the_lasting_memories
i never write in this and no one ever reads it but maybe thats a good thing because i can get out what i want to say and feel.. i hate people that are complain all the time and thats just what i'm about to do.
I donno why i am so hurt by everything thats going on.. i should understand and be ok with it but i guess i'm not because i feel like its all my fault that things changed and actually i know it is.. if i hadn't been in guard and if my mom didn't feel like she couldn't trust me because i liked him so much maybe it wouldn't have happened and i think its the truth.. if i had been honest and willing to put time into more than just guard and school and church than all this wouldn't be how it is now.. i think its all so ironic you know? you think to yourself that if you had only done one thing differently it would all be how you want it to be. I miss every good moment we had because i don't look at the bad things or the things that weren't there.. i only look at the really awesome times we had. i think it also makes me not to be as outgoing and more aware of my feelings...i was going through our notes and the two things i saw in all of them were 'iloveyou' and 'your never there' in one form or another and it really made sense to why this all happened.. it isn't his fault.. i'm the one to blame because i wasn't willing to let one of the things that was a part of me go for him. If i could have a chance to start over i would make things different but don't we all say that? i did the first time and the second.. i question everything. i think teen relationships are all about those first few weeks of getting to know someone and then you get so used to them that you get bored with them. Guys get bored with me after 6 months.. understandable i guess and maybe i'm handleing it all wrong, what i should do is keep things a secret and then iwould always have somehting to say or do.. I'm not one to go off and talk about other guys and to be honest i doubt that i will find anyone who would be willing to bend to my schedual. see him makes me think having awesome friends and family makes me cry and knowing that as much as i wish i could change the past it isn't going to happen and thats how it is.. but i know that i can determine my future and thats what i'm trying to figure out: who am i? who are my friends? what do i want in life? what do i like to do? what don't i like to do? what makes me laugh? what makes me scared? what do i love? who do i love? all this and more is out there and i guess i ran yesterday to try and figure it all out, or maybe i was just running to get away, i always just want to run. Run from love,home,school, guard, church, life.. blah but this is alot and i'm out
I donno why i am so hurt by everything thats going on.. i should understand and be ok with it but i guess i'm not because i feel like its all my fault that things changed and actually i know it is.. if i hadn't been in guard and if my mom didn't feel like she couldn't trust me because i liked him so much maybe it wouldn't have happened and i think its the truth.. if i had been honest and willing to put time into more than just guard and school and church than all this wouldn't be how it is now.. i think its all so ironic you know? you think to yourself that if you had only done one thing differently it would all be how you want it to be. I miss every good moment we had because i don't look at the bad things or the things that weren't there.. i only look at the really awesome times we had. i think it also makes me not to be as outgoing and more aware of my feelings...i was going through our notes and the two things i saw in all of them were 'iloveyou' and 'your never there' in one form or another and it really made sense to why this all happened.. it isn't his fault.. i'm the one to blame because i wasn't willing to let one of the things that was a part of me go for him. If i could have a chance to start over i would make things different but don't we all say that? i did the first time and the second.. i question everything. i think teen relationships are all about those first few weeks of getting to know someone and then you get so used to them that you get bored with them. Guys get bored with me after 6 months.. understandable i guess and maybe i'm handleing it all wrong, what i should do is keep things a secret and then iwould always have somehting to say or do.. I'm not one to go off and talk about other guys and to be honest i doubt that i will find anyone who would be willing to bend to my schedual. see him makes me think having awesome friends and family makes me cry and knowing that as much as i wish i could change the past it isn't going to happen and thats how it is.. but i know that i can determine my future and thats what i'm trying to figure out: who am i? who are my friends? what do i want in life? what do i like to do? what don't i like to do? what makes me laugh? what makes me scared? what do i love? who do i love? all this and more is out there and i guess i ran yesterday to try and figure it all out, or maybe i was just running to get away, i always just want to run. Run from love,home,school, guard, church, life.. blah but this is alot and i'm out