'S YOUR WORST INJURY EVER: my back...
BEST THING ABOUT GROWING UP: I don't think there is anything good about it, haha
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: maybe.. not really, right now
WHAT IS THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: feeling wanted and cared about